Don't Ever Forget Me
by Freezegirl8000
Summary: An accident leaves Bella homeless. What happens when her best friend Alice and her family agree to adopt her? Will Edward harbor the deep feelings he has for Bella, or will he struggle to fight the internal battle? People change. Anything is possible.
1. Prologue Change

A/N This is still the same story with the same story line. I have taken it down to fix my mistakes and to add to the plot a little.

Thank you all for the patience.

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**Prologue**

**BPOV**

I hated the wet weather.

I wasn't trying to be melodramatic, but my truck was ancient and without the windshield wipers, it was impossible to drive in the pouring rain. I wrenched the door open and threw my bag on the bench seat as I climbed in. A dull, throbbing ache was beginning to build behind my eyes. I shook my head in frustration as I reached for my phone to call my dad, Charlie. I was hoping that he would be able to take me home instead.

The line was picked up on the first ring. "Hello? Who is this?"

"Dad, it's me. Can you come and pick me up? It's raining and I don't think I would be able to make it home in the truck until the rain stops so…" I continued to ramble, waiting for him to speak.

As I waited for him to answer, a feeling of dread washed over me. Something wasn't right.

"Dad, are you okay?"

The silence stretched on, and I was torn between fear and frustration.

"Isabella, this is Dr. Cullen, Alice's father." a calm voice reached my ear.

Alice Cullen was my best friend since tenth grade. Her father, Carlisle, was the leading trauma surgeon in the local hospital and was a friend of my father's. His easy friendship with Carlisle allowed me to become friends with Alice as when he had to work long night shifts, she would stay at our place for a night. Her brother, Edward, however, was the complete opposite of her. All I would get from him all day was long, dark stares which bored into the deepest pit of my eyes whenever I was over at Alice's house. We had almost never spoken.

I loved Emmett, Rose, Alice, and Jasper. I had no problems joining in their conversation as long as Edward was out of earshot.

"Where is my dad?" I demanded, not sparing a moment to think about my manners. It wasn't as important as my father. "Why are you answering his phone?"

Like before, I was greeted with the dreadful silence. I couldn't help but be grateful for it this time; I was almost positive I didn't want to hear his answer.

"Bella, I'm sorry. There was an accident on Mains Road, just off the highway. A car lost control and collided with your father while he was on duty. Bella…he…." His words began to fade as the dull roar of rushing blood flooded my hearing.

As Dr. Cullen continued to speak, I struggled to pay attention. "He's lost a lot of blood, Bella. We are doing all we can, but you need to get here as quickly as possible. I have already spoken with Alice; she should be on her way to find you as we speak." And with that, he hung up.

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Thanks a million to my beta **_mojopen_** for helping me fixing the story up.

18 chapters to re-upload and many more to come.

Thanks for reading. Please review :)


	2. Prelude

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. **

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**Prelude**

'**Life is just one damned thing after another'- Elbert Hubbard**

**EPOV**

Twenty minutes of class left. Fuck this. Mr Banner was talking about some shit assignment that had to be done with a partner. I looked out the window, watching the rain splash down on Forks. It was surprisingly soothing, but it didn't help because I was already in a messy mood and it was only Monday

Mr Banner clapped his hands together and ordered the class to partner up. I watched everyone scramble out of their seats. I didn't need to, I thought, snickering. My name was synonymous with wealth, money, sex, and style. The bitches would come to me. I never needed to ask a girl for anything. Ever. And fuck me if I ever did.

"Edward?"

Ah…Jessica.

I nodded. It only took an incline of my head to find a partner.

"Mom's going away for the weekend," Jessica began; oh so this wasn't only about the damn assignment- she was asking a favour. "Come over and spare me a bit of loneliness, yeah?"

I nodded again. Jessica smiled, pleased. I was doing myself a favour, too. I was seriously in need of fucking company so badly that I was almost at the point of asking. _Almost._

"Screw the assignment," she muttered, "but I'll see you on Saturday, Edward."

She gave me a goodbye kiss on the lips and left.

Mr Banner cleared his throat and she slithered back to her seat next to Lauren.

I wondered if she realized that I didn't even have to say anything. That made me a little proud. But I still wasn't satisfied.

I didn't know why I had that feeling. I had more money, girls, and brains than the entire of Forks' High School had together. I'd had countless amounts of one night stands - more than I could've asked for. So what was I missing? In my eyes, clearly - _nothing_.

My thoughts drifted to what my sister had said to me last night.

"_Edward, that's enough!" Alice had stormed into my room, snatching away the glass of tequila that was in my hands. _

_I sighed. I was going to have the worst hangover ever, and school was starting tomorrow. Fuck._

"_Go fuck with Jasper, Alice, and leave me alone."_

_Alice sighed. "Edward, you need someone."_

_Oh yeah. The_ _f__uck I did._

"_You mean a girlfriend? No thanks. I have more than enough."_

"_They're not GIRLFRIENDS! They're random slutty bitches at school. You're lonely. And I don't want to see my brother getting wasted every other night for the rest of my life."_

_I snorted. "You won't."_

"_Oh yeah? Look at me and Jasper, or Em and Rose. None of us are as messed up as you. We don't go screwing random girls every other day. And our definition of a party night is not a synonym for one night stands!"_

_I whistled. Shit. If Alice got more agitated, she would cry and there'd be hell to pay when she went running off to Jasper._

_We were silent for a moment. She was waiting for me to apologize. I was waiting for the dam to explode._

_Alice was the one to break the silence. 'I hope you don't end up putting your shit on Bella. She's my best friend. Don't fuck with her.'_

_Was she freaking kidding me?! "Bella, as in Bella Swan? Bitch, please."_

_I was sick of Alice talking about Bella. It was always Bella this, Bella that. Or Angela this, Angela that. If Alice didn't act as though those people were her air, I probably would be more inviting when they came over to our place. Maybe._

The bell ringing brought my thoughts back to the present.

I got out of my seat and headed to my car, surprised to find Alice waiting for me already.

"Alice?" Why the hell was she waiting for me? Didn't she have gym or something? I walked faster, until I realised that there were tears in her eyes.

"Alice, what's wrong?" What if something happened to Carlisle? To Esme? To-

"Charlie," Alice whispered. The fuck was going on?

"Edward! Charlie's in the hospital with Carlisle. We have to take Bella."

I groaned, 'Alice! She can get there on her own. She ha-'

"A _truck_, Edward!!! A truck! She can't drive back in the rain. It's pouring!" Alice shrieked.

Frustrated, I got into the car, waiting for Alice to get her precious Bella. Why was Alice acting like that? Sure, Charlie's in the hospital, with Carlisle. That was fine, wasn't it? Carlisle could deal with anything.

Suddenly, the door slammed. Looking behind the driver's seat, I saw Alice comforting Bella. She looked shaken.

I shrugged and drove off.

I knew the way to the hospital well enough, not that I ever needed to go there. I only went occasionally for checkups.

A few minutes were all it took.

"Bella, c'mon. Do you want me to come with you?" Alice whispered gently.

I groaned. That was enough of this babyish shit.

"Alice! Bella's not a fucking child. She needs to go see her father for Christ's sakes!" I snapped. What the _hell_ was Alice thinking? Wasn't this shit supposed to be personal? It wasn't like Bella was inviting Alice to a tea party or something.

I watched her eyes flash and I waited for her to start screaming. Uh oh. I could see this was a bad day for my sister.

"Well, Edward, maybe if you would think about how others feel for one second in your _fucking _self-centered world, you would be able to get along with more people in your fucking life, you complete dick."

What the fuck had just happened? Alice never swore. Whoa. She must've learned it from me, I thought.

"Let's go, Bella" Alice whispered softly again. _Please_.

I heard Bella take a deep breath before getting dragged out of the car by Alice.

"Edward, thanks for driving me here," Bella said sincerely. She actually leaned her head down to thank me.

She had tears that threatened to drop and looked crestfallen.

My stomach reacted at that expression. I couldn't say anything so I nodded and drove off.

I couldn't believe I actually felt something when I looked at her. It infuriated me. I never looked at her as anything more than my sister's best friend, and it felt like today was the first time I truly saw her.

Once I got home, I slammed the door and headed into my room, before I got distracted by some shit Jasper or Em was doing.

Damn the assignment. It wasn't like it was difficult for me or anything. Nothing was ever difficult for me. I'm pretty much fucking perfect.

I looked down at the first question but before I finished reading, my phone rang.

Alice again. Oh please. There was enough drama for today. I wasn't ready for anymore, nor was I ready for Alice's tantrum. Maybe she has PMS, I thought. That was an advantage to sleeping with girls- you learn about them more than you'd ever expect.

The phone rang again, shrilly.

I sighed and answered it.

"Alice? What the bloody fucking hell do you want?" I said, my voice brittle.

"Edward,' she whispered, "Charlie's gone, and Bella's staying over for the night." Then she hung up.

Shit. It was going to be a very long night.

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Thank you to my two betas Penny and Izzzyy for their wonderful help and advice

x


	3. Feeling

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. **

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**Feeling**

"**The****re two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting." Gautama Siddharta**

**BPOV**

I hated this dark, small, secluded room. I was not used to ignorance. I was not used to being treated like I was a beggar. Delirious, I shook my head and opened my eyes. My clothes had a lightly repulsive stench that repelled most my classmates me. I hated that I'd woken up everyday for the last ten days in this desolate, suffocating, dark room with concrete flooring, and sharp crevices- it was a room I shared with a dozen other kids who had been orphaned.

This was where I had been wasting my time since the day after my father had passed away. Just thinking about him made my eyes water. It also made me feel an unfamiliar surge of anger ripple through me. I couldn't believe that he had left almost nothing for me. Most of his earnings had been donated to aid the police station in Forks. The old grey building was his real family – I realized this now. It was his home, and I wasn't part of it. He didn't even leave me the house - he left me nothing, the way he'd left Renee with nothing. It was sudden. It felt horrendous.

I shuddered while looking at the thick spider webs that were covering the ceiling. I remembered how I used to think of them - the pretty sparkling things that gave more light to my day. They used to be the delicate gossamers that shone with diamond-like drops of morning dew. My mom would tell me that they were a fairy's trampoline. My father would tell me it was the result of the spider's hard work, and that the results of hard work would always be glorious.

I sighed. That was the past. _This_ was the foreseeable future. A gloomy one. Grabbing my bag, I hurried out of the house and headed for school.

A car honked loudly behind me and I turned my head, startled. It was Alice, and she was waving.

"Hey Alice." I hoped she wouldn't notice the desparate tone of my voice. Honestly, the sleepover at Alice's place the night my father died had been pleasant, and my last night of soundless sleep. Everyone's presence, with the exception of Edward's, was comforting in some way.

With the Cullens, I felt more at home than when I had been with my father, ever.

Alice sighed. She saw right through me. "Bella, don't fake it - you're unhappy."

My smile faltered and my lips twitched sourly. "Tell me what I should do then. You honestly like me being mopey instead of whistling tunes?"

She rolled her eyes. "Hell yeah. Go get your luggage. Get everything of yours out of that damn madhouse."

I stared. She had to be kidding me, right? I made no indication that I was going to move; I just stood there, gaping at her like an idiot.

"Hey Bella? Snap out of it. I'll explain later. Promise." She had a wicked gleam in her eyes that made me realise she had already planned something.

_Strange_, I wondered, _wasn't this supposed to be a school day_? And Alice was a person who never ever missed a day at school…

Nevertheless, I dumped my bag into the passenger seat beside Alice and headed back into the orphanage to grab my sweater - my only other piece of clothing. The rest was at Charlie's house, and I definitely wasn't in a hurry to go there, yet.

I locked the door and opened Alice's car door.

"Let's go," I said.

One thing I hated about Alice's driving was that it was too fast. Just like Edward's. I guessed it was a Cullen thing.

"Where are we going?"

"To your Dad's place!" Alice chirped excitedly.

I looked at her, stunned and bewildered.

"And why the fuck of all places are we going there? We're meant to be at school now for Christ's sake's."

Alice sighed again.

"Bella, you're my friend! My best friend. Do you honestly think I would do nothing about this?" She gestured at me.

I snorted. "Okay. So you're going to wait for a miracle to happen then? 'Cause that won't happen 'til hell freezes over."

"Huh? And no I'm not waiting for a miracle to happen. You're going to move in to my place. And you'll have your own room and whatever you want. You'll be like my sister!" Alice sighed happily.

My jaw dropped.

Alice squinted at my expression. "You don't honestly like living in an orphanage do you, Bella? 'Cause if you do, you can stay there. I was just voicing an opinion…"

"Alice! Of course I'll love to stay with you," I grinned. It was first time I'd shown any emotion in ten days.

Alice beamed back.

When we got to Charlie's place, I quickly stuffed all my clothes and belongings into the suitcase Alice lent me.

"Need help?"

I nodded, grateful that she'd come out of the car.

Together we lifted the valise into the trunk of the car and headed to the place I would call home, temporarily.

"Everyone's at school, right?"

Alice nodded.

We hobbled inside with the luggage and met Esme and Carlisle in the living room.

"Welcome, Bella," Esme said sincerely while hugging me tightly.

"It's nice to have you here, Bella," Carlisle offered generously.

I blushed. "Thanks, it was really nice of you to offer."

Alice groaned, and dragged me away from her parents.

"C'mon. I'll give you a tour."

***

Alice chatted away happily. 'That's Em's room. And that's Rosalie's next to his. Jasper's next to mine. It's not really all that interesting. But mine is. And so is Edward's. Come on.'

Alice's room was amazing. Like the others', it was big, but wasn't spacious. Her wall was painted pink, with yellow stars dotting the bland wall. She had a queen sized bed, and it was all pink and shiny - full of the metallic girl stuff I was never able to digest.

She had a massive purple dresser with a full length mirror. In fact, she had lots of mirrors. If I hadn't known Alice very well, I would've thought she was a very vain person.

Sensing my awe, Alice shrugged her shoulders and pulled me into Edward's room.

I found his room much more interesting. He had rows and rows of CDs, and bookshelves of novels. I went closer to observe the titles of some of them, and was surprised to find that we had similar tastes in both music and books. Pity he was always acting like a self-absorbed person whenever I was present.

Alice chuckled. 'Yeah, yeah, you'll have another chance to visit his room, don't worry. Let's go to yours. It's right next to his.'

I nodded.

"Sorry," Alice apologized.

"It's okay. At least I don't have to live on my own."

My room, as I expected, was plain. There was also a queen size bed with down quilts already spread across. It was more than I could ever ask for.

"I'm sorry for not decorating your room a bit. There wasn't much time…"Alice apologized again.

I shook my head.

"Thanks so much, Alice," I whispered, with a lump in my throat, "I really don't deserve this."

"It's _fine_, Bella. You just lost a big part of your life that can't be replaced. Everything's cool with us. In fact, I think Mom's ecstatic."

We were silent for a while, lost in our own thoughts.

Suddenly the door slammed and we both jumped.

My voice trembled. "Awww, crap!"

Alice sighed. "Don't worry, Bella. He already knows."

At least he was prepared for my presence in the house. It would probably make things a little bit easier to handle.

"Edward! Bella's here." I heard Esme say warmly.

"What? Oh, right. How nice," he snapped back.

"Be nice to her." Carlisle warned gently.

"Yeah, yeah."

"Sorry!" Alice whispered back, and we both giggled quietly.

At least I had Alice for company.

We heard a door open again and I wondered who it was.

"Dammit," Alice cursed quietly.

"Who is it?"

"Jessica."

"Stanley?" I asked. "What's she doing here?"

"It's Edward's umm…," Alice stuttered, embarrassed.

I laughed. "His girlfriend?"

"Something like that. Close the door, they're coming upstairs."

I kept my head down as I went to close the door, hoping not to catch a glimpse of Jessica, or Edward.

"Now look who it is. Nice to meet you, _Bella_." _Shit_. She'd caught me. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

I shook my head.

"I'm with Alice," I replied courteously.

Alice defended, "Yeah, she's with me. She's my friend. There's nothing wrong with a sleepover is there? Isn't that what you're doing?"

"Oh _yes_ that's right. I'm having a _sleepover _with _Edward_." Jessica replied, sarcastic.

Alice slammed the door.

"Get used to that."

I was surprised. Jessica was my classmate, but she had never mentioned Edward before when she spoke during class and lunch. She was always talking about proms or organizing movies to see with friends.

'She comes here a lot?'

Alice glared darkly at the door. 'More than a lot. She's, you know, one of the girls that have slept with Edward. So of _course_.'

'Jessica's slept with Edward?!'

"Duh. More than once. I'm sorry to say, and I'm also rather embarrassed as he is my brother, but yeah, he has had more flings with Lauren, Jessica, Tanya, and all those stuck up bitches than you can count on your fingers.

I opened my eyes wide and felt incredulous.

"And you never mentioned this before because…?!"

Alice laughed a tinkling laugh. "Because it never came up. Since when did we ever talk about boys and sex?"

"But it's your brother!" I protested. She always told me Edward was a quiet person, and never did she mention the fact that he was a fuck-all sleazebag who had groupies.

"It's private stuff, okay?"

"Right." I giggled. "Private."

**EPOV**

Jessica lying on my bed was fucking distracting me. She had practically begged me to do the damn assignment and finish it tonight, but it wasn't fucking possible. Not with her lying on the bed, her light brown hair all spread out on my pillow. And shit, she smelled like sex. Not that I cared, since I was the one who would have her down on me tonight.

"Fuck that,' I groaned, "We still have ages for this to be due. Why do it now?"

Jessica shrugged. "I thought you would just want it out of the way."

I could have possibly been imagining the double meanings in her words. _Hell yeah_.

"It's already out of my way," I whispered cockily and grinned.

Then I covered her mouth with mine. She smelled nice, and tasted like those shitty artificial lip glosses that had a flowery flavor, but I didn't feel anything. There was no passion or heat. None at all. I wanted to taste lemons, and smell sweetness. And with that thought I suddenly felt like I was going to fuck an already fucked up Barbie doll. _Shit_. But I already had a semi, and I wasn't going to give up the chance. It had been too long.

The door creaked just when Jessica was about to unbutton my jeans. _Perfect timing, Emmett_.

"Edward?" A timid voice, that sounded all velvety and perfect asked, "Esme wants to see you."

Jessica gasped beneath me and I looked towards the door to see who it was.

_Fuck_. It was Bella. Bella, with her blue pyjamas on… and with her shiny chestnut hair down. _Shit_.

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Hey guys. Thanks to all my readers and reviews, and especially my lovely betas**_ izzzyy_** and _**SecretlySeverus **_and the guys from PTB.

Reviews make me happy :)

x


	4. Dazed and Confused

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. **

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**Dazed and Confused**

'**Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be.'- Anton Chekhov**

**BPOV**

_Shit_. I was so screwed. Cringing, I thought back to my embarrassing run-in with Edward and Jess on the bed.

I thought I had knocked, and entered after. They probably hadn't heard me, I assumed glumly. Since then, Edward refused to make eye contact with me, or even bother to make snide comments about my presence in the house. In fact, he was completely ignoring me now. I wondered why that bothered me so much.

I yawned as I washed the dishes. I was pretty sure everyone had gone to bed now. The house was quiet and dark downstairs, and the only light was the moonlight shining through the window. I didn't turn on the lights, not wanting to disturb Esme or Carlisle. I was glad that I had asked Esme to leave the dishes for me to wash when I couldn't sleep. I knew I was tired, but every time I was on the brink of letting my eyes close, I kept thinking what Jessica's reaction would be tomorrow at school. Even worse, I thought about Edward's cold stare before getting off the bed and continuing to do his homework. I felt sick. Should I go apologize? Could I? I wasn't sure. I felt sick.

_At least I have Alice_, I comforted myself.

Finishing off the last couple of dishes, I washed my hands and heard a noise behind me.

I blinked and turned around, my eyes widened in shock.

"Edward?"

He wasn't wearing a shirt and his back was to me but I could tell it was him. No one, not even I, could miss his trademark messy bronze hair that shone from the light of the refrigerator. And not even I could mistake his lean muscular body as being someone else. He turned slightly and gasped. I groaned inwardly. This could be headed a bad direction.

"What the fuck? What are you doing here? Are _you_ sneaking up on me?"

I shook my head in denial while staring at him. I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from his face…his chiselled jaw…his eyes… His eyes were so green; I felt like I was swimming in them.

Edward interrupted my reverie with an angry tone. "Are you done eye fucking me now?"

I tore my eyes away from his and looked down, embarrassed and frightened by his tone of voice. Alice wasn't here to back me up now.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

I flinched back at his vicious tone of voice.

"I…umm, well…," I stammered. I tried to get my thoughts in order but was scared of his response. I hoped with all my might I wouldn't start crying in front of him.

"Edward! What are you doing?" Esme's voice asked sharply, startling both me and Edward.

"Sorry," he muttered, breathing in deeply and running a hand through his messy hair.

"Bella, are you alright?" Esme asked softly.

"Yeah," I sighed, "Yeah I'm fine. I'll go to bed now."

"Sleep well, Bella."

"You, too."

I tiptoed up to my room and lifted my bed sheets, surprised to find a piece of paper addressed to me.

_If you ever tell anyone what happened this afternoon, you won't be getting to the end of this shit you pulled. I will. - E. Cullen._

My stomach lurched at his threat. He was never going to forgive me for this, or forget it either.

Turning my head over, I squeezed my eyes shut and hoped for a dreamless night.

***

"Bella!"

My eyes flew open. Where was I again? As my vision cleared I realised I was at Alice's. My thoughts brightened up a little as I went down to eat breakfast with Alice.

I ate breakfast cheerily. Bacon and eggs was something I hadn't eaten in a very long time. Ever since I had moved into my father's home, basically all I had eaten was Pop-tarts, unless it was a take-out night.

I deliberated on what I was going to wear, now that I finally had my full closet here with me. Unable to decide what was appropriate, I shrugged on my usual tee and skinny jeans stuffed into Converse shoes.

The sky was gloomy and grey but it was only drizzling so I left for school a bit earlier than Alice in a rush, hoping to dodge Jessica on the way to Biology in case Edward meant what he wrote to me last night.

Rain misted down on Forks, and I kept my head down so I didn't have to see anyone as I raced into the science lab. I was thankful that it was still empty.

I breathed a sigh of relief and walked over to my seat and started to prepare for the first lesson - something I had never done before.

I was nervous and agitated as I watched the class file into the lab. I craned my head over my classmates, scanning to see if Jessica was in sight.

Angela grinned at me. "Bella!"

"Hi. Where's Jess?" I tried to keep my tone uninterested and even and continued to search for Jessica.

"She's not coming today." Angela said in a tight voice.

I kept my mask cool and asked curiously innocent. "Why? Is she sick?"

Angela sympathised with her. "She said she felt sick after school. She walked home you know, in the rain. Poor girl."

I snorted and she turned her head and looked at me, startled.

"Something wrong, Bella?"

"Not the way you mean it." I replied darkly.

"You think she's lying?" She asked in a sceptic tone. Poor _Angela_, I thought.

"Not just that. She was actually - ouch!" I turned around to look who had shot me with an eraser at my back.

It was Jessica. And she had an expression on her face that was normally reserved for the people she hated, like Mike or Eric. It was pure loathing. More than that, she was angry at me.

"Don't you fucking say another word, _Isabella_ Swan!" She sneered.

I smirked. "Yeah, because you don't want me to embarrass the crap out of you by saying it, right?"

"Miss Stanley! Miss Swan!" Mr Banner called.

"Sorry sir," we muttered. And I hoped for Christ's sakes that he hadn't caught Edward's attention.

I turned my back around and faced the front. Tears decided to spring up at this awful moment. I clenched my teeth shut, willing them not to fall and humiliate me. Just like Forks, it never rained, but it poured. Life wasn't fair, especially for me.

"Bella, are you alright?" Angela asked, concerned.

"Yeah. Totally fine."

I kept my head down and Angela, sensing my distress, left me alone and we worked silently for the rest of the lesson, though we occasionally asked questions when we were stuck on a problem.

Time passed quickly enough and the bell rang. I hurried to get out of the classroom before Jessica could snap at me some more.

One more year, I sighed, and then it would all be over. All the cold stares, all the humiliation, all the pressure - it would all be over. All except Alice's friendship, I hoped.

Angela had met Ben in the hallway and continued to chat with him.

She looked at me with an apologetic face.

I shook my head and replied, "Don't worry."

Trudging along, I made my way to the cafeteria by myself hoping to spot Alice or Emmett before settling down at the table. I definitely wasn't ready for Edward yet. My stomach dropped as I saw Edward sitting there, alone. What was I going to do? I bought myself a soda and sat down opposite him, not speaking. I was not in a mood for that today. I wanted some peace and quiet.

Edward flicked his eyes over from Jessica to me.

"Alice and Emmett went to plan your father's funeral. Carlisle expects the date to be around October first." He said tonelessly.

I nodded to tell him I understood. Crap. I had totally forgotten my father's funeral, and it was only three weeks away due to all the sudden arrangements.

Screw Edward. He obviously wasn't going to do anything to make lunch more bearable. Now I had no appetite at all. I picked up my soda and dumped it in the garbage bin and headed for gym. I looked back to see if I had left anything at the table, and caught myself looking at Edward's expression. It was troubled, and upset. It made my heart give a little tug and I hated myself for it. He was so cruel and arrogant. Why should I feel sympathy towards him?

Angela caught up with me in the change room on with an apologetic expression on her face.

"Sorry," she whispered as we headed to the gym. I smiled back. "It's okay."

Gym was brutal. Coach Clapp had ordered us to pair up for badminton, which was the bane of the gym lessons. I whacked myself on the head with the racket while trying to hit the shuttlecock back to Angela.

"Owww!" I growled, wincing.

Angela bit back a laugh.

I grimaced at her and continued the next twenty minutes being aware. But my mind was filled with Edward, and his high mood swings that were starting to give me whiplash.

I smashed the shuttlecock back at Angela at that thought. Score.

"Wow. You beat me for once." Angela teased.

I grinned back. "Practice makes perfect."

***

I finally pushed my mind off Edward and focused on my walk home from school. There wasn't much homework so I decided to dawdle, taking small detours on the way to the Cullen's house. I had never realized that Forks actually was quite a beautiful town. Because it was usually raining, most of the trees and plants were covered in green moss. When the sun was out, like today, it lit up the whole town. Looking around, the people I passed on the sidewalk were rather cheery, greeting me with "good afternoons" and smiling. Even I was feeling a little happier. I lifted up my face to soak in the sunshine. It could be the last time I felt it in a while. Knowing my luck, it might, it might start snowing next week as it was nearing winter.

Once I was home, I made my way to my room, getting ready for the weekend.

A knock on the door startled me.

Alice stood in the doorway. "Bella? We're going out shopping. You coming with us?"

"When you mean 'we're,' does that include…" I didn't want to say his name.

She sighed and giggled. "Yes. Everyone except Esme and Carlisle of course."

I nodded. "I'll meet you downstairs in five minutes. I have to get dressed."

Alice groaned. "Here let me help you."

She immediately began clawing though my closet, looking for something for me to wear.

"If you're planning to find a dress of any sort, don't waste your time!" I smirked, and she scowled back. She looked like an angel even though she was making faces.

"Then I'll get you something from _my_ closet then."

It was my turn to groan.

"Alice!" I whined.

"How about this?"

_Ugh_, I thought mentally. It was white. A white casual tight-fitted dress.

"No way"' I argued. There was no way in hell I was going to wear that.

She stomped off and left and I grinned at her angry little figure rushing downstairs.

I ended up wearing my black hoodie and tight grey jeans, a scruffy look Alice was definitely going to hate.

Alice said we were going out with Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper - and Edward. I wanted today to be a chance to fix whatever was wrong between Edward and me. I didn't want any more cold stares from him. And I didn't want to be unhappy when Alice invited him to see a movie with us. What I wanted was peace. I knew I'd started out at the wrong end of his stick, but I was going to do whatever I could to fix it, especially since we were going to be living in the same house for a while, at least until graduation.

I shook my head as I let my hair down, planning what I was going to say to Edward.

The door opened and Alice stuck her head in.

"You ready?"

"Yeah."

I was surprised when Edward spoke to me when we were all in the car.

"Bella? I know you hate my driving, so I'll try to keep the speed reasonable today." He even smiled a little. What was happening? Was he on drugs or something? I looked at Alice for an explanation but she was just as mystified as I was.

I smiled back affably. "Thanks."

Emmett decided to crack a joke and it make us all laugh and suddenly all the tension that was building up in the atmosphere of the car was gone.

For the first time in a while, I felt relaxed and felt like I belonged with them - in the car, and with Edward.

I caught Edward glancing at me a few times with a peculiar look on his face and I hoped that he wasn't annoyed at me in any way. I had never been this aware of him, or anyone else for that matter. I wanted to joke with him the way I did with Jasper and Em, but I was afraid all hell would break loose and ruin the perfect moment.

I had never been to Port Angeles. Of course, with my truck and Charlie's busy schedule, I'd never had the chance. It was a beautiful town that looked like it was built as a tourist destination. There were a few fine boutique stores where I reluctantly agreed to go with Alice to shop. Shopping with Alice was a blur. Within an hour, I realized I had bought two jackets for the upcoming wintry weather, a dress that I was extremely unlikely to wear, a pair of boots, and a white hoodie I had chosen. The hoodie was the only thing I'd chosen myself.

Alice then decided to go into a lingerie shop with Jasper, Rose and Em but I profusely refused to go.

"Wow," I breathed.

Edward chuckled. "Horny motherfuckers, aren't they?"

I stared. Why was he being so kind to me all of a sudden?

"What? Sorry, I didn't mean to offend," he apologized hastily, "But they are, really. Jasper and Em would never miss a chance like this to stock up."

Even though I preferred that Edward and I have an easy companionship, there was still something bothering and nagging me that I had to ask. I took a deep breath and hoped he would accept my apology and be friends.

"Look Edward, about yesterday, I'm really, really so—," I started.

Edward shook his head and interrupted me.

"Bella, it's me who should be sorry. I didn't mean to, and I didn't realize she was your friend. I bet she got pissed at you and that's why you had to sit with me during lunch." He said this all very quickly.

I gazed up at him. _Was _he on drugs?

Edward laughed at my bemused expression. "What?"

"Are you on drugs or something?" I blurted out mindlessly.

He snorted and I was relieved that he had recovered his easy humour so quickly. "No. Why?"

"Then why are you being so nice to me?" I whispered, starting the uneasy tension. I watched his face change as he struggled to think of something to say. _Oh crap_.

"I'm going to act like an idiot tonight because I'm going to be saying 'I'm sorry' a lot. I didn't mean to be mean to you, even at the beginning, when we all first met. I was just…a little fed up because Alice always talks about you. Fuck, yeah I know it's irrational," he continued, "I'm really sorry about my behavior, Bella."

He looked down at me sincerely. I was still in shock. Was he freaking kidding me?

His eyes suddenly changed color to a deeper, darker, more intense green. I was drowning in it. I gasped and looked away, so that I could catch my breath.

I looked around and realized the rest of them were still in the lingerie shop but it was already dark, and the weather had changed. It was chilly, and the cool wind blew my hair, messing my soft waves.

My heart lurched when he suddenly came over to me and tucked the stray lock of hair behind my ears.

"You're beautiful, Bella," he whispered.

My heart stuttered and I blushed furiously. "Thank you."

* * *

Hey guys. Sorry for the late update. Again, thanks to all my readers and reviewers and especially my lovely betas **_izzzyy_** and **SecretlySeverus **for their wonderful help and advice.

Next update will be sometime next weekend.

FrEeZeGiRL8000 x


	5. I'm Here

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. **

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**I'm Here**

'**Bondage is - subjection to external influences and internal negative thoughts and attitudes.'- W. Clement Stone**

**EPOV**

"You're beautiful, Bella," I whispered, studying her reaction intently. The words slipped out of my mouth before I realized what I was actually saying, but there was no denying it. The chilly wind blew Bella's hair across her face and she shivered slightly in her flimsy t-shirt, looking extremely vulnerable and tiny. Her hair was down, not tied up like it normally was at school. I regretted putting the note that contained my false threat inside her bed sheets now. I even regretted being unkind to her. I felt embarrassed for telling her the real reason that I was always being an asshole around her. Everything I ever said or thought about her was unreasonable. I could never forget the way she looked at lunch today; her crestfallen face when she didn't see Alice, Jasper, Emmett, or even Rosalie sitting at the table. From Jessica's face when she partnered up to me in gym, I had already guessed she'd had words with Bella. I wanted to punch myself in the gut for telling her the reason why my siblings weren't with me and I didn't blame her for leaving the lunch table soon after that. I wasn't much more company than Jessica could be.

I wouldn't blame her for hating me, but acting like we were friends was just too much for her to bear, Bella had replied with a quiet "Thank you."

My heart skipped a beat – a strange reaction that was completely foreign to me.

I was looking at her as though I'd never seen her before.

The door of the lingerie shop opened and Alice and the others starting coming out, giggling and chatting about something.

I sighed.

I walked back to the car and waited for the others to load their bags full of fucking lacy shit into the trunk.

"Bella, you all right?" Alice asked Bella, once. "Sorry for the wait."

"I'm fine," Bella replied, and then she yawned. "Just a little tired."

Soon enough, Bella had fallen asleep, with her. I glanced back and saw that she had a peaceful expression on her face. _So fucking beautiful_.

The ride back home was quiet as Bella was asleep. I stifled a laugh picturing Alice having to carry Bella, who was probably double her weight, up the stairs and into her room.

Once we were nearing home, I heard Alice waking Bella up.

"Bella, we're home. Wake up," Alice cooed, making Em laugh.

He snorted, startling all of us, including me. "Alice, you can't even wake a baby up with that bullshit. Let me help you." Oh fuck. I prepared for the explosion.

"_Bella. Wake up!_" he roared.

Alice groaned and scowled at Emmett. "Owwww, Em! Not funny."

"Hey, but it worked," He replied teasingly.

I felt Bella stir and wake.

"Alice?" she croaked.

Alice laughed. "Yes? We're home now."

I watched everyone get out of my car and start unloading their crap. Bella was helping them carry their items so I didn't get a chance to apologize officially for being a dickhead. I wrung my hands, not knowing what I should do, so instead of standing at the doorway staring like a fool, I decided to start completing the fucking assignment Mr Banner had assigned us to do.

I checked my phone to see if anyone had called me. I had two voicemails from Jessica. Fuck. What the hell did she want? Well…nothing unless she wanted me to go to her place tonight, which I wouldn't mind doing since I had missed my chance at doing her when Bella interrupted. My thumb browsed over to the contacts and I decided to call her.

She answered on the first ring. "Edward?"

"Hi Jessica. What do you want?"

She giggled. I wondered what she was thinking about. "Oh, nothing. What are you doing?"

I fidgeted, not wanting to sound like a nerd. "Just completing Banner's shit."

"Who cares? Do you want to come over tonight? My parents are gone and I'm feeling a little lonely right now," she hinted.

I straightened up, and felt my cock responding.

"Ok. I'll come. See you in a few I guess."

Jessica squealed with excitement and I laughed, hanging up, feeling glad that I could make her do that just over the phone. I grabbed my overnight bag that Alice had packed me in case of emergencies, and rushed downstairs.

"Edward, where are you going?" Esme asked.

"Visiting a friend. I'll be back on Sunday," I replied innocently. I had not forgotten my promise to Jessica.

Esme would had no idea what the hell I was up to, or what I was going to do tonight for that matter. I rushed out of the door before Carlisle started questioning me and drove away. It was dark and the road was quiet and with hardly any cars. If it wasn't for the fact that I had been driving for over two years, I wouldn't, in case I hit a blind spot. But if I was going to get something I wanted desperately tonight, then I would risk it.

Once I reached Jessica's, I knocked on the door and she opened up smiling like she was a five-year-old and I had just told her Santa was real. She hugged me tightly and sighed.

"Thanks for coming."

"No problem."

The way she acted around me was unusual; it was like I was her boyfriend. I hoped she didn't think that. I didn't have a girlfriend, and I wasn't anyone's boyfriend, but I had girls, and that was a fact. "Groupies", as some asses like Mike and Angela would say. But I didn't care. I was content the way things were right now. Tonight, it was going to be just me, caress her like no other had done to her. After all, I was the one who had taken her first, just like so many others. I was proud of that; I would always mean something to them, but they would never mean something to me.

"Edward, aren't you going to kiss me?" Jessica asked, flirting with me, bringing me back down to Earth.

I leaned in and crushed my mouth against hers, thrusting my tongue through her lips, meeting hers. I felt a shortage of breath and wondered what was wrong with me. It was a feeling I'd never experienced, but I ignored it, so I ignored it and continued to pull her body into mine.

"Bedroom?" Jessica asked breathlessly.

"Yeah, just hang on. I'm going to get something." It wasn't going to be a good fuck without some tequila.

I hurried off to her kitchen and found the bottles of tequila and beer she hid for parties without her parents' consent. Grabbing them, I dashed into Jess's bedroom, growling when I realized that she had already taken most her clothes off. That was _my_ job. As my punishment, I decided to take mine off by myself. I looked over at her while unbuckling my pants. She was already lying on the bed, with only her bra and panties on and so I charged at her and our lips crashed together within seconds. I was glad she didn't bother applying flavored lip gloss this time, or I was going to picture her as a plastic doll and I'd probably lose my erection.

She wrapped her legs around me and begged me to keep going. I tugged her panties off and slid into her effortlessly, our bodies welcoming each other, just like before. I lifted her leg up and thrust deeper into her, making her whimper with pleasure.

"Fuck!" she screamed. "You're in so deep."

"God you feel so good," I moaned into her neck.

I couldn't hold it off any longer, and by the way her walls were clenching around me, neither could she.

"Shit!" Jessica screamed again.

Her body twitched under mine and both. She cried out my name as I did hers. Pulling out of her, I brought my face towards her pussy and started licking our cum, dipping my tongue in, making her moan louder than before.

"How does it feel to taste yourself?" I teased, pressing my lips lightly to her swollen ones.

She giggled and replied: "I like how I tasted on you."

I reached for the bottle of tequila and downed half of it in one gulp.

"Want some?"

"Yeah thanks."

A dull numbing was beginning to take over me and I realized I had mistaken the drink for a bottle of beer. Fuck.

Jessica was already hung-over and would probably take many trips to the toilet to vomit. I carried her to bed and slept beside her. It wasn't the first time I had done this and sleep took over me as soon as my body gave in.

***

When the sun rose, I found Jessica still sleeping soundlessly. Lifting my head up, I experienced a mild dizzy feeling. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_. Grabbing my shirt and pulling it on over me, I rose out of bed with a resigned sigh. Jess's parents weren't back yet, so there was going to be at least a few hours before I had to leave - not that I wanted to. Last night was the best night I had experienced in over a month. Having release was even better. I was certain Jessica had enjoyed it as much as I had. The way she jerked and shook from her orgasm and the way she screamed my name. _Fucking heaven_.

I couldn't be bothered showering in case I was going to go down on her again.

"Edward?" Jessica mumbled throatily.

"Hey baby, I'm here," I whispered back, and she fell asleep again.

Jesus, what time was it anyway? I checked my watch. Eleven-thirty. Oh, _shit_.

It was Saturday. No wonder Jessica was still sleeping. Wasn't that what most people did? But I had grown accustomed to Carlisle's rules and it was ruining my style of doing things. He was too caring, too understanding, and too considerate. Too much of that bullshit that I sometimes felt like slapping his face and making him see sense, but I couldn't do that, because he was too _compassionate_. He would always accept my mistakes and my weaknesses, just like he had accepted everything else. He accepted my ways of partying and drunkenness. He loved me like I was his real son, but I was adopted, just like Em, and Jazz, and Rose, and Alice.

I wasn't perfect.

Sighing, I shook my head out of my thoughts and wrote a note to Jessica, stating that I was going home to finish our project.

I gave her a light kiss on the mouth and left, closing her bedroom door and her front door.

I drove around the streets aimlessly, waiting for something to happen. There was no fucking way I was going to go home.

My phone rang. It was Alice. Again. I hope she wasn't bringing more depressing bullshit into my life or I'd ask Carlisle to kick her out. Some kind of sister she is.

"Alice? What the fuck is it this time?" I growled.

"Carlisle thinks Bella has bulimia or some shit like that. She's been vomiting a lot these days, not that you would know it 'cause you're too busy shagging girls."

Her know-it-all attitude sparked up my anger. "And who the _fuck_ in the world told you I was shagging anyone?"

"Nobody. But that's you isn't it? Or why weren't you home yesterday?"

She'd caught me. Stupid psychic…

"I was visiting a friend who was…"

"Who had a last name like Stanley or Mallory, right?" Alice assumed.

"And you give a big fat fuck about it right? Who are they to you? Your girlfriends? Oh please."

Alice growled. I was stunned. I had no idea she had this much fire in her.

Having no answer, I hung up and headed home.

***

When I got home, there wasn't any noise. Emmett and Jazz had probably gone to football training, but I couldn't be fucking bothered today.

What I found surprising was Alice skulking and sitting alone on a step of the staircase.

"Alice? What the fuck is wrong?" I asked gently. I didn't want Jasper busting my ass later on.

Alice sniffed and I realized she had tears in her eyes. What the hell was this thing with girls anyway? Did they think crying was beautiful or something? Because it really fucking wasn't. It wasn't attractive, either. It was annoying as shit.

"Bella's in the hospital because Carlisle thinks there's something wrong with her. I caught her vomiting today. It was scary and I was freaking out. Carlisle diagnosed her as bulimic."

"You're scared of bulimia." I stated. She had to be kidding me right? Bulimia was just some shit illness that caused girls to be as thin as corpses.

I comforted her, for she was now crying in earnest. "Don't worry. Carlisle will fix her up. She'll be okay in a few days."

Alice glared. "And you're a fucking doctor, right?"

"No, I'm not. But she'll recover. You have to trust Carlisle or you can't trust anyone else."

"Guess you're right." And she smiled. Finally.

The rest of the day went by quickly. Jessica had texted me to say she had gotten my note. I had replied that I was almost done with the project. I had really tried a good job on it and had tried my best to commit. Why had Alice cried like that when she was worrying that Bella had bulimia? I wasn't even sure Bella was her best friend, but now Alice only had Jazz and Rose for company at home

It was eleven o'clock at night now, and the whole house was quiet. Alice had gone to visit in the hospital with Bella for a while, and so was Carlisle, it seemed. Em was snoring like a pig and Rose and Jazz were sleeping. Taking a large gulp of vodka, I finally drifted off to sleep without a single thought in my head.

***

Alice crashed into my room when I was just about to wake.

"Edward! You dumbass, wake up!" she screeched.

"What?" I mumbled back. What the hell was going on?

"We're going back to the hospital. You want to come?" she asked calmly.

"No!" I groaned back. "Why the fuck would I want to go there?"

"You told me what you thought about bulimia. I think it's time to know the difference between reality and textbook." Alice glared at me with accusing eyes

I snorted. "What? So your precious Bella is all skin and bone now?"

I said that as a joke but finally opening my eyes and looking at Alice, I realized that she had taken it seriously. "Hey, that was a joke." I apologized gently.

"It wasn't a very funny one."

"Sorry," I mumbled, feeling like a massive jackass.

"I just want some company while visiting her," she said in a measured tone of voice.

"Take Jazz."

"He's got finals this week."

"Fine. And I'll promise I won't be any sort of company you need. You should take Rose."

Alice wasn't buying my bullshit. "She went last night while you were locked up in your room doing only what God knows what you're doing."

She slammed the door and left. I sighed and put on my jacket. I wasn't wearing pajamas as I had forgotten to change and shower yesterday. Fuck. I smelled like sex and some random bad stuff that happened when you didn't shower for a few days.

Alice and Carlisle were waiting for me in the car.

"Good morning, Edward." Carlisle greeted me.

"Hey Dad," I mumbled back, slumping back in my seat.

"I wonder who didn't shower last night," Alice teased.

"I was busy doing homework," I replied, glaring at my smug sister.

Carlisle decided to change the topic. "Um, Edward, once you go in, try not to fight with Alice or make any loud noises. Alice wanted to go today and wanted company. I'm sure you both will take care of Bella. I have night shift today at a different hospital. Take care." He stopped the car, letting us out before driving away.

Alice glared at me once we were out of the car. "Remember what Carlisle said. No funny business."

Okay…so _she_ was the boss now? _Fuck that_.

As we walked into Bella's private room, I finally realized what Alice was saying. Or what was happening that caused Alice to become so grieved and distressed. Neither Alice nor Carlisle's words had prepared me for this sight. I was stunned and, for the first time, a little frightened.

Bella's hand was as white and thin as a corpse's and was hanging off the edge of the bed. She had two tubes surrounding her, making sure she was breathing. There was an IV bag next to her, which I was sure Bella was depending on for food.

I realized with a sickening jolt in my stomach that I had not noticed the symptoms. Did this show what kind of person I was? I could never become a doctor if I was as ignorant as this. No one would let me.

"She hadn't been eating much. I bet even you realized that," Alice whispered brokenly.

I remembered that day when she had walked into the lunch cafeteria and sat down with me with only a soda can in her tray. And she didn't even touch it. That was three days ago. Three days ago she still had color in her cheeks and shine in her mahogany hair. Three days ago she did not look like this; more lifeless and pale.

"Her father's death has killed her appetite, and she tries to eat, but vomits it out later. She could be in shock, still. I don't know what to do." On the last word, Alice whimpered and started crying on my shoulder. I pulled her close and tried comforting her. It was the first time I had done this to a female.

"Don't worry, Alice. Things will get better soon." I hoped. I really did. It was a foreign feeling. I didn't understand why I cared about Bella's sickness. I could see it was serious, and I, for some strange reason, wanted to help. I wanted to help her get better. I wanted to see her joke around with Alice with a bright smile on her face. I wanted her to be happy. These alien feelings were coursing through me like a hot fire. What the fuck was wrong with me?

"You okay, Edward?" Alice eyed me, anxious and concerned.

I nodded. "Just one night, and this happened?" I still couldn't fucking believe it.

"She's been like this for a while. It's just that I caught her vomiting and she finally spilled to Carlisle. She fainted just as we got to the hospital," she said disconsolately.

There was a slight tugging at my heart but I ignored it. "She fainted?"

"Because she hasn't been eating. The nurse has forced her to eat for the past couple of hours and she wouldn't. They're feeding her through a tube now."

Alice seemed relieved that this resolution would work but from what I know, it fucking wouldn't. Bella couldn't live like this forever.

The door opened and the nurse came in.

"Has she woken up yet?"

Alice shook her head. "What's happening?"

The nurse replied, grim. "I'm going to try to get her to eat now, but she might listen to you. I'll just leave the tray here. Wake her up and try help her find her appetite again."

The nurse left just as Alice's phone rang.

"Jasper?" Her face immediately lit up with delight and happiness.

There was uncertainty in her voice. "Okay. I'll be there."

I rolled my eyes and groaned.

Alice hanged up and turned to me, with pleading eyes. "Edward, Jasper wants to have lunch with me at the Jalisco place. Can you take care of Bella? Just for a few hours. I'll be back later to check on her. You just have to feed her."

Shit. "Okay. But you'll owe me a whole lot of shit for this."

Alice grimaced. "Sure."

I watched Alice walk to the door but she turned around again. "Edward?" she asked, troubled.

"What's wrong?"

Her face suddenly became a serious mask. "You have nice to her. Learn to like her; she's a good person who doesn't deserve to be here."

Be nice to her? The nicest thing I ever said to her was that she was beautiful. I was not going to say that here. Bella would probably start tearing up and crying again if I told her that, even though in my heart I knew it was still true. I just knew I couldn't say that if she felt like she looked just skinny and waxy.

"Bella," I whispered. I didn't want to touch her yet. She looked so fragile I was scared I would break her.

"Wake up." I tried again.

She stirred and opened her big eyes that have dulled to a flat brown.

"Alice?" she croaked.

I took a deep breath. This was going to be difficult but I promised Alice I would try. "Bella, it's Edward. Alice went to lunch with Jasper. She'll be back soon."

Bella's eyes flashed and she turned her head towards me. "What do you want?" she demanded with venom in her voice.

"I'm taking Alice's place for now." _Trust me, I didn't sign up for this._ "The nurse said you have to eat."

"The hell I'll eat," she replied sharply.

I wasn't going to argue with her. She was going to have it my way today, or while I was here, anyway. "You will! Why the fuck can't you eat?"

She flinched back at the harsh tone of my voice and tears and hurt flashed in her eyes. "I'm too weak," she whispered.

"I'll feed you," I replied gently. And slowly, bite by bite, I fed her some bits of bread and made her sip water. She even ate a bit of chocolate. With my encouragements, she had made a step towards recovery. I had done something the nurses and the doctors couldn't do. Something not even Alice could do.

Bella smiled weakly. "Thank you, Edward."

"No problem."

Bella fell asleep soon after and I sat back and watched her. She had a little pucker between her eyebrows that I wanted to smooth out with my fingertips, just lightly touching it.

"Edward," she whispered so quietly I almost didn't catch it.

She was dreaming. Dreaming about _me_. She had a slight smile on her face and was breathing more evenly. I took it as my chance. Alice and Carlisle weren't here. No one was around. I moved slowly out of my seat beside her bed and caressed her face with my right hand, just lightly, so lightly she probably wouldn't feel a thing.

"I'm here," I whispered and moved forwards to kiss her forehead tenderly.

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Thank you to my two lovely betas**_ izzzyy_** and** fantasmeqrt** for the advice and making my story sparkle and a big hug to all my readers and reviewers.

Please review :)


	6. Forgiveness

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. **

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**Forgiveness**

'**The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more damaging to yourself than to them.'- Lawana Blackwell**

**BPOV**

I could feel I was making progress, not quickly, but fast enough so that I could start attending school again in a couple of weeks and be fit enough for Charlie's funeral. Alice and Carlisle reckon the cause of my binging was shock from Charlie's death, but I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure it was bulimia I was dealing with. After all, apart from vomiting, I have also experienced headaches and high temperatures. Maybe I was ill. My diet was increasing, but I still wouldn't feed myself - I just couldn't bring myself to do it. After all, looking at food still disgusted me a little. One thing I felt guilty for was deceiving Alice and the fact that Edward was visiting me too. He would drop in when Jazz invited Alice out or when she had after school activities. Sure, Rose, Jazz, and Emmett also visited, but they never fed me - they just joked around with me and made me laugh, and I wasn't about to complain about that. It was Edward who fed me. I wasn't sure how much Alice was paying him to do so but if that was the case, I wanted him to stop forcing himself into my aura of misery and sickness. I decided I would demand this bullshit that was pressed into me to stop.

It was four o'clock, and just like the last couple of days, Edward came in, with his school bag slung over his shoulder, for which reasons I still didn't know.

Smiling at me gently, he reached over into his bag and pulled out a sandwich. "I got this for you on the way here. Alice told me you liked ham and cheese ones."

I didn't move, because now I knew it was Alice. It was all Alice. Edward didn't have to do this.

"Edward, Alice is making you do this right?" I asked, surveying his reaction carefully.

His brows creased and his easy smile faded a little. "She was, but I wouldn't really fucking listen to her. You know that."

I couldn't make sense of what he was saying, or implying on. "Then why?" I whispered.

Edward groaned. "Bella, do you think we all like to see you rotting away like some dead shit? Or d'you think we like visiting corpses?" he continued, "All I'm trying to do is to fucking feed you. To make you better. That's really fucking all."

What? "You don't really have to fucking do this," I snarled.

His eyes turned pleading and I wondered what was wrong. I shook my head, telling him to stop with my eyes and failed only because I had tears in my eyes. I was sick of this, sick of all this. I was sick of the food people were pressing into me. I wanted out. This was worse than I had expected. I would not have ended up here if it weren't for Alice catching me vomiting. But she had dragged the whole story out of me and I was stuck here now.

"Just leave, Edward." I had just had enough.

"I want to make sure you're okay." He leaned towards me and held out the sandwich he bought.

He wasn't leaving, and that was what built the fire in me. "Just leave. Now." I snapped.

"Bella…"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear your bullshit, or Alice and Carlisle's for that matter. Go home, Edward." Tears started leaking out from the corners of my eyes, but it wasn't anger that I was feeling. I was angry at him for forcing himself to help me, but I also felt awful about starting this conversation.

Edward's eyes turned critical. "I don't want you to die, Bella. Eat this sandwich, or I'll call in the nurse."

"Call her then. And tell her to make me fucking _eat_."

He glanced at me once more before heading out the door. I wiped my tears with my left hand before the nurse came it.

The door slammed again and Edward was no where to be seen; the nurse came in alone, shoving a food tray onto my lap and readjusting my IV.

"Eat." She insisted.

"Make me." I retorted.

"Do you want me to feed you?" she asked, concerned.

I snorted. "Fuck you." And so she shrugged her shoulders and left. I closed my eyes in exhaustion. I haven't eaten in a day, since Edward came in yesterday, and that was only an apple. I haven't been to the toilet in two days, and I guess it wasn't really necessary since barely any food was consumed. I leaned back down on my pillow and my mind went blank.

"Bella! Bella!" I opened up one eye in case it was Edward who was calling but it was just Carlisle.

"Yeah?" I mumbled back sleepily, still exhausted.

"We want to get you weighed and view your BMI." We…hang on; there was more than one person here? _Another _doctor? Shit, I wasn't able to back out of this anymore.

"Okay." I relented.

Getting me off the bed took a long while. I had absolutely no energy I couldn't even stand up. Dr Gerandy supported my back while Carlisle held on to me, lifting me onto the scale.

My eyes were closed when I heard Carlisle gasp. They brought me back to the bed and I lay there.

"What's wrong?" I slurred; talking used up too much of what's left of my energy.

"Bella, you have an extremely low BMI, 17.2 to be exact. You really have to start eating. I have ordered a progressive diet for you to keep up with and so…" his stern voice slowly faded out and darkness enclosed around me.

I could feel someone was shaking me. Shaking me hard.

"Bella…wake up!" Alice gasped, her voice thick with tears. "You're really sick, aren't you?"

"That's an understatement." I heard Edward mutter.

Oh, shit. So he was here. Just the two of them? Curiosity took over me and I opened my eyes minimally. Okay, check. Just the two of them.

I blinked my eyes. "Alice?"

"Oh, Bella! We were so worried." She replied, relieved. "Carlisle told us and you really have to start eating. This is going to be bad, really bad, if you don't."

My stomach grumbled loudly. _Shit_. I was caught red-handed. Looking at Alice and Edward, I knew they heard it, too.

Alice sighed and rubbed her red eyes. "I didn't know you would wake up, or when, so I decided to give it a try but I have to go now. Sorry."

My heart sank. That would leave only Edward and me. "Why? Where're you going?"

"To Port Angeles. Um, Angela invited me and wanted me to go shopping with her. You could've come but you're still sick. Don't worry," she reassured me, "Edward brought you food. And you're going to eat."

Oh, so this was a game? "I don't want to." I said stubbornly.

"You will, because I love you and I want you to get better."

Alice slammed the door and left.

I turned my head away from the glass door and found Edward shuffling his feet next to my bed. There was an uncomfortable silence that I wanted to break. He looked like he was afraid of what I was going to say to him, and truly, I was. I had pushed away one of the people who wanted to help me and honestly wanted me to get better.

He hesitated before speaking to me. "I know how you must feel about me but I wanted to give you something."

He opened his school bag and took out Dante's Divine Comedy. "This is one of my favorites so I bought it from a bookshop on the way here. I hope you enjoy it."

He watched me finger the stiff spine. I had no idea how he knew I loved poetry and this time, I was sure it wasn't Alice who told him; she would only know what kinds of clothing and music I loved and disliked. I turned to the back to see how much it had cost, so I could pay him back but he had already ripped the sticker off.

"Wow." That was my response at first.

He looked so relieved I felt like laughing. "You like it?"

I beamed back with all the energy I could produce. "Yeah, it's great. I love it!"

He smiled back and laughed.

**EPOV**

I was glad she didn't think I was a nerd or anything. I was even happier that she had accepted my gift excitedly, and, she enjoyed poetry just as fucking much as I did. I didn't know what had made me pick out Dante instead of all those fucking romance stories Alice and Rosalie read, but I knew Bella was different. The way she acted around people and the way she dressed completed the characteristics for a friend I was searching for. We had so much in common, and she had no idea.

Buying the book for her was just to soften her, as I knew I would have to ask her to eat something after she read for a while. I didn't want her to go in for the kill and make me leave again, like yesterday. Not being able to do anything about her gloomy state and illness made me ache. And the tears in her eyes after she kicked me out made me hurt. Really fucking hurt. Couldn't she see I had meant what I said that day in Port Angeles? I wanted all this bad stuff to go away, and from my point of view, it seemed to me that it was _I_ who cared about Bella the most. Alice hadn't spent as much time here as I had, and nor has Carlisle. The reason why Bella was living and breathing right now was basically because of me. I was the reason she ate. I had taken care of her. Because she was now my friend.

It was a comfortable silence for a long while, but when I saw Bella's eyes begin to droop, I knew I had to make my move.

"Bella." I said, waiting for her to respond.

"Edward?" She yawned.

"Eat." I didn't want to get her a sandwich in case it reminded her of yesterday, so I bought a small slice of chocolate cake.

She shook her head and looked down. "No."

"You have to, or you'll die." I retorted harshly. I didn't mean to say that, but it slipped out of my mouth, raw. It was the ruthless truth.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and shook her head. "So what?"

I looked at her in disbelief and then the truth of what she said settled in. I felt like a ton of bricks had hit me in the stomach.

"I don't want you to die." I told her, watching her intently. "You're my friend. I don't want you to die." I repeated.

"Cut that bullshit, Cullen." She snarled.

Tears were starting to form in my eyes. Great. Now I was officially turning into a woman. She wouldn't listen to me. She could die. "Isabella Swan. Listen to me." I walked over to her and kneeled by her bedside, holding her hand. "Please," I begged. "Don't leave us. We all need you."

I closed my eyes, and leaned my forehead on her hand, waiting for her to respond. I jumped slightly when she traced my jaw lightly with her finger. It was like there was an electric shock passing between us.

"Edward," she whispered. I opened my eyes and saw that she was staring intently into mine.

"Bella?"

"You have to help me." Her voice shook and then she gulped. "I couldn't do the things I could have a few weeks ago. I could go to the toilet, and I could cook in the kitchen, but I'm _weak_. I need your help."

She started crying in earnest and I felt stab of an aching pain in my chest; I didn't want to see her crying like this. I wanted to fight off all her self hatred. She was already giving up, but I didn't want to see her go. I lifted my other hand that wasn't holding hers and gently brushed her sallow and bony cheek.

"Okay," I promised. "As long as you need me, I'll be here."

She smiled and I wished I could hug her in comfort, but she was too fragile; I felt like one touch could break her. I smiled back; it was the least I could do. I wanted to break away from her gaze but it was too difficult. Her eyes became an intense brown and I had to remember to catch my breath. The mood of the room had changed.

"Some cake?" I offered, lightening the atmosphere.

She laughed gently. So fucking _beautiful_. "Yes, thank you."

I handed the packet to her and watched her eat slowly with a thoughtful expression. She hadn't eaten in ages, and if I were her, I would've finished the cake in one bite. I flipped aimlessly through the book I gave her, waiting for her to finish.

"Edward?" Bella asked.

I looked up from her book and smiled when I saw she was, too. "Yeah?"

"I'm full."

She had only eaten half of the cake, but that was progress. She was making progress. And that was all I fucking cared about in this moment. I took the leftover from her hand and swallowed it in one gulp.

"Wishing I could do that, eh?" she asked.

I chuckled. "Hell yeah. Any fucking day."

My phone rang and I glanced at the screen and sighed. It was Jessica.

"Who is it?" Bella asked blankly.

"Jessica."

Bella's eyes dulled with realization. "Are you going to answer the call?"

"Yeah. Hang on."

I dashed outside, not wanting to disturb Bella.

"Edward? What took you so long to answer?" Jessica said irritably.

"Sorry. I was visiting a sick friend."

"Who?" God, she was impertinent and persistent sometimes.

"Bella Swan."

Jessica snorted and it annoyed me. "Bella Swan? You're visiting _Bella Swan_? Are you on drugs or something? What's wrong with her?"

"Nothing," I defended. "She's just sick and I wanted to visit her."

"Well, can you come over right now?" _No, Jess, stop being a bitch or I'll hang up._

"I have football training with Jasper now. Sorry."

Jessica's voice went sad._ Shit_. "Okay, maybe next time."

"Sure," I muttered.

Once she hanged up, I quickly dialed Jazz's number.

"Hey Edward. What's up?"

"Jess just called me to hit up at her place but I made some shit excuse that I was training with you. Back me up, 'kay?"

Jazz laughed. "Sure."

I hung up and headed back to Bella.

Bella looked at me with questioning eyes and asked, "When are you going?"

"I'm not going anywhere," I told her truthfully.

"What about Jessica?"

"Doesn't matter." I replied hastily – Bella was far more important right now. "I want to spend some time with you."

Her voice turned disapproving. "You really don't have to do this, Edward. Jessica wants you." _Yeah, in more ways than you could possibly fucking imagine, Bella._

But instead of replying, I thought Bella's words over. What the fuck was I doing? I suddenly wondered why I was doing this and why I wasn't going to Jessica's. Bella was my friend and so was Jessica. They both needed me. I knew Alice could come babysit Bella whenever she wanted but I, for some unfathomable reason, wanted to be with her. It wasn't a choice anymore and now I could see how easy it was falling head over heels with Bella Swan. The tiny slip of a girl with large, innocent brown eyes was charming and easy to make friends with. She was my equal, firing back what I had fired at her with. She would swear when I swore. There was nothing I could do and she couldn't. She had already lost her mother and her father, but she had continued to go to school and chat away happily with all her friends. Bella was the bravest person I had ever met.

I turned my agonized eyes to meet hers. "I want to be with you."

Her breath faltered and for a moment I was worried about damaging her health by staying too close to her. "Okay," she whispered.

"We're cool then?" I asked. I wanted no more animosity between us.

"We're cool." She agreed and yawned.

Fuck. What time was it anyway? Seven thirty. I promised Carlisle I'd be home before nine so I still had a little time left with her.

"When're you going?" Bella asked, her eyes troubled.

I smirked. "When do you want me to go?"

"I don't want you to leave." She whispered.

"I won't then."

"I'm going to fall asleep though" she warned. Please, she was most interesting when she slept…when she had said my name, when she had smiled sleepily in her dreams…when -

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Goodnight." She mumbled quietly.

"Goodnight."

I watched her eyes droop and began to plan. I wasn't sure I was in love with her, but I knew I wanted her more than Jessica, or Lauren. Bella was a simple person, and I wasn't going to mess her up confusing my lust with love. This was the first time I had ever spoken to a girl without touching them or kissing them. The girls were always there; I'd hardly ever needed to make the first move, but I knew with Bella it was different. Everything was different. I could not treat her the way I treated Jessica. She was Alice's best friend, and seeing my sister finally being so happy with someone was more important than my need for Bella.

I didn't know if Bella wanted to play nice and fair with me because it was irrational. I had spoken so many unthinkable things to her I wouldn't mind if she punched my face a few fucking times, because I knew I would fucking deserve it. I didn't deserve her friendship, much less anything else greater than that.

But could I be friends? Be friends with Bella, and not wanting more? I had never tried it before. It didn't look like she wanted the physical side of my personality, so I had absolutely no idea what to do. It was like walking on a thin tightrope. I had to make sure all my toes were kept in line, or I'd fall off and everything would be over. Carlisle, and Alice would hate me for it if I did.

Bella whimpered and cried out softly, "Go away. Don't touch me."

"Shhh," I whispered. I couldn't let her have bad dreams. I wanted all the bad to disappear from her. She did not deserve any of that shit because if anyone did, it was me. I leaned over and kissed her forehead, like I did last night.

"I'm here," I whispered. But this time, I wasn't going to let go.

I watched her eyes slowly open and smiled. "I know," she whispered, before falling into a more comfortable and dreamless slumber.

**BPOV**

This was awful._ I_ was awful. I had no idea that was the way Edward had felt for me. I hadn't meant to make him cry at all. I felt pained at his sadness. He was such a good person. He helped me, brought me food, and comforted me. I needed to learn from him so I could be like that, too, but there were too many drastic catastrophes in my life that forced me to become the horrible person I was today.

Having this as my last thought before I sleep made me have a bad feeling there was going to be a nightmare coming along. Nightmares and dreams. They had suddenly become more explicit lately for reasons I do not know. Sometimes it was my dream lover singing to me, holding me tightly when I slept with his protective arms around me. Others, like this one, were nightmares. I was being under the hot slanting sun in Phoenix and someone was casting a lean shadow over me. It was my mother's murderer, and he was heading towards me with a bloody knife.

"Oh, poor sweet little Bella," he crooned.

That was when the screaming usually started. And then I would wake up, crying.

But it didn't happen this time. This time my dream lover had saved me.

"I'm here," he'd whispered, voice velvet soft, and he had kissed me on the forehead.

It had sounded and felt so real, but it was too good to be true. I was at the brink of waking, but I wanted to experience this feeling a bit more. I could smell the sweet scent that came off him, but realizing all this would have to end soon, I opened my eyes slowly. It _was_ Edward. Edward, leaning over my hospital bed. Edward, and his sweet scent that washed over me. He was the dream lover.

"I know," I replied, feeling a little giddy but my eyes fell close.

"Stay," my voice slurred.

"Okay." I felt his arms wrap around me and the weight of his body lying next to mine. He kissed my forehead again.

"Good night, Bella," his voice the most perfect one in the world.

I mumbled goodnight and fell back asleep, into the arms of Edward freaking Cullen.

**EPOV**

Fucking heaven was right in front of me. Her thick shiny brown curls spilled across my arms. She cuddled into me and my heart was beating so fast I was sure she would wake. But she didn't. Instead, she had a slight smile on her face as I brushed her hair from her face.

"Edward." She whispered and I grinned at her.

My phone rang but I was too lazy to answer it.

_What's up?_ I texted back to Carlisle.

_Almost nine. Come home. _

I groaned. I carefully lifted Bella off my shoulder and arm and grabbed my bag and left.

I drove home with Bella clouding my thoughts.

There was something I knew. And she instinctively knew too. The one thing I was certain about was that I was going to visit her everyday, and I was going to make her happy and help her eat. Bella would recover, and it would be because of me.

I was falling…and it fucking scared me.

Carlisle gave me a questioned look, observing the idiotic grin on my face but let it go.

I wasn't going to get anyone ruin my fucking mood.

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Lots of hugs and kisses for my two lovely betas** robbsweetangel **and **izzzyy **for all the help and advice they have given me. Thank you to all my readers and my reviewers.

Please review and let me know what you think of the story so far


	7. Complicated

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. **

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**Complicated**

'**The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next.'- ****Ursula K. LeGuin**

**BPOV**

I woke up in the morning with a slight smile on my face. I was feeling hopeful as things with Edward were evidently starting to get a little smoother, though complicated. I didn't know what I was to him but if there was one thing I knew, it was that being Edward's friend would make me want something more, something stronger.

Hospital life was okay, since I only had one more week at the most until I was cleared. Carlisle and Alice were overjoyed that I was going to be released before Charlie's funeral, even though it was going to be the day after my release. And I was too. Even though he wasn't much of a father to me, Edward had made me realize that I still had to pay my respects for him.

Routinely, Edward would routinely come in at four and bring me food. My appetite had increased and soon the packets of lollypops and slices of cake were replaced by casseroles and burgers. I had a stronger control over my body and the headaches I was getting were gradually becoming more bearable. After eating, Edward would join me on the bed and recall what happened at school so that I wouldn't fall too behind, and before I slept, he would hold me and hum me to sleep. It was a good thing he didn't spend the night with me, as I was worried that I would unconsciously say something discommodious or cringe-worthy. My dream lover had decided to materialize as a tall, lean, bronze-haired boy with a velvety voice, which mildly bothered me.

It was Friday again, and I had been reading through the Dante book Edward had given me rather than the one Alice had - which was some romantic shit I couldn't digest, to kill time. Only another five minutes and some fucking seconds left and Edward would be by my side.

Then suddenly the door flew open. Edward was standing in the doorway, wearing his usual plain white t-shirt and dark jeans His hair was wild and tangled from running and he was smiling at me like his cheeks would crack.

"Hi," I whispered softly and walked towards him. Thank God I persuaded Carlisle to take the IV out of me. Edward walked towards me slowly with a concerned expression on his face and, I was starting to get worried about what had happened. Before I could question him, he dropped his bag on the marble floor and leaned forward to hug me tightly. Hesitantly, I hugged him back, taking greedy gulps of his scent. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and squeezed me tighter.

"I missed the shit out of you," Edward mumbled.

I smiled and replied. "I missed the shit out of you, too."

He grinned, his green eyes meeting mine, and reached for his bag to produce two ham and cheese rolls and before handing one to me.

"I saved this from lunch," he said.

"No appetite?" I asked.

"Nope."

We sat together, cross-legged on the cold marble floor in silence until it became unbearable.

I tried breaking the ice first. "How's Jessica?"

Edward snorted into his roll and rolled his eyes. "She's not my girlfriend, Bella."

That surprised me. I raised my eyebrows. "Oh, really?"

He blew air out of his mouth before continuing. "Never wanted to say this, but she really isn't. I don't have a girlfriend."

"So that day…when you guys were…" I blushed having to say this out loud.

Edward sighed. "She's not what you think she is to me. I've been with girls, Bella. I won't deny that." He smiled apologetically. "Aren't you supposed to _love_ the person you're going out with?" He cocked his head to the side to see how I would answer.

I nodded. "I guess so."

"So, what? Are you going out with that sophomore from La Push?" he asked suddenly, changing the subject.

God, you've got to be kidding me. "No! What gave you that idea?" This was getting absurd.

His face was unreadable as he shrugged. "Just wondering."

**EPOV**

I felt like banging my head on the wall for asking her that fucking question, but the jealousy that was burning through me made that damn query roll off my tongue. Of course there was a possibility that she was dating him since whenever she wasn't spending time with Alice she was down there doing some shit. I couldn't believe how relieved I felt. So relieved felt I like lifting her off her feet and kissing her face until she laughed. But she wasn't mine. And fuck, did she even want to be?

I was starting to experiment with this new foreign feeling with Bella. Screw Jasper for pointing it out last night.

"_Edward, where the fuck were you?" Jasper asked, annoyed at the goofy grin on my face for some random fucking reason._

"_I was with Bella."_

_Jasper snickered. "What? Did she ask you out or something?"_

_I fucking gaped at him like an idiot. "What the fuck, Jazz?"_

_He snorted and leaned against the doorway. "You're in love with her, you motherfucking dick."_

_Holy shit. I wondered how the fuck he had managed to come up with that conclusion. I wasn't, was I? "__What the fuck are you talking about?" I had asked, frustrated. _

_His voice dripped with condescension. "I know you are. Why the fuck were you visiting her without even telling Carlisle or Alice? You used to hate her, Edward!"_

_No. That wasn't true. I had never hated her, had I? Maybe I was fucking lying to myself. I wanted to bang his head on my bedside drawer's edge. I was fuming and couldn't utter a single word so I just raised my eyebrows._

_Jazz shook his head and grinned cockily at me, stating simply. "You love her."_

_I started to rise from my bed, my chest heaving from the anger boiling deep inside of me. "And just exactly how many bottles have you had to drink, you bastard?"_

_He instantly became more serious and sighed. "It's the way you speak about her, you dumbass. And now that your fucked up brain knows the awful truth, I really do feel sorry for her."_

_I huffed and bit down all the hope__ that I'd secretly been holding on to, and watched him leave__. This thing with Bella was happening too fast. I needed to get a grip on reality before letting anything happen, at the very least._

The short, but significant conversation with Jazz had really cut me deep. What if it was true? And if it was, what was I supposed to fucking do? I had watched Jasper and Alice, Em and Rose, and Carlisle and Esme for so many years. They loved each other and it was always me, alone. I never dated, simply because I never had to. The girls were there so flowers and all that shit weren't needed. I wasn't even sure how to take the first step if what Jasper said was true. I tried picturing scenarios where I was asking Bella on a date, but even that thought sounded ridiculous. She would never want me, and just that notion made my heart sink a little.

_What a mess_, I thought to myself.

I looked at Bella, who was lying next to me, reading the Dante book I gave her. Even though I had a possibility of being in love with her, I decided to drop the matters until Bella was cleared from the hospital. Carlisle, Esme and Alice were overjoyed that Bella was going to be discharged in a few days' time but I wasn't going to roll out the red carpet like the rest would probably do. The day after would be Charlie's funeral, and even though it was snowing already. I had practically forced Bella to pay her respects. She'd been refusing to go, but I think I'd convinced her how important it was

Trying to gauge her reaction to me, I put my arms around her and pulled her into me and lether shiny hair spill onto my chest. She sighed then, and looked up at me. I grinned back, loving that I got this fucking sort of response from her. At least she didn't hate me. I inhaled and breathed in her strawberry scent discreetly in case she thought I was a pervert.

I yawned and wondered what time it was. Glancing up at the clock, I realized it was eight already. Time seemed to pass quickly when I was with Bella. Too quickly for my liking.

"Time for bed, Bella," I whispered, leaning into her ear. It was a bit too early for bed, but I wanted to share this moment with her, as I wouldn't be able even fucking see her that weekend. Fuck that.

She jumped and sighed. "Okay."

God, it was so fucking cute when she pouted.

She handed me her book, and I dropped it to the floor beside me and leaned forwards to slide the bed covers over us.

We lay together with our foreheads nearly touching, and the electric feeling between us was palpable.

"Goodnight, Edward," she breathed and her eyes fell closed.

God, she could be so fucking sexy with that breathy voice sometimes. I was starting to feel turned on, and I begged myself to think about something else, but nothing would come through; except for the fact that I was lying next to Bella in this fucked up position. Her lips pouted out and I wanted to press my fingers to the corners and gently kiss her softly. The fight inside of me was beginning to boil.

"Bella," I whispered, and her eyelids flew open.

"Yes?"

Oh God, that voice again. It was fucking driving me crazy. How the hell did she do that? Just one little word and the fight was over. I leaned in slowly and heard her gasp quietly. _Please, Bella. Please say that I'm doing this shit right because I'm so in love with you_. I touched my lips gently with hers until she responded. I kissed her softly as I curled my hands under her hair and pulled her face closer to mine. Our lips met for the second time and it was fiercer, with the electricity between us intensified at least five times. She must have felt it. I tried to hold off all the passion and only give her sweetness, but I was losing my mind.

I pulled away and looked at her. "Bella?"

Her gaze was down and I wondered what I had done wrong. "Are you okay?" I asked, my expression concerned, but my insides dancing with joy. Our first kiss had been amazing, and I wanted to thank the guy who was responsible for teaching her to kiss like this. After I punched him in the fucking face, of course.

She answered my question with a nod and pulling me close and sleep overtook her, leaving me not knowing what to do or how she felt.

Was she mad at me? I really hoped not. This was going to be the last time I saw her for two fucking days and I really wanted to say good bye to her properly, but I had missed my chance.

I realized with a glum feeling that I had messed up and should've asked Jazz or Emmett what was the right way to do _this_. Weren't you supposed to ask a girl out first, _then_ kiss her? And then after a few dates she would ask you to meet her parents and then you'd start hoping she'd let you in her pants. I was doing it all wrong and had messed up the one thing I had no trouble at all doing. _Fuck_.

Bella smiled in her sleep and it made my heart beat so fast I thought it would take off. I brushed her wild curls off her face and let her dream on.

Something from my bag beeped and I realized it was probably Carlisle calling me again. Shit.

With a resigned sigh, I pulled Bella's hand off my chest, grabbed my bag, and left the room, turning around one last time to see her face.

I answered my call from the parking lot. "Carlisle?"

"Um, Edward, where are you?"

Oh, fuck. I was doomed. "The hospital," I admitted and tried to sound nonchalant.

"You're not walking home, are you? It's still snowing. You didn't drive today because Rose told me she did."

Shit. Why didn't I think of that? But before I could answer, Carlisle spoke. "I'm coming to get you."

I sat down on the hospital step, freezing and waiting for Carlisle to pick me up. I hope I hadn't done the wrong things by keeping my visits to Bella a secret..

A black car came to a stop in front of me. It was Carlisle. Fuck. He drove too fast for me to sort out my thoughts.

"What are you doing, Edward?" he asked once we were both in the car.

I kept my gaze forward and turned the heater on. I didn't dare look my father in the eye in case he was disappointed in me or something.

"I was visiting Bella," I replied stiffly.

Carlisle glanced at me but didn't speak.

"I was trying to do the shit you were doing, you know." I defended. "Why?"

He sighed. "I'm glad to have you doing that, son. I thought you were somewhere else, you know. Drinking with your friends or something."

I breathed in, relieved. 'Sorry for not telling you.'

"It's fine." His eyes were unreadable.

I lay in bed running through the massive changes that had occurred today. It was hands down one of the best days of my life. I was happiest when Bella didn't punch me in the face and tell me to fuck off after kissing her without her permission.

My phone rang again. I groaned and got out of bed.

"Hello?" I answered, my voice irritated.

"Hey Edward!" Oh no. _Fuck_ no. It was Jessica. And I wasn't ready for this sort of conversation right now, or ever.

"Hi Jess. What d'you want?"

"I was just wondering where you went after school. Lauren said you weren't over at her place so I figured you would've gone to training with your brother, but he didn't answer the phone."

"Oh." That was the most innocent word I could muster up to tell her.

Her voice turned nosy. "So were you with him?"

I gripped my hair in frustration and groaned. "No, I wasn't. I really have to go now. Alice wants me."

I could feel Jessica pouting on the other side of the phone. "But I want to see you."

I laughed weakly. "Tomorrow then? I'm worn out."

She squealed happily. "Thanks, Edward!" And then the phone went dead.

Falling on to my bed, I covered my face with my pillow and made a mental note to ask Rosalie to cancel my plans with Jessica tomorrow.

What the fuck was I going to do now?

Carlisle had told me downstairs that since Bella was progressing so quickly, he'd let her out on Monday so Alice could arrange the funeral to be on Tuesday - the quicker, the better. I just nodded and ran upstairs, slamming my door in disgruntlement. That meant I had less time to figure out how to get rid of Jessica and Lauren and all those prissy bitches at school.

If I had told Jessica just then that I was with Bella, no doubt she would spread the news to the whole school and Bella would get hurt. I wouldn't want that to happen. Ever. Not to Bella. She was so vulnerable and loveable.

Jasper was right.

I was in love with her.

**BPOV**

Edward kissed me. Finally, a real living and breathing boy had kissed me. And it was Edward fucking Cullen. I had never imagined what my first kiss would be like, but for me it was magical, yet totally unexpected. I should've thanked him, but I had felt so tired that sleep just overtook me, my heart screaming _stay with me_. But of course he hadn't. I woke up the following day alone.

I really hoped I hadn't hurt his feelings.

It was the last day of the weekend and I was feeling more alone than ever. I was forced to eat the hospital food the nurse sent in every four hours, but I was more than being okay to eat it. Alice had come by yesterday to give me an extra blanket and told me that Carlisle agreed to let me out today. Charlie's funeral was to be the day after, on Tuesday. But I guess it was better to get it over and done with.

The door opened and Alice came in. My heart sank as I realized it wasn't Edward.

"Hi." I mustered the best smile I could give her.

"Hey Bella! I'm so glad you're going to come back home tomorrow. We're going to have a slumber party!" Alice squealed in delight, her eyes shining.

I beamed at her. She sure knew how to make me happy. "Thanks, Alice. Who else is coming?"

Alice sighed and pouted. "I really tried to get your friends to come around and I managed to get only two of them. Sorry."

Two more people? "Who?" I asked, my eyes wide.

"Jessica and Angela, of course." She rolled her eyes. "I thought you'd be glad I didn't ask Lauren."

Damn right I was glad. Jessica was coming? But Jessica… Did Edward know about this?

"Are you okay, Bella? Do you need water?" Alice eyed me cautiously.

I shook my head. "No, no. I'm fine. Just excited."

Alice grinned. "Thanks Bella!" She reached around to give me a hug.

I hugged her back. I hadn't seen her since a week from yesterday, and I had missed her terribly. I had just been too occupied with unexpected things to think about her.

_What a friend_, I thought to myself guiltily.

She turned around to leave but I didn't want her to yet.

"Alice?" I asked.

She turned around and looked at me with questioning eyes. "Yes?"

"Can you stay with me for a little while?" I requested tentatively. There was something I had to say to her. Just one more thing. Something that could cause quite a stir if I failed to articulate it properly.

Alice smiled widely. "Of course. I just thought that you wanted some peace and quiet."

I rolled my eyes. "I had too much peace and quiet in the past two days, Alice."

"Was there something you wanted to ask me?" she asked too innocently.

"How did you know?" It wasn't possible…unless Edward had told her about it.

"You aren't very difficult to read, you know."

I laughed, relieved. Either way, it wasn't going to make this much easier.

"Do you know where Edward has been after school every day?" It was the calmest way to start the conversation. _Alice, your beautiful brother kissed me on Friday _would've caused an explosion.

Alice looked confused at the turn of the topic. "No, why?"

"He came here, you know. Every single day of last week," I said quietly

"He _visits_ you?" Alice screeched. "Please tell me he didn't do anything bad to you."

I laughed reassuringly. "No, he doesn't do anything horrible. He brings me food." I continued.

"Really?" Oh fuck. Skeptic Alice was back.

"Yeah, he does." I stopped abruptly, not knowing what to say next.

"And the point of telling me this is?"

"He's great. You're lucky to have him as a brother." I pointed out to her and shrugged my shoulders.

"Apart from his being a dumbass sometimes," Alice giggled daintily.

That reminded me of something. "Alice, you know that day? You know," I took a deep breath and continued, "I accidently ran into your brother in his room and he was with Jessica. Has that happened before?"

Alice sighed. "Yeah. That's him. It's none of my business, but yeah, he shags practically every single girl you will ever meet in this town, and it's really, really gross."

My stomach sank. I knew it was going to be something like this. "Do you think he could ever change?"

"What? I don't think so, well, not until he found the right one that is." Alice shrugged miserably. "Why?"

I blushed and kept my head down. "Nothing. Just wondering how long I was going to be hanging around that jackass."

The door flew open with a bang and Edward came to a stop in front of us. "Who's a jackass?" he asked Alice in a deadly tone.

Alice and I gaped. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach about this, and I wondered how much of the conversation he had heard.

Alice shouted at him. "What the hell, Edward? What are you doing here?"

His eyes burned into mine and I felt traitor tears forming in my eyes. He ignored Alice and walked towards me, reaching out for me and I huddled into the corner, frightened of what he was going to do.

"Don't touch me," I gasped.

Alice glared at Edward, seething. "She told you not to touch her, you asshole! Leave us alone!"

Edward breathed in heavily and turned towards Alice. "I was just wondering what the fuck you were talking to Bella about. What, is it a secret?"

"What were you doing here?" Alice asked, her voice even.

"I wanted to see Bella again." He admitted and I felt terrible for him. He just wanted to see me. That was all.

"Don't hurt her!" Alice snarled.

Edward looked taken-aback. "What? I never did hurt her. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"It's fine, Alice." I defended Edward and wished more than ever that Alice would leave.

"I have to go now, Bella. And if that _dick_ ever touches you, I'll kill him." I flinched back from the acid in her tone and watched her leave.

What the hell had just happened? Why was Alice so upset about Edward being with me?

"Bella?" Edward said tentatively. "Are you okay?"

I nodded and stood up, watching him walk over to me. He crushed me to his chest and kissed my hair.

"Sorry I didn't visit you yesterday." His voice was muffled by my hair in his face.

"Sorry about Alice." He froze and I froze too. What did I say?

"Why doesn't she want you to visit me?" I asked.

Edward ran his hand through his tousled bronze hair and sighed. "She thinks I would treat you like the others."

_The others_, I thought. That must be his groupies he was referring to.

"But you're not."

He laughed and my loose hair behind my ear. "But she doesn't know that, does she?"

I sighed.

The door opened again and this time it was Emmett.

"Edward, Alice told me to tell you to stay away from Bella," He said stiffly, not in his usual joking mood.

Edward pulled me to his side and defended himself. "Why? I'm not doing anything wrong, am I?"

Emmett snorted. "No, but it's probably because she doesn't want to share her with you."

I stared back. So Alice was _jealous_?

He continued. "Carlisle told me to drive you back, so I'll wait for you back there. And you're going to come in less than five minutes or I'll be dragging your miserable ass into my car because I'm not going to wait for you. I'm starving."

Edward nodded.

Emmett chucked. "Hey, Bella. See you tomorrow!"

I smiled back. "Bye, Em."

We both waited until Emmett was out of sight, and then suddenly Edward crushed his mouth to mine and pushed me against the wall.

"Bella." His eyes were burning with intensity and there was something there that I wasn't sure I was meant to see.

"Edward?" My voice quivered with anxiety.

He opened his mouth once, then twice and then gave up and released me, finally looking away.

"What's wrong?" I asked, with a horrible feeling in my stomach.

"I'll tell you later." He refused to look in my eyes and excused himself quietly.

I was left standing alone, more confused than ever.

* * *

Thanks to all my readers and the people over at PTB.

Hugs and kisses to my two lovely betas**_ izzzyy_ **and **smexy4smarties **for helping once again.

Please review and tell me what you think of the story so far


	8. Wild Temptation

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended.**

**Please read a/n at the bottom.  
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**Wild Temptation**

'**The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.****'- Oscar Wilde**

**EPOV**

What the _fuck_ was Alice doing here with Bella?

I hadn't meant to lash out at them. I knew, in my insensitive heart, that Bella was frightened of me. Actually frightened. She was trembling and had cringed into the corner of the wall. Because of me. _Me. _

I knew I would screw this up. Alice had every right to keep me away from Bella and there was evidence already. I had left Bella alone and bewildered last night, but I needed to get away before I did something I would regret. I leaned back in the car, the leather seat sighing gently under me as I listened to Debussy, trying to hold it together. God, I had made a promise not to mash my lips with hers until she said she was mine. It was a hard promise to keep, but I wasn't about to give up Bella – not even by a long shot.

I wanted to tell Alice that I had changed. I wasn't the bastard I was a few weeks ago who would stick my cock in any girl's pussy as long as she was willing. I even _felt_ changed. But that wasn't going to make my life any easier. Bella was coming home today. I wasn't ready to face reality, or my family's scrutiny of my unsteady relationship with Bella.

My legs felt like lead as I made my way down the stairs. Alice was standing there but I wasn't ready for bitch fights. What the hell was wrong with me? Instead, I felt weak and nervous. I headed for the refrigerator and got out my flask of Johnnie Walker.

I saw Alice watch me gulp while I gulped it down.

"What the hell, Alice?"

Alice's eyes flashed dangerously. "What the hell, _what_? Dear brother, would you mind telling me why the _hell_ you visit my best friend without telling me?" she asked, poking her thin finger at my chest.

I snorted. It was the best way to keep me from spilling it all. "What, is it illegal?" I asked, my voice hard.

Alice kicked me in the shin. _Shit_. Even kicks from pixies hurt like hell. "Are you trying to be cool? What is your problem, brother?"

"She's your friend, so she's my friend, too. Nothing wrong with that, is there?" I taunted.

She raised her delicate eyebrows. "Oh, really? Your friend? Nothing more?"

I felt like the wind was completely knocked out of me. How did she know about this already? Alice already knew – some crazy psychic she was. I gave her the half truth. Yes, I was head over heels in love with her, but I didn't know how she felt. Yet.

"Nothing more." I replied, feeling suddenly ill. What if this wasn't what Bella wanted? Could I still be her friend, and not want more? I wasn't so sure about that.

Alice's face softened and she brushed my hair from my face. "Do you know what Bella said to me yesterday?"

Now this I was curious about. "What did she tell you?"

Alice sighed and plopped down onto the bar stool where I usually sat.

"She told me I was lucky to have you as a brother, and…" she paused, to gauge my reaction I assumed, but I couldn't care less.

Bella had said that? No one had ever praised me like that. She told me she thought I was a kind and caring person, but I denied it. I wasn't. Didn't she know the real me? The motherfucking idiot I had been? I thought she would see into me and understand my weaknesses, but she only saw what she wanted to see, and for the first time in my life, I felt speechless.

I kept my voice as even as I could. "Go on."

Alice groaned. "You are such a _dick_, Edward! She asked if you would change - _could_ change. She sounded hopeful, but I guess it was a hopeless question right, you prick?" Alice screamed at me with sarcasm.

I rubbed my neck and felt sick. So much for that dose of Johnnie Walker. Needing something stronger, I went back into the refrigerator and grabbed the Smirnoff and downed a massive gulp, hoping for numbness.

I was never much of a drinker, not in large amounts anyway, but in situations like this, nothing else but _booze_ was going to make me feel better.

I had no one to blame. No one to blame for kissing her. Or to even think about finally starting a healthy relationship with a girl. A girl I wanted. Really, truly wanted.

I rounded to Alice. "Anything else?" I asked coolly.

Alice looked at me with innocent eyes and flipped her hair. "Yes. You're coming with me to pick up Bella."

I shook my head, staring at the ground. _You asshole_, my brain screamed at me. But I had nothing to hurl back, so I hunched my shoulders and started to walk upstairs, feeling wasted.

"_Now_!" Alice screamed.

Okay. What the _fuck_? My usually girly half-sister must be on drugs. What was with her mood swings? _Unless she had PMS of course_, I thought darkly to myself.

"Now what?" I asked exasperatingly.

"Get into my car and shut your vulgar mouth until I tell you to speak."

I felt like I was behind the times. Since when were women the leaders of the world? Well, Alice felt like one. And that was ridiculous. She was just in a bad mood, I tried to reason.

The drive to the hospital was quiet. The snow had stopped but it was still freezing and wet. Alice tapped her foot impatiently and hummed some shit song that was on the radio.

Once the building was in sight, Alice stopped humming and nudged me. "Go get her."

"Why?" I asked, for the billionth time today.

"She needs you, Edward," she said softly and continued with a hard laugh. "And she'd much rather you than me now. _Go_."

So Alice was what? Jealous? I huffed. "Fine."

I slammed the door car and headed to Bella's room, contemplating her response. Would she be upset that I was the one who came to collect her? Yesterday's events were beginning to take place in my head again. God, I felt like such a jackass.

I peeked through the window of her room before opening her ward door. She sat there on the bed, looking down at the fucking book I had bought her, while twirling a piece of her soft, silky hair.

"Bella?" I felt nervous and agitated and wished I had brought my flask along.

She looked up at me with tear-streaked eyes. "Yeah?" She croaked. Oh shit. She sounded like she had been crying for the whole night too, and it was entirely my fault.

I walked towards her and leaned down. "Are you okay?" _What a stupid question_, I thought humorlessly to myself. Of course she wasn't. She nodded but kept silent.

"You're going back home with Alice now," I told her gently. "And things will be back to normal."

Bella shuddered and touched my face tenderly. "When you say normal, do you mean,' she gulped, '_you_ will go back to normal?" she finished tentatively.

I smiled and shook my head. "No, Bella. That's the one exception. Let's go."

Taking a deep breath, I stood up and held out my hand. She looked at it for a long moment before placing her hand in mine with uncertainty. I squeezed her hand tightly with reassurance and smiled gently.

"Anything else you want to ask?" She still had her eyes down, and it made me feel pathetic. Fucking pathetic.

She looked down at our hands intertwined together and was gnawing at her bottom lip. What could make her that fucking nervous?

"Do you regret it?" she asked brokenly, so softly it was almost a whisper.

I didn't have to ask to understand what she was saying. But that question made me feel as if I had been hit in stomach by a ton of bricks.

When I finally found my voice, I lifted her chin so that she could hopefully see the sincerity in my eyes. "I don't regret it. It's the only thing that I've ever done to you that I didn't regret."

Bella nodded and said no more but I lent her my jacket so she wouldn't be cold.

I felt like punching Alice in the face on the drive home. If she wasn't as tiny as a fucking pixie, I would've done it already. She smirked at me and glanced between Bella and me several times.

I looked back to roll my eyes at Bella and she smiled vaguely back. My heart skipped a beat.

"We're having Indian take-out tonight,' Alice said gleefully. 'Won't that be a nice change from all the hospital food, Bella?"

I looked back and saw Bella shrugged. "Whatever works. At least I have my appetite back." She joked.

Alice laughed, too. I glowered at her.

"I missed you, Bella. And we're having a sleepover in my room tonight!"

The two girls squealed in delight. Man, did I hate this shit Alice always had to pull. It made me feel fucking sick. I refused to think about Bella sleeping in the room two doors down from mine, but I felt defeated in frustration for the first time in my life. I pinched my nose with my fingers and sighed. Bella wasn't mine. She deserved better, _much _better than everything I could ever offer her. I wanted to hold her while she slept. I could only imagine how lonely I would be tonight.

When Alice stopped the car, I opened the door for Bella and she mumbled a quiet thank you, only for me to hear. I hid my smile.

Alice saw and poked her tongue out at me. "She's with me tonight." She sneered.

'Whatever. I'm not going to fuck her, you know that.' I replied, hoping Bella wouldn't hear.

Alice snorted. 'I hope not, dear brother. But it's your nature.'

_Was_, I corrected her mentally, but I let it go. She would see that change in me soon.

After dinner, Alice started to move Bella's stuff into her room while we sat down on Bella's bed and watched. I couldn't believe Alice had this fiery side of her. It was hilarious. I would tease her about being too perfect and she would get mad and storm off into her room and slam her door. Yeah. It was fucking amusing. Even Jasper told her to stop the commotion.

I smirked and Bella raised her eyebrows at me.

"What?" I asked, still laughing.

"You really find that funny?" She asked, amused too.

I put my arm around her. "I've never done this to her before," I told her.

**BPOV**

I felt guilty for thinking it was funny when Edward pissed Alice off but it really was something. I hope she wouldn't get angry at me for siding with Edward. Not this time anyway.

As Alice was taking a shower, I felt Edward tucking the locks of my stray strands of hair behind my ear and it made me shiver. I hoped he wouldn't realize it but when I saw his smirk, I felt myself blush furiously and I let my hair fall onto my face again.

Don't do that, because then I won't be able to kiss you," he whispered.

He leaned his face towards mine for the second time and pressed his lips against mine, molding into mine again and I felt his hand cradling the left side of my face.

"Welcome home," he said, with his eyes a warm green, yet nevertheless burning into mine.

"Thank you."

He hugged me and kissed my cheek and we fell back onto my bed, laughing.

"Don't tell Alice about this." I warned him, as a teasing smile tugged playfully across his lips.

"Okay. Promise."

**EPOV**

The night was peaceful and quiet, and Emmett wasn't snoring, but my thoughts kept drifting to Bella and forced me to stay awake. She was sleeping just two doors down from my room, in Alice's. Weren't you supposed to stay up all night when you had a sleepover? For that, I had no idea but I had a nagging feeling they _were_ awake, whispering and giggling about some random shit girls always did. Even in class.

I sighed and reached for my phone to check what time it was now. Fuck. It was one in the morning and I suddenly remembered that Charlie's funeral would be today, I had to attend. All of us did. But at least it was better than school. I made a mental note to thank Carlisle for letting us off for two days in a row.

I wanted Bella to sleep with me, not with Alice. I wanted to feel her soft, silky hair spread across my chest and wished I could hear her say my name, just like she did a few nights ago, in the hospital. I felt myself get hard again and groaned. She was beautiful and sexy, and I kept comparing her to the other girls I had fucked. I wanted her to say my name, _scream_ my name while fucking her. I knew I could. Judging from Alice's clairvoyance, I was pretty sure I wasn't the only person who knew that.

Fuck, I wanted her badly, but I knew I couldn't do anything about it. If she was going to be my girl someday, I couldn't let my lust for her take over my heart.

I had to keep it simple, for her. For my girl.

**BPOV**

I woke up in the morning breathing in Alice's perfume. God, it made me sneeze. At least she didn't make me use her furry pink blanket last night.

I was waiting for Alice to come back from the bathroom so I could use it.

"Bella!" Alice called. "Get dressed in nice clothes. Charlie's funeral, remember?"

Oh shit. I forgot.

I groaned and got out of bed and headed into my room. There was nothing in my closet that I thought was appropriate for a funeral. Weren't you supposed to wear black over it anyway? What difference did it make? But I guessed Alice just meant not jeans and sneakers.

It was still snowing a little, so I wore a long sleeved t-shirt with a thick jacket and black pants.

We had to take Emmett's Jeep as the road was slippery and we couldn't all fit into Edward or Alice's car. I felt jittery and a little nervous, and I hoped that I would not cry.

The service was in a Lutheran church and was long and tedious. I met some relatives of mine I had never met since Charlie had never introduced them to me. There were many of my cousins, aunts, and uncles. I had no idea I had so many.

Edward was standing next to me and holding my hand.

"Are you okay?" he whispered quietly and inconspicuously.

I nodded and realized I really had tears in my eyes.

The priest was giving the blessing now and after would be the recessional. And that would be the end of it.

I rushed out the moment the orchestra put down their instruments. I really couldn't stand it if everyone told me how sorry they were for my loss because it would be bullshit. No one had an idea how I felt and it was utterly unfair for this to happen to me.

"Bella!" I heard Edward run after me but I ignored him. I needed peace and quiet. I walked over to Charlie's tombstone and started to cry openly.

I felt Edward's arms around me, and it was comforting but I struggled against him and he let go.

_Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. __  
__23rd Psalm_

I bent down and fingered the carving of my father's epitaph. I hadn't chosen it, and I didn't know who had.. But it fit, and for that, I was glad. Charlie had told me he was a Christian, but he never went to church, unless it was Christmas or Easter.

There was a small memorial statue next to his grave, which I assumed was donated by the Forks Police Station.

_In Memoriam,_

_Charlie Swan, Chief of Police_

It was kind of them to do that, I decided, but I suddenly wished I had taken more of a part in the service. I should've written a speech or something, but I didn't. Some daughter I was.

I heard Edward's foot steps and I ran into his open arms.

"Bella?" he asked, concerned.

"I'm fine," I said, trying to control my tears.

His fingers wiped the wet trails of my tears away from my face and I sighed, relieved.

"Let's get you inside, you must be freezing."

I shook my head. "I want to stay here.' I said, 'For a while."

"Can I stay here with you?" he asked hopefully.

"Yeah, sure."

He smiled solemnly and looked at me from the corner of his eye. "You're not the first person to experience this kind of thing, Bella."

I nodded, but didn't understand.

"I don't have parents, either. Carlisle adopted me when I was nine."

"You're _adopted_?" I couldn't believe my ears.

Edward smiled wistfully at my father's empty grave and nodded. "I am. But Carlisle's the best thing I could ever imagine for a father."

I understood this. "Esme, too." I added.

"Esme, too," he agreed and he kissed my face. I didn't pull away and I was glad to have a thick jacket on. My heart was beating hard and fast.

Edward and I watched as my father's coffin was loaded into the hole in the ground. I gave my last farewell and walked away.

The rest of the day was quiet and I was thankful for that, everyone, including Edward, gave me space. They would only talk to me if lunch or dinner was ready. Alice was in her room and I could hear her singing to herself. And Edward…well I didn't know where he was but it didn't seem like he was home.

The following morning I got up extra early to pack my school bag, as I was weeks behind everyone. I walked to school in the freezing early mist and headed into the empty classroom, flipping through the pages of the English textbook. I had no idea where we were up to, but if the class had started reading Chaucer, then I was okay. I just hoped we wouldn't be studying poetry. I was hopeless at it.

Everyone greeted me and welcomed me back, even Jessica. I was still a little confused about her and Edward, but I had too much on my mind to bother to find out about it. It was none of my business, after all.

As I was walking towards the sciences wing, my eyes were instinctively drawn to a bronze haired boy. I realized with a sickening feeling in my stomach that Edward was hugging Jessica. I ran past them and hoped they wouldn't notice. As I sat down with my jumbled thoughts, I realized they looked perfect together. The most beautiful boy in school, with a pretty blonde girl whose legs went on for miles.

**EPOV**

I found Jessica standing near her locker.

"I finished the assignment," I announced to her proudly.

Her eyes widened. "Really? Thanks."

She hugged me and I didn't push her away. It was just friendship for me anyway, but a shiny color of mahogany caught my eye and I looked up and saw Bella running to her next class. The one class she had with me. Fuck.

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Important Notice: The title of the story will be changing soon. The plot will not be affected but In Memoriam sounded too pathetic.

Again, a big thank you to my two betas_ izzzyy and milehighhopes _and to all the readers and reviewers.

I'm still not sure how long this story will be, but it won't be ending any time soon.

Next update will be sometime next week or so. Reality will be tough so there might be a delay.

Please review and tell me what you think of this story, and whether or not I should continue with this.

Thanks

Freezegirl8000 x


	9. Heartbreak and Healing

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Heartbreak and Healing**

**T****here is no remedy for love but to love more. - Henry David Thoreau**

**EPOV**

Bella didn't speak to me as we entered class except for the quiet mumbling of thanks when I pulled her chair out for her. Her face was stony as I tried to come up with something to say that would make her ease up and laugh, but she kept her distance and looked away and I kept my head down, losing the battle. I felt foolish and perverted for staring at her every few minutes but I didn't fucking care. I didn't want to lose my girl.

Then Mr Banner turned off the lights and there was nothing in the whole world except for Bella and me in the dark. I tried shifting my seat closer to her without making the awful scraping sound so that she could feel the crazy electricity humming between us, and succeeded. The darkness of the room seemed to intensify the tension and she finally turned to look at me with her eyes wide, lashes ridiculously long.

Her bottom lip trembled and she looked like she was going to cry. She looked so vulnerable and fragile and I suddenly wanted to put my arms around her and hold her, making her strong again. But I couldn't.

I wasn't paying any attention to the video we were supposed to be watching, and neither was Bella. She was looking at me and her lips parted slightly, and God, she had no idea how seductive that was. I felt myself getting hard again. Fuck.

I wanted to reach out for her hand and hold it tightly, as a way of showing her I wanted her, but she suddenly shook her hair loose and hid from me again.

"No. Don't," I whispered and reached a hand over to tuck the errant locks behind her ear.

She turned towards the television screen and I could see she was smiling brilliantly, and it was so real my heart began to thud loudly.

The electricity was so concentrated and vibrant I felt like we were going to burst into flames, becoming a beacon in the dark

I looked away and tried focusing on the small television screen but by the end of the lesson, I had still no idea what the movie was about.

The bell rang, bringing me back down to reality, and Mr Banner flicked on the lights, but Bella was already gone.

Instead of going to find her, I didn't move from my desk and sat there like an idiot, trying to get my brain to function.

Staggering out of my seat, I made my way to the cafeteria, lost in my thoughts. I had no idea how to face Bella. I didn't blame her for getting annoyed after seeing me embrace another girl but I had to make this right. I _needed_ to make this right.

Bella was sitting with Alice and my siblings, looking deeply engaged in a conversation. I rushed towards them without grabbing my lunch, as I wouldn't have appetite until this load of shit was over.

I smiled at Bella and she smiled back, but she kept her distance and my heart started to crack.

I felt like a fool, not knowing how to explain not knowing how to explain what had happened, and I felt ashamed of myself. What was I - fourteen?

"Bella?"

Her eyes snapped over to mine and she started to panic. "Yes?" she croaked.

I tried keeping my voice even. "Can I talk to you?"

She grabbed her book bag and followed me outside into the cold.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I stared. What the fuck? _I_ was the one who was supposed to ask that. Not her. But I nodded nevertheless.

"I'm sorry," she rushed on, the words tumbling from her lips as though she had been bursting to say this. "I'm sorry for letting myself get caught up with you and Jessica. I won't bother you any longer. I'm sorry," she apologized again.

_What the hell was she talking about?_ I stared at her, feeling as stupid as I did during Chemistry.

"Goddamit, Bella! I don't want any alone time." How could she think so little of my feelings for her? "I want to be with _you_."

She nodded but still kept a distance from me. What on Earth had Alice told her?

"Why are you doing this?" I asked her brokenly. I didn't want to lose her. And I was trying, but not trying hard enough it seemed. I wanted to reach out to touch her face, to comfort her like I did before this shit happened, but I was suddenly scared that she would run away from me. And never come back.

Her eyes flashed with alarm but the cool mask I hated remained. "Why am I doing what?"

I felt anger at her ignorance. This was hurting me, too. "Why aren't you talking to me? Why are you keeping a distance?"

"I thought you would want some peace."

"I have too much of that, Bella!" God, why couldn't things be like yesterday? When things between us were cool and sweet?

"God, Bella! Don't stay away from me. I need you," I admitted, feeling pathetic and small.

She smiled bitterly at me. "No, you don't. You have Jess."

"No, Bella," I said to her firmly. "I don't have Jessica. I _don't_ want Jessica. I'm interested in someone who is smart, sweet and caring. Someone who will be willing to show her true feelings to me."

"Oh," she paled and I realized with a sickening jolt that she thought I was in love with someone else. She closed her eyes for a second. "Okay, that's fine." Her voice sounded distant and I tried not to growl in frustration. Why were these things so difficult to admit?

I tried once more. "Bella, pl—"

But she rushed away before I could say anything else. _Fuck_. I rubbed the back of my neck and glared at her, wondering how to make this right again. She went back into the cafeteria and slid on the surface Mike just spilt his drink on.

I rushed inside to help but she noticed me and was on her feet and running away before I could hold out my hand for her to take.

The bell rang for the next class, and I just stood in the empty cafeteria, feeling empty and like the biggest asshole on Earth.

The rest of the day went by quickly. I paid no attention to any of the teachers. I didn't even realize what we were supposed to do for homework. All I did was write a note to Bella. And fuck, was it complicated. It took all my brainpower to write this, and I hoped, for the first time, she would stop and listen to my heart pouring out to her. It was the least she could do. The rest would be up to her.

_Dear Bella_

_I realize I may have done many things in the past that have hurt you deeply and made you shed tears, but I want to sincerely apologize. __I know it's not that simple because__ I know, with all my heart, that one 'sorry' would not suffice for the damage I caused you, physically or mentally. _

_Today I tried to tell you, and I wish you'd listened__. What I am saying is that I want to be with you, and this time it's my heart I'm following. I'm done with all the bullshit. I want us to move forward so I can see what needs to be done to make you happy._

_I have said all this; now the rest is up to you. My heart is in your hands._

_Love, Edward_

I was never the type to write love-sick notes to people, and probably had never written a letter to anyone in my life before, but it was fucking necessary. If I told Emmett about my situation, he would tell me to stay the fuck away from her. If I told Alice, she would've punched me in the face and tell me I was a pile of shit. But if they did that, they were right. No one ever expected me to open my heart out and tell the complete truth. Everyone knew I would always hide something. Something that was either small or too big to think about.

As soon as we were let out of class, I rushed to my car and went home alone. I was going to slide my letter under Bella's duvet cover, which I hoped she would read before she went to sleep.

The rest of my siblings, along with Bella, would take longer to get back, and I felt a little guilty for not telling them I was leaving early, but at least they had Jasper's car.

Carlisle was still at work but I heard Esme in the kitchen cooking dinner. I made my way quietly to the stairs so she wouldn't notice.

Bella's bedroom, I realized, was plain - empty. There were no decorations, no pictures of family or boys she had dated, no nothing. It was a far cry from what I would've expected. Her bed sheets, unlike ours, were plain white. So fucking ordinary I would've thought this was the guest room.

I slid the note under her covers and left, hoping with all my might she would understand.

**BPOV**

I ran away before he could humiliate me anymore. I _had_ to run away. I had no idea why he was doing this - why it was so hard to say what he wanted to say. All he had to do was speak. But he didn't and I willed myself to give him another chance.

There was no way I could face Edward now. My brain felt numb and everything seemed dream-like. I felt over-emotional and I had no idea what to do.

I had no idea what we were doing in English, as my mind was filled with Edward. I couldn't understand his response. He was in love with someone, I told myself firmly. Someone who was probably ten times prettier than Jessica. But the fact that I was falling for him was irrevocable. It couldn't be helped.

The bell finally rang for the last time that miserable day and I wandered to Alice's classroom.

"Alice?" I called across the sea of students.

"Coming!"

We got to the parking lot together with Em and Jazz.

"I'm going to fucking _kill_ him!" I heard Emmett thunder.

I looked questioning at him and Jazz pointed to the empty space where Edward parks his car.

"So we're taking Jazz's car home?" I asked.

"Yeah." Emmett huffed.

It was cold and the snow was disappearing slowly.

_He must be upset about something_, I told myself. Surely Edward wasn't the sort of person who would do something without telling others, surely.

Emmett, Jasper, Rose, and Alice wanted to stop at the nearby coffee shop to warm up so I walked home alone, kicking at the fallen branches of trees.

"Bella?" Esme called when I got home.

"Hello Esme."

"Where are the others?" she asked.

I shrugged. "They wanted to get coffee at the shop down the road."

Esme smiled warmly at me. "You didn't want to join them?"

"I'm a little tired." I excused myself.

I ran up the stairs feeling extremely drowsy. I didn't want to shower so I pulled open the covers and was about to lie down before I spotted a little note that was innocently placed there.

I flipped open the note and began to read.

* * *

My eyes started tearing up and I heard footsteps. I realized with a sudden jolt that Edward had read that aloud from behind my back.

He looked awful. His hair was all over the place and he had dark circles under his eyes - something I hadn't realized before.

"Edward?" I managed to choke out.

He didn't say anything, but took my head in his hands and brushed away my tears with his thumb.

"Are you okay?" He asked, concerned.

I nodded and struggled to look down but his hands tightened and tears clouded my vision again.

"Promise me," he muttered, his eyes staring intently into mine.

"What?"

"Don't let them make you stay away from me."

I nodded. I was sure by _them_ he meant Alice.

"I promise," I told him.

As soon we heard Alice coming up the stairs, he kissed my forehead and left me alone, but this time I didn't feel confused. He had said what he meant to say. We could be friends with benefits or nothing at all. That was the ultimatum.

Alice peeked into my room. "Bowling on Saturday?"

I nodded and smiled. "Okay."

"Why are you crying?" _Shit_.

"Poked myself in the eyes with a coat hanger."

Alice laughed. "Be careful!"

I sighed when she left and lay down on my bed, thinking hard, but as soon as my eyes closed, sleep overtook me.

I woke before the others did but since there was no homework, I left for school early, grabbing a muesli bar on the way out.

I wrenched open the door and was surprised to see someone waiting for me.

"Bella!" It was Angela.

"Hey Angela."

I felt a little stunned when she ran over and hugged me tightly.

"I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

I loved Angela. She was a good friend, and so was her boyfriend, Ben. I used to hang out with them a lot until I met Alice.

On Friday, Alice was jittery and cheery all through the day.

"Is Edward coming?" I asked innocently.

"Coming where?"

"Bowling tomorrow."

Alice scowled. "Yeah, because Emmett invited him."

That was a relief. Edward and I hadn't spoken to each other since Wednesday, the day he had written the note to me. I didn't know who was avoiding whom, but it seemed it was only because I was too busy with catching up with school work.

The bowling alley was packed with people but Alice had booked and reserved seats and it saved us all from waiting in line.

Edward did indeed come along with us. He wore a white shirt with a leather jacket. The whole night was fantastic and enjoyable, but what pissed me off was the crooked smile he wore for the whole night. Every time I looked at him, he was looking back. My breath would hitch and my heart would stutter. His smile made my stomach tighten and tingles run through me. I had to remind myself to breathe.

It was my turn to bowl and Edward and I were leading the score. He stood there next to me to watch.

"Thanks for the nice evening." He looked at me and grinned.

I smiled and bowled.

The rest of the night went like that. Whenever I would bowl, he would stand next to me and we would start talking.

The rest were too busy listening and laughing at Emmett's jokes to notice us.

I got a strike and everyone cheered.

Edward hugged me and nuzzled his head in my hair.

"Congratulations," he said when he pulled away, his liquid green eyes sincere.

I grinned. "Thanks."

More than once, I caught myself staring at his ass when it was his turn. At one point, he turned around and caught me, grinning wickedly. I blushed furiously and huddled next to Alice to watch him at a safer distance.

By the end of the third game, only Emmett, Rose and Jasper wanted to continue. The rest of us had had enough.

"I want to go home, Jazz!" Alice whined.

Jasper shook his head and grinned. "No way!"

"I'll take them home then," Edward said quickly, looking at us shrugging at Jasper's bemused expression. "I have to study for my exams next week."

Alice's eyes brightened up. "That's an excellent idea. See you guys later!"

The afternoon was quiet and non-productive. Alice was rearranging her room and Edward was studying for Chemistry, just like me. After an hour of listening to Alice humming and decorating my room while asking for my suggestions, I decided to take my books and ask Edward if he would like to study together.

I knocked the door quietly before entering. "Edward?"

"Yeah?" he replied.

"Can we study together? Alice is really noisy," I asked my feet.

"Sure."

I felt relieved and looked at him. He was grinning like he meant it; even I had to crack a smile.

His desk was big enough for both of us but we didn't speak to each other at all unless I had a problem with a question. I caught him staring at me a few times; it made me blush and left me unable to think clearly. Sitting next to him in close proximity made my mind go blank often, and I couldn't help glancing his way every few minutes.

I yawned unintentionally and realized it was already past midnight. "Wow. It's late."

Edward chuckled. "I know. You just seemed really focused and I didn't want to interrupt."

"So they're back now?"

Edward nodded. "Emmett, Jasper and Rose came back an hour ago but Alice was already asleep, or pretending to be. If I heard correctly, I'm pretty sure Alice and Jasper are doing their business right now in their room." There was no mistaking the evil glint in his eyes. It made me feel penetrated and boneless. And sure enough, a moan floated from across the hall and I giggled.

"Nice," I laughed openly.

Edward laughed too.

I was too tired to move and soon, my eyelids started to droop without my permission.

"Bella?" he asked.

I fluttered my eyes open in shock.

"Oh! Sorry," I mumbled in embarrassment and stood up to grab my things.

"Bella?" Edward asked again, this time closer to my face.

"Yeah?" My heart was beating erratically and I was sure he could hear it.

"Stay with me," he said.

I answered by pressing my lips to his and the electricity sparked between us again, making me more alert. He crushed his lips to mine and our tongues touched for the first time. I moaned at the contact and he brought his arms around me, pulling me closer to his body so that I could feel his erection poking me below my stomach. He lifted me to his bed and our bodies molded together as our lips parted. I whimpered as I tasted him, tasting his delicious scent that was all…him.

"You're tired," he whispered against my lips.

"I know," I sighed.

He struggled to keep his eyes opened. "Stay." His voice was slurred.

I snuggled into the comfort of his arms to show him my answer. It was heaven, his arms wrapped around me, and our legs intertwined; it felt entirely too good to be true. But he held me, and I dreamed on.

* * *

Stay with me...the story's no where near finished!

A massive thank you to** izzzyy** and **batgirl8968** for helping me with this chapter.

Please review and tell me what you think, and whether or not you think I should continue with this.

xx


	10. New Light

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended.**

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**New Light**

'**There are two kinds of light-the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.'- James Thurber**

**BPOV**

My dream lover held me last night, as he did the other nights, but this time it felt real, so real that I could smell him and could _feel_ him –

I gasped and my eyes flew open in shock.

I looked down to see Edward's arm wrapped around my chest and the intimacy of this frightened me - he _clung_ to me. I gently moved his arm away and leaned in to kiss his forehead before getting out of his bed.

It was only seven o'clock so everybody was probably still sleeping. Alice would probably want to go to somewhere ridiculous like Seattle to celebrate my recovery, but I wasn't going to burst anyone's bubble today. I felt happy for some unknown reason, and started humming while wiping the dust off the window sill.

"Looks like someone is a morning person."

I jumped in surprise at the sound of that velvety voice. "Edward?"

He smiled crookedly and ruffled his bronze hair with his large hand. "Good morning."

I grinned and went over to hug him, taking in his delicious scent. "Mmmm…it was a really nice morning."

Edward chuckled and hugged me back tightly. "It sure was."

"What are we doing today?" My voice was muffled by his shirt.

"I think Alice mentioned that we're going to have a party here tonight."

My voice was curious. "With who?"

"Everyone's invited." His voice was terse and his body tensed.

I knew in that moment that "everyone" meant my friends, Alice's friends, and probably the majority of Edward's groupies. _Oh crap._

I shrugged to let him know I was fine with that. "Okay."

"It's not really _okay,_ Bella." He removed his arms from me and held my face in his hands instead. "We're all going to get high and drunk tonight," he admitted.

Having a police chief as my father, I'd never had alcohol in my life. Hell, I hadn't even tried Red Bull or any of those other energy drinks. What surprised me is that the thought of drinking didn't scare me.

"Just have fun, and enjoy. Okay? And if you're not well, just tell me or Alice," he told me before I could speak.

I nodded and he leaned in to kiss me briefly on my lips.

"Thank you, Bella." He looked so relieved that I began to laugh.

The rest of the morning passed in a blur after Alice woke up. We all cleaned our rooms and tidied the living room for our guests despite Emmett's moaning.

"What the fuck Alice?" Emmett complained. "It's not like people are going into our rooms, right?"

I giggled. The way he said it sounded suggestive and Edward shot a peculiar glance at me. I blushed and looked away, unable to keep my mind coherent.

I ate lunch in Alice's bedroom, where she was on full steam about what was yet to be done. Em and Jazz had left to stock up on more beer and Edward was looking for CDs to play at the party.

"What are you wearing tonight?" Alice asked, eying me suspiciously.

_Shit_. "I don't know," I answered truthfully and she was not pleased.

"Oh, _c'mon_! You're supposed to tell me that _ages_ before now. It's really important!" She fussed.

I rolled my eyes. "Sure it is, Alice."

She groaned and stomped into my room to raid my closet. I wondered what she would find there. There were no dresses, no skirts, no pink clothing, and no slutty outfits.

"Where's the dress I gave you on Tuesday?" Alice asked.

I shrugged and answered back exasperatedly. Really, was this _that _important? "Forget it, Alice! I'm not going to wear what you think I'll wear."

Her eyes flashed and she began to drag me out of my room. "Yes, you _will_. We're going shopping now."

I groaned in surrender. This was going to be hell.

We spent over half an hour at each shop. Alice was concentrating on what looked good on me but I didn't care. For me, it was like the dress up games I played in my mother's wardrobe when I was young.

"Those jeans are shorter than my panties!" I complained.

"Just wear them, Bella!" Alice sighed.

Oh, God. This was impossible. "Are you trying to dress me up like a slut?"

"You don't even know what that even _is_," Alice teased me.

I growled at her, but Alice shot me a glance that made me do as I was told.

All this frenzy made me end up with only a white singlet, a leather jacket, and a pair of black shorts. I comforted myself with the fact that Alice was going to wear the same thing. We were going to look like twins.

"Edward will freak out." Alice giggled.

I was cautious with what I said next; I still wasn't sure how Alice felt about me being with Edward. I still wasn't sure how Alice felt about me and Edward being together. "I thought you didn't like him."

Alice sighed. "I didn't, but I could see that he was just a douche that wanted to bang you. I'm sorry I can't protect you from that."

I felt my stomach fizz. What a strange reaction. "Right." That was all I could manage.

"Don't you want him, Bella?" Alice taunted, in a friendly way.

I snorted. "What? Like I want to fuck him hard against my bedroom door? No."

Alice grinned with a teasing glint in her eye. "We'll see."

But I thought I saw something in her facial expression that she didn't want me to see and I suddenly felt uneasy.

The guests started arriving at six and before long the house was becoming crowded. Alice started the music and soon bodies began moving to the dance floor. I could see from above that a lot of people were getting drunk and losing their balance. Thank God there wasn't school tomorrow.

Alice called me downstairs and I went, because at least Jessica wasn't dancing with Edward. I wonder what had happened between them.

We toasted and I downed my shot in one gulp, pinching my nose together and making a face. I still wasn't used to the traditional party crap Alice pulled.

My eyes scanned for Edward in the mass of crowd and just as I was about to ask Alice, I felt a warm hand on my hips. Alice rolled her eyes.

"Let's go upstairs," Edward whispered in my ear.

"What?"

"Just come with me."

"Do it _justice_, little bro!" Emmett yelled over the loud music at Edward, while accidentally tipping his blue-colored tequila on Alice's shorts.

I blushed a deep crimson, shooting Edward a confused look.

"Emmett!" Alice complained, slapping his shoulder with a loud _smack_.

Edward shook his head, ignoring the question written all over my face and took my hand, pulling me upstairs. He was tense and moving too quickly, but I felt excited by the electricity that was coursing through our bodies. His other hand was placed at the small of my back, urging me to go with him.

It confused me when he dragged me into the bathroom with him.

Pushing me into the bathroom door, he asked, "Are you enjoying tonight?"

I nodded, unable to speak. His eyes were burning with thirst and with intensity that I was sure would set me on fire.

"Good." He licked my upper lip before letting his tongue slide into my mouth, all warm and soft.

I moaned at the loss as he pulled away. He knelt in front of me and gently caressed my thigh with his hand. One hand slid over my knee to the curve of my thigh and the other hand moved upward and opened my legs wider.

I gasped as he moved closer to me, his face almost touching me. I was already wet with anticipation. His fingers pulled down my panties and finally found my clit. A spark of electricity shocked me, but he disregarded it and pushed one finger into my pussy.

"God, you feel so good," he groaned.

I moaned and squirmed against the door, and he drew his finger out and his hands moved to my hips. He looked up at me questioning, as though asking me for permission.

"Please," I breathed.

He returned to kissing his way up my inner thigh. He used his hands to slowly spread my legs apart and my breathing was as ragged as his. His tongue moved from my thigh and continued downward, circling over my pelvis, teasing and taunting me before dipping downward to taste my pussy.

My head fell back onto the door and I moaned louder than before as he began to fuck me with his tongue. His finger was at my clit, applying pressure to increase the sensation. His tongue darted in and out, and he would occasionally let out an "mmmm" vibrating against me.

My body began to shake and I gripped his hair tightly. He took that as his cue to increase his rhythm, and as though he could hear my thoughts, he lifted his lustful eyes to mine and sent my body erupting in the most mind-blowing orgasm ever.

He stood up and realized he was panting, as was I. He crushed his mouth to mine, and I tasted myself on his tongue for the first time. His body was in line with mine, and I could feel his erection poking me where I wanted it to be. I ground my hips against his as our tongues swirled together.

"Bedroom?" he breathed.

I nodded and something unfamiliar coursed through my entire body, almost making me quiver.

He took my hand, leading the way. There was subtle music playing in the background, but it was so soft I could hear the click of the door as he locked it behind him.

There was no light in his room. My eyes adjusted to the dark and I found Edward already situated on the bed, waiting for me. I pulled my singlet over my head and dropped it to the floor and crawled into his bed. My hands found his chest and I pressed tighter to his body. I slid my hands under his shirt to his muscular chest. I felt shy and overwhelmed by his masculinity, and of his experience as a man. He was not just a beautiful boy; he was a beautiful man, which made me feel like an animal, wild and uncaged. Unleashed at last.

I pressed my palm to the steel in his jeans and I worked his jeans while he messed with my hair. I slid down his pants and dumped them to the floor and he was finally free. Free in my hand.

It was dark and the only light was emitted from the LED clock on the wall. I wanted to see, but I couldn't, and maybe it was easier, feeling him with my curious fingers. My face was on his chest, listening to the pounding of our hearts. I felt inexperienced and had no idea what to do.

He suddenly turned us around, and he was leaning over me. He placed his broad palmed hands and cupped my breast. I pushed my breast into his hand, and he pinched my nipple. A shot of desire ran down between my legs, and I felt frantic and started to grind my hips against his. His mouth was on my breast, his tongue twirling around my nipple. He paid the same attention to my other breast.

I moaned and suddenly realized my soaked panties were still on, and I quickly discarded them on his floor.

His face was in the crook of my neck now. One of his hands was in my hair, and the other was between my thighs. He pushed my legs wide with his and his thumb was making fast circles on my clit. Wanting more, I lifted my hips up to his.

I felt the tip of him slide into me and I gasped at the contact. He pushed in a little more and felt the barrier of my hymen. He stopped dead and started to pull out.

I shook my head. "Don't."

"Are you a…_virgin_?" he asked, astounded.

"Just do it," I muttered, feeling like I was losing my mind.

He licked my upper lip and pressed his lips to mine and he finally gave in and pushed into me. It hurt, but he filled me. I was writhing even more underneath him as he stroked my clit at a fast pace.

I locked my eyes with Edward's and realized this was real.

He increased pressure on my clit and I convulsed under his body, my pussy contracting around his slick cock. He groaned and thrust deep inside me as he came, releasing his hot seed into me.

He rolled over and we lay on his bed panting. He brushed away my hair that was plastered to my face with sweat. I laughed, feeling high and hyper.

I felt him move away and he grabbed the tissues by his side to clean me up.

"Are you okay?" There was no mistaking the concern on his face.

I nodded, still unable to speak.

"Do you want to go downstairs?" I asked, thinking he would want another shot or something.

He shook his head. "Later."

Edward reached down for the blanket and covered our naked bodies. Our legs were intertwined and his hand was in my hair, his face almost touching mine.

"Are you still hurting?"

"No," I replied, breathing in his delicious mixed scent of cologne and just him.

**EPOV **

"No," she replied, sounding so sweet I wanted to grind into her again, but I knew that she couldn't possibly be ready for round two.

Sex for me had always been an amazing experience, but with Bella, and the intense chemistry between us, it was beyond anything I had ever imagined.

I couldn't stop thinking about her being a virgin. Sure, I had been a lot of girls' first but this was different. This knowledge gave me a possessive feeling, something I wasn't sure was right. I didn't only want to be the first person to fuck her, but I wanted to be the _only_ one.

I sighed as I realized this may not be possible.

I was greedy. And that was it, I reasoned.

Bella was now sleeping soundlessly in my football t-shirt that had 'Cullen' written on the back in big, block letters.

I smiled and kissed her forehead before going downstairs to get a drink.

Everyone had left, with the exception of the people with extreme hangovers. As I scanned the room, it looked like only Tyler and Lauren remained. I was thankful that Alice had given Carlisle and Esme a vacation to Florida as Esme's birthday gift.

I made myself a shot with lemon and vanilla and one for Bella, in case she woke up.

My door creaked as I closed it again and Bella woke with a sleepy expression on her face.

"Hey." She smiled with a softness that made my heart pound fast and hard in my chest.

"Hey beautiful," I replied and handed her the drink I made her.

I watched her sip her drink. God, it was so fucking cute. And then, as though she had read my mind, she leaned into me for a kiss. The tiny pebbles of sugar soon turned into syrup as our kiss heated.

"Edward," she whispered, her brown eyes drowning me in the depth of it.

I felt hard again and she stood up and tugged my underwear down to my ankles. She wasn't wearing any panties and my cock immediately found her pussy. I thrust into her, deep, making her moan and squirm again.

I lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around my waist, allowing me to penetrate her deeper.

I moaned against the crook of her neck as she tightened around me and climaxed hard, coming with me this time.

I put her down on my bed, and fell asleep with her, my arm around her waist.

"Guys!" Alice screamed outside my fucking door. Thank God I had locked it, or she would've done something violent when she saw Bella in my room.

"Coming!" I called. Shit. It was Sunday, wasn't it? The last day of the weekend, and my fucking half sister had to wake us up at nine in the morning.

I put my pants on and opened the door to reveal a very angry Alice.

'What did you do to Bella?' she snapped at me.

I blinked at her as I rethought about last night. "Nothing," I said innocently.

Alice didn't buy it. She shot me a disbelieving glance and walked over to my bed.

"What the hell possessed you to dress Bella up as though she was your property?" Alice asked acidly.

I stifled a laugh. "I didn't know where her clothes went."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Because they're probably in the bathroom?"

How the _hell_ does she know these things? "Probably," I admitted.

"You're lucky _I_ was the one to find out first. I don't think Emmett would be very happy if you took Bella's V-card against a bathroom door, would he?" Her eyes flashed.

"I didn't take her against a bathroom door!" I said indignantly.

"I hope she will forgive you for this. I _told_ her this was what you do with girls." Alice had tears in her eyes and was shaking her head.

"What do you mean?"

"Bella might not want to be my friend anymore." Her lips turned down.

I didn't want to tell her how I felt about Bella, but I tried comforting her a little. "Don't worry, Alice. Bella's your best friend."

Alice sighed. "I guess. But we're going to Port Angeles to shop."

"Again? Who else is coming?"

"Everyone. Including you," she said in a clipped tone.

"Fine. Get the fuck out, Alice. I'll wake Bella. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want a pixie jumping on her at this time of the morning."

"Get dressed quickly. We're going out now."

I shut the fucking door in her face and Bella opened her eyes.

"You were _faking_?" I asked, stunned.

She giggled. "Yeah. That was hilarious."

"Sure it was. Get dressed, or Alice is going to kill me."

Bella groaned.

"Thank you for last night," I said cautiously. Would she regret it?

She smiled and left my room in my shirt, her ass bared. _Fucking hot_.

Emmett, Jasper and I sat outside the store the girls were in. Bella initially didn't want to go in, but Alice dragged her in anyway. I felt sorry for her.

"God, your girl has issues with dressing up," Emmett teased me.

I grinned. "Sure she does. Who cares?"

"Alice," we said together. I said it like an explanation, Emmett said it like a law, and Jazz rolled his eyes at me.

"No bullshitting about my girl." He flicked his middle finger at me and smirked.

"Who's bullshitting about whom?" Bella suddenly appeared. It was so fucking adorable when she swore. Her voice did funny things to rude words; it made it sweeter somehow.

"Nothing." I laughed. "Why did you come out?"

"I didn't want to be Alice's Barbie doll," Bella explained.

Em snorted and Bella sat down between my legs. Her shiny brown hair smelled like honey and sweetness – her shampoo, I realized.

"Aren't you going to _buy_ anything?" Jasper asked Bella.

She shook her head. "I don't want to."

We all sat in silence and I started to play with Bella's hair, tickling her with it.

She giggled and we fell back onto the grass.

"Oops!" she gasped and laughed.

Her hair was spread across my chest and half her body was on top of mine.

"Are you comfortable?" I asked her.

"Yeah," she replied.

She turned her head towards mine and I kissed her lightly on the lips.

"Ew! Guys, I feel like I'm watching a porno," Alice complained.

I hadn't heard Alice and Rose come out. Bella and I sat up immediately and I mussed her hair gently.

"Like you don't do it anyway," Bella teased her.

Alice groaned and blushed in embarrassment. "At least not in public."

I sighed and stood up, holding my hand out for Bella.

"I'm fucking starving!" Emmett grumbled while we were walking towards his car to dump the shopping bags. "Is there a _food_ store around here?"

"There's an ice cream parlor by the corner," Rose replied.

The five of us decided to join Emmett.

We were sitting in a circle in the park. The others were chatting away, talking about some shit I wasn't listening to. I found myself curiously observing Bella's hair. She was sitting next to me on the grass and her hair was auburn in the sun. But when the tree or someone cast a shadow, it would change back to brown, with a tint of bronze and red. It was beautiful. Just like the autumn leaves.

She was oblivious to my attention and was licking her ice cream and listening to Emmett telling dirty jokes about girls and bars. Her tongue flicked out, pink and white, and swirled along the tip of her ice cream. My heart started to beat fast and hard and I was almost certain she could hear it.

I kept watching her, until she stuck her tongue out and gave the ice cream a long smooth lick. _Fuck_. This girl was going to be the death of me.

She had no idea what so ever what that did to me, and my body. I didn't know what wanted her most at this point – my mind or my cock. _Fuck_.

Thank God I had already finished my ice cream or I probably wouldn't have been able to keep eating after this.

"You take so long to eat that," I told her.

She grinned at me and smiled. "I know."

I took her face in my hands and pressed my lips to her. She tasted sweet and delicious, her ice cream lingering in my mouth. I thrust my tongue into her mouth and she kissed me, her tongue sweet and cold yet unexpected in my mouth. I moaned.

"Want a bite?" she asked.

I smiled like fool and slurped her ice cream and finished it. "You want the cone?"

"Nah."

I threw the cone in the bin behind Alice and lay down on the grass beside Bella.

"Aren't you scared of bird shit?" I asked her.

She snorted. "Nope. Bird shit don't scare me"

_Again_. That word coming out of her mouth was like velvet. _Royal_ _velvet_, I thought.

I laughed and breathed into her hair, wondering if I had ever felt this happy in my life.

* * *

Hey guys

I'm going to be pretty busy next week so I'll try my hardest to get the next chapter uploaded by Sunday but I'm not quite sure.

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Thanks!

xx


	11. Balancing

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended.**

**Please see a/n below  
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**Balancing**

'**Order is not pressure which is imposed on society from without, but an equilibrium which is set up from within.'- ****Jose Ortega y Gasset**

**BPOV**

Studying for finals?

Done.

Finishing finals?

Done.

Writing graduation speech?

Check.

But there were still other things on my mind. Things that were _much more_ important.

Ever since that memorable day in Port Angeles, when everyone else had disappeared into their rooms for the night, Edward would sneak into my bed to sleep with me. We had also been able to share a few stolen kisses when we would study together

I hoped it wasn't just me who could feel the intense electrifying sparks between us.

Of course I knew he was in love with someone at school, as he had admitted to me before, but I refused to let myself get involved with his girlfriend. That was his business, and all I wanted at the moment was for Edward to be happy. We were very close friends, but I didn't want to burst our bubble by asking him who she or his girlfriend was. Maybe he felt protective of that lucky girl.

I was going to graduate in less than a week, and although I wasn't ready, Edward had already decided which university he would attend. He was incredibly intelligent, and I was sure that getting into Harvard was fine for him. He had perfect four point ohs and straight A plusses, not to mention the variety of sports he played.

As for me, I had no idea where to go, wherever I had the choices. I wanted to go somewhere close to Alice, so we could remain good friends, whereas for Edward, I was sure Jessica was going to be close to where he was, so he was fine. It was me who wasn't.

To be quite truthful about it all, Edward's relationship with me was pretty much physical and not emotional, but I knew deep in my heart that, I wanted him, that I was in love with him. It was a dangerous desire, wanting him, but it felt like it was burned into me. The feeling was burned into me, irrevocable and unavoidable.

I felt like I wanted to rip my head off. Application forms were to be handed in by the deadline today, but I was frustrated.

"Argh!" I groaned. I couldn't see how this was going to get better.

"Bella?" I heard Edward ask outside my room. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I mumbled, embarrassed that he had heard me.

"Trouble with application forms?" I could hear the smile in his voice and I knew I was making it too obvious at my obvious frustration.

"Yeah."

"I wanted to speak to you about that." His voice wavered, and his eyes looked troubled as he crossed my room and knelt down next to my desk.

"Yeah?"

"Where're you going next year?"

My voice sounded strangled. "Probably USC or something like that. Nothing fancy." I had already been accepted, but I really didn't want to attend there. It was a long way from where Edward was going to be, and just the thought made my heart ache.

Edward's eyes widened at me. "But that's _miles_ away from Harvard!"

I sighed. "I know."

"I thought we promised to stay together."

"I want to, but it's going to be difficult." My voice sounded heartbroken, and I hoped he wouldn't take notice.

"Let me help you," he said abruptly, taking my forms and filling them out for me. "I brought some for you."

My eyes widened in shock at the name of the school. "_Princeton_? They're not going to accept me so why even bother? Are you insane or something?"

He shook his head at me. "Nope."

I laughed, "I'm not going to get in"

"You're going to apply for the ones I applied for, too." He looked down and started to write, his hands shaking.

"You're just wasting your money."

"Maybe." But he sounded serious.

"Do you realise how much that school is going to cost? I can't afford it!" I huffed in disapproval.

"But what if we end up going there together?" Edward turned his green eyes to mine and looked at me intently.

"That'll be heaven," I said softly, but tears were starting to ooze out from the corners of my eyes.

"Don't cry, Bella." Edward took my face in his hands and kissed away my tears. "I _promise_ to make this work."

I nodded but tears continued to leak down my face.

"Bella, please."

"I'm just worried."

"So am I," he insisted.

"Don't cry, baby." He pressed his lips onto mine briefly and breathed into my face. "Don't worry about these things. I'll take care of this and make _us_ work."

My heart pounded and threatened to take off. Make _what_ work?

I gaped at him, unable to speak, and he looked back at me, shocked.

"What?" I whispered, touching his arm.

"I want this to work, Bella. I want to take care of you, and I want you by my side when I go to college," he said quietly. "I understand if you don't want to, if you want to have a new start and leave us behind. I completely understand." His voice broke on the last word.

I shook my head. "I know, and that's why I'm still uncertain about these things."

His gripped tightened around the pencil, and he breathed in deeply. "You have to decide when you receive your letters this week."

If this conversation continued, I would be in danger of revealing my feelings about him, so I decided to change the topic. "Where's Jessica going?"

Edward glared at me and forced a stiff smile. "She applied to Harvard and the other places I'm going."

This was understandable, but his intentions were unclear. "Then why do you need me?" I hoped the longing in my voice was inaudible to his ears.

The pencil in his large hand snapped in two, and I jumped at the sound of it.

"Edward?" I asked, concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he murmured and continued writing out my forms for me in a quicker pace.

**EPOV**

"Then why do you need me?" she asked, her voice almost inaudible with something like vulnerability.

My heart ached painfully, and I tensed, waiting for the hurt to go away. My grip tightened on the pencil I was using, and I accidently snapped it in half. _Fuck_.

"Edward?" Bella asked, her eyebrows furrowed with concern.

"Nothing," I lied. There was something I had to tell her, to _ask_ her, but I didn't know how. I had no idea how to ask this beautiful and sweet girl out for dinner. I should bring. Or what kind of flowers that she would like. And I had no idea what she would say.

Finally asking her for a date with me had been a private thought in my head for over a month now, but I hadn't had enough courage to do so. I had seen her hanging out with Mike, Eric, Tyler, and Jacob. It had angered me, but there was no reason for me to feel that. She had looked so happy with them, joking around, and yet, with me, she was always quiet and less exuberant. That thought made my heart sink.

Being physically intimate with her was one of the best things that had ever happened to me in my life, but whenever I had sex with her, it wasn't just sex. For me, it was a sign of commitment. _Making love_, they called it. But I wasn't sure how she felt.

Time was running out. In a week, I would be going to Massachusetts to visit Harvard, and Bella would be gone from my side. I had received my acceptance letter yesterday, and I had hid it from Bella, not knowing what her reaction would be.

I couldn't wrap my head around what I was feeling. But there was one thing I was going to make sure I would do, and that was to ask Bella out for a date – it most memorable night of my existence. I wanted to remember her – everything about her – when I left for college.

I couldn't stand the silence with Bella, and I took her forms and left, dumping the sheets of paper on my desk. I went into Jasper's room, asking for some fucking advice.

"Dude, what the hell?"

"I wanted to ask you something. And don't fucking laugh or tell anyone," I warned.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "What's up?"

"How do you ask a girl out for a date?"

Jasper gaped at me, like I had just told him I had won the Nobel Prize.

"Are you_ serious_?"

"Yes," I said firmly. This was what I wanted to do for my girl, and there wasn't much time left.

"Ask who out? Jessica?"

I shook my head and felt like an idiot. "No. Bella." _My girl_.

"Fuck man, you got this all screwed up. You can't ask her out for a date. We're graduating in a _week's _time!"

"That's the main _point_!" I shouted at him. What the fuck was wrong with him?

"So, what? You're going to go out with her and then leave her behind like she was some random girl you no longer want?"

"No. I love her, and I want to make the most of these few days. I'm scared." My breath hitched, and I'd be _damned_ if I cried in front of Jazz. "I'm scared she'll run off with a guy at college, and I'll never see her again."

"She probably will. You deserve it," my step-brother said scathingly.

"I know," I mumbled.

"Not about _that_. You've been with her for almost what? Five months, and _now_ you decide to do this sort of thing."

I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling ashamed. I should've thought it through more carefully. And fuck, I thought I had planned it all out. _Balanced_ everything.

But I continued to press on. "What type of flowers do I have to give her?"

Jasper cleared his throat. "C'mon. I'll show you."

We walked over to the nearby florist, and the old lady who sold them smiled at Jasper. He recognized her and smiled back.

"These red roses are great for the romantic, but I don't know what shit you're pulling. I also doubt Bella would find you romantic, so I wouldn't get that if I were you," Jasper explained.

He strode over to where the light purple flowers were displayed. "These are carnations, and they smell really nice and are exceptionally beautiful. They symbolize royalty."

I was sick with this all. "Okay. So you're going to lecture me about all the fucking flowers this store sells?"

Jasper laughed jeeringly. "No, I'm just going to tell you about the ones I think you should consider for Bella."

"Right," I was starting to get pissed now.

I saw Jasper fingering some deep red flowers. "These are another type of carnation. They symbolize deep love, fascination, and strong affection."

I grabbed a bunch of them, and Jasper stared at me. "Did you hear what I said, Edward?"

"Yeah," I breathed heavily. "These are the flowers I'm getting Bella."

He looked at me, incredulous. "Are you serious?"

I nodded. I looked down at the carnations. They were _perfect_.

"You really do love her, don't you?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

I was a bundle of nerves. Jasper had selected the flowers for me as a precaution, and when Bella said yes, _if_ she said yes, then I would do my part.

I stood outside Bella's closed bedroom door and knocked twice.

"Hey." Bella smiled at me, and I hugged her tightly, lifting her off her feet, and breathing in her sweet strawberry scent.

I put her back on the ground and drowned in her warm brown eyes. My heart was pounding, and I took a deep breath.

"Bella, would you like to have dinner with me?"

Her eyes widened in surprise or shock, I wasn't sure, and I cringed internally, hoping she would accept.

She hugged me tightly and breathed, "Yes."

She said _yes_.

I asked this amazing girl for something, and she had said _yes_.

I felt ecstatic.

"Thank you." I smiled, relieved, and she dragged me into her room, locking the door behind her.

She lay on the bed, her hair spread out, and I crushed my lips with hers, crushing them with mine and thrusting my tongue roughly into her mouth. She moaned, and the sound vibrated into my body.

I slid my hand under her shirt, and we broke apart briefly as I flung her shirt onto the floor. I rested my cheek on the top of her head and kissed her hair.

"Are you too sore for this?"

"No," she gasped.

I placed my hand on her thigh and tugged her denim shorts off. Her panties were already wet, and I was aching to be inside her. I ripped her panties off as she worked my buttons. Sliding my pants down quickly, I covered my mouth with hers, kissing her furiously, like never before. I wanted her to remember this. I wanted her to remember the amazing feeling of us physically connected.

I was sporting a full tent now, and I pushed my underwear down quickly to my ankles and pressed my cock into her wet pussy. She was so wet that I slid in without much effort.

She gasped at the contact, and I closed my eyes, wanting to remember that sound for the rest of my life.

I slid in and out of her, unhurriedly, until I felt her walls clenching tightly, and she screamed my name just like I had screamed hers the first time.

"God," I panted.

"That was good," Bella giggled.

I kissed her forehead and lay next to her. It was some time in the afternoon now, and I was going to take Bella out for dinner in a few hours.

She sighed happily beside me, and I wished I could stay like this with her forever. I thought about our future, which lay uncertainly ahead of us. I hadn't told her about my acceptance yet, but I wasn't sure how I was going to manage those few words aloud. It was going to be painful for me. I was pretty sure Bella would end up studying business at USC or Dartmouth. They were miles away from where I would be, and I wasn't sure how I could remedy that.

Alice had heard about my date with Bella tonight from Jasper, no doubt, and she was now fussing all over Bella.

I didn't know what to wear for the first time in my life, and I was too much of a fucking pussy to ask Jasper for this sort of advice. I decided to wear dark jeans, a white collared shirt, and a black jacket. I didn't know what the hell possessed me to wear a tie, but I did. This was supposed to be a night to remember. A night I would never forget. Bella deserved perfect, and I was trying to bring myself up to that standard.

I wrote her name on the card provided and stuck it to the side of the flowers. Bella was in her room, and I knew she was waiting for me because Alice was already in Jasper's room.

I clutched the bunch of carnations tightly in my hand and knocked on the door.

Bella opened, and I forced myself not to gawk at her like a dickhead. She was wearing the most amazing blue dress that suited her skin tone nicely, and her hair was fresh and loosely braided. So fucking beautiful.

Bella took the flowers from my hand and smelled them. "Thank you so much, Edward!" She said, grinning at me hugely and tiptoed to kiss me on my cheek.

I smiled at her, too. "Let's go."

I took Bella to a special place Esme had recommended. It was an Italian restaurant near the coast. Esme had said the view at night was beautiful and unforgettable, and I had thought it sounded perfect. Perfect for Bella.

I was fidgety on the way to the restaurant, but then Bella decided to turn the radio on ,and she soon began to sing along to the songs. Suddenly, everything was very easy and simple. It was just me and a pretty girl going out for a dinner date. Nothing was going to complicate us tonight.

I ordered the same dish as Bella, and we talked happily to each other. When we finished, I threw the tip down on the table and held Bella's hand on the way out.

We took a walk down to the harbor, and the wind was becoming quite chilly so I handed Bella my jacket in case she was freezing.

The wind blew Bella's dress around my legs as I held her closely to me, admiring the river view.

There were colourful lights shining, and it was quiet. The night was perfect. Just like my girl.

"Ice cream?" I asked.

She laughed. "Okay."

We ran to the nearby ice cream vendor and gasped and panted and laughed.

"Mmmm…" Bella moaned into her ice cream.

"Stop it!" I teased her.

She kissed me on the mouth just like she had in Port Angeles, her mouth surprisingly warm and sweet as always.

It was hands down the happiest moment of my life.

When we arrived home, it was already past twelve o'clock, and I sensed that my girl would be pretty exhausted by now.

I decided not to join her tonight, and I kissed her goodnight, my heart screaming _I love you_. I didn't say it out loud, but I would tell her. Soon.

I locked the door behind me, and I began to pour my heart out onto a piece of paper.

_Dearest Bella,_

_I wish I could be here with you, celebrating the end of our final school year. Believe me, that is what I want more than my life. I want to be there, to stand beside you for the rest of my existence. I want to be strong for you, to protect you from hurt, and everything that frightens you or makes you feel uneasy._

_My heart aches to hold you in my arms, but I can't, and it's killing me. They say life isn't fair, but you have to believe that I have tried my best to make your life and mine the best it can possibly be._

_I am going to be lonely at Harvard without your presence. So lonely, and I wish I had told you yesterday about my acceptance, but I didn't have enough courage to say it, to see the hurt in your eyes and feel the ache in my heart._

_I am going to miss you so much and I wish you all the best at college._

_I love you._

_Edward_

I placed my letter in an envelope carefully and signed off.

Graduation was tomorrow. And the soon after, I was going away to visit my dream college. I decided I would leave my letter on Bella's desk just before I left.

I pulled open my closet and started throwing my clothes in randomly. Sure, it was only a brief visit to the school, but I wasn't sure if I was going to come back here as I would probably want to attend the preparation classes there so I'd be ready.

I fell into a hopeless slumber, and I woke up with Alice screaming in excitement.

What. The. Fuck.

It was only graduation.

The process was very simple. All we had to do was go on stage and collect our diplomas from Mr Green, the school principal.

I put on the ugly yellow gown and waited by the car.

I drove my siblings and Bella to Forks' High School one last time. The school was decorated with balloons only. How pitiful.

I was one of the first to get my diploma since my last name was Cullen, and Bella was one of the last.

I waited for her to come down from the stage.

"Congratulations," I whispered into her ear.

"Congratulations to you, too!" She smiled at me, and I kissed her forehead, suddenly remembering I hadn't told her about Harvard yet.

"Shall we get home to see where you've been accepted?" I asked.

Her eyes widened. "They were letters for _me_?"

I laughed. "Of course."

When we got home, I rushed to the kitchen and handed Bella the letters. She was tense, and her hand was shaking when she ripped open the green Dartmouth letter.

"Dear Miss Swan…" she muttered, "congratulations on…hang on. Wait."

A large grin split across her face, and I hugged her tightly. "You got in!"

"Oh my God!" she screamed.

I felt so happy and proud for my girl but an uneasy feeling took place in my heart as I took a deep breath and handed her my Harvard acceptance letter.

"You're upset about _this_?" Bella asked softly.

"It's not just this." I muttered, not meeting her eyes, but I had no idea how to tell her I was leaving tomorrow.

"Bella," I grasped her hand tightly in mine before speaking again, "come with me."

I led Bella to my room where most of my stuff was already packed in two suitcases.

She blinked and looked blankly at me. "Why have you packed all your stuff?"

My breath caught, and I looked intently into her eyes. "I am leaving tomorrow for Massachusetts."

**BPOV **

"I am leaving tomorrow for Massachusetts." He said. His eyes burned into mine.

I felt like my heart had dropped into my stomach. "Oh."

Edward cupped my face gently like I was made of tissue and kissed me on the mouth sweetly.

"So that's it?" Tears were running down my face freely.

Edward looked heartbroken, and his jaw tightened. "No. That is not it."

"What else?" How much more would it take to break me?

"I will make this better, Bella. I promise." He looked at me sincerely, but my heart was starting to doubt his words and his velvet voice.

"Okay." That was all I could manage.

Edward held me to sleep tonight and hummed until I was asleep. This was going to be the last night we were going to be together.

"Bella," Edward whispered urgently, waking me.

"What's wrong?" I mumbled, still sleepy.

"I'm leaving in five hours."

That was all he said, and I shot out of bed, dressing at breakneck speed.

My heart pounded as I got to the bottom of the stairs.

Edward was down there waiting for me, already in dressed in a hoodie and jeans. He looked so beautiful but crestfallen.

We all hugged Edward goodbye, even Jasper and Emmett. Alice and Rose looked glad that he was leaving, but I was starting to cry again.

"Bella," Edward whispered in my ear one last time before he left, "remember me."

I hugged him back tightly until it was hard to breathe. "I won't. Thank you for everything," I said softly, his hair damp from my tears.

I watched Edward walk to the Carlisle's car, who was taking him to the airport. I smiled at waved, like the others, but headed into my room earlier in case Alice or Emmett started warming towards me.

I gasped when I found a letter addressed to me in my room. There was no mistaking the elegant cursive writing of Edward. I flipped the envelope over and took the letter out.

_Dearest Bella,_

_I wish I could be here with you, celebrating the end of our final school year. Believe me, that is what I want more than my life. I want to be there, to stand beside you for the rest of my existence. I want to be strong for you, to protect you from hurting and everything that frightens you or makes you feel uneasy._

_My heart aches to hold you in my arms, but I can't, and it's killing me. They say life isn't fair, but you have to believe that I have tried my best to make your life and mine the best it can possibly be._

_I am going to be lonely at Harvard without your presence. So lonely, and I wish I have told you yesterday about my acceptance but I didn't have enough courage to say it. To see the hurt in your eyes and the ache in my heart._

_I am going to miss you so much. And I wish you all the best at college._

_I love you._

_Edward_

"Oh Edward!" I cried.

This meant that he probably wasn't going to come back for _months_. I wish I had told him how I felt in the beginning, but it was too late. Just like him, I didn't have enough courage.

But he had signed off saying he _loved_ me. There are many different types of love, some were reserved for parents, some for your siblings, some for the people close to you, and for the one, but I was grateful to have even just a small place in his heart, even though he took a massive chunk out of mine.

But I will remember him. I will remember all the precious moments we had shared together.

My phone rang, and it was Edward.

"Bella?" he breathed.

"Edward, I miss you already," I whispered brokenly.

"I miss you, too," he said, "but I _will_ be coming back for Christmas, okay? No more tears."

"Okay," I said, wiping my tears away. "No more tears."

"It's only for a few weeks, and then I'll see you again," he reasoned.

"I know."

"I have to go now."

"Good bye then."

"I miss you. Bye."

I wanted to tell him that I loved him, too, but on the phone for the first time wasn't a good thing.

We were going to spend Christmas together, and that all that mattered.

* * *

Thanks to all my readers and great big hugs to my betas** SueBob **_and _**izzzyy****_  
_**

Please review and tell me what you think..

And yeah I know there are some confusion about the time frame and stuff.

I'll explain on the next chapter

xx


	12. The Art of Love

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended.**

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**The Art of Love**

'**Such is the inconsistency of real love, that it is always awake to suspicion, however unreasonable; always requiring new assurances from the object of its interest.'- Ann Radcliffe**

**EPOV**

This place was heaven and fucking hell at the same time. The Harvard tour was great; the library was massive and the school grounds were calm and peaceful. This was where I wanted to go, but I knew I had to consider my girl. We had both gotten into Princeton and Dartmouth. I don't worry too much about which college she was going to attend because getting in was one of the proudest achievements she had to date. Even if it wasn't far from where I was going to.

The courses at the university were demanding and it was hard to keep my head above the water already, but I wanted to be a doctor and I wanted to save lives. That was what Carlisle had taught me all these years since I saw my mother and father die in front of my frightened eyes.

I felt a little bit relieved that Bella had received my note and had understood it. At least I hoped she did. I had written that I loved her, and I prayed that she took it to heart- she _had_ my heart. There was never going to be another person for me. She was it. I had found my girl.

I flipped my pen in my hand, trying to figure out how to sum up my essay, but my head was filled with anticipation and Bella. There were only a few more days, and she would be back in my arms, safe and happy. We would celebrate Christmas together, and New Years.

I sighed and slipped my papers back into my bag. I would finish them later.

I took out my phone and dialed Bella's number, hoping she would fill the emptiness in my heart.

"Edward?" Bella breathed.

I sighed. It was so good to hear her. "Hey, beautiful. How are you?"

"Okay. Not really, actually. I miss you so much." Her voice sounded miserable and it made my heart hurt. I couldn't let my girl be miserable. She doesn't deserve miserable.

"Oh Bella, I'll be with you in four days," I promised. There was nothing I wanted more than to spend the whole day with her.

"I'm scared," Bella whispered.

I could picture tears rolling down her face now, and I suddenly had the urge to fly back to Forks and comfort her.

"Bella," I whispered back, "don't be scared about anything - _anything_. You're fearless."

She breathed in deeply and sighed. "With you I am."

"I'll come back, Bella." My voice wavered and cracked and I was scared I would start crying myself. 'And we'll make the most of our time together.' The three words that have been burning inside me almost made it out of my mouth before I shut it abruptly. I needed to see her reaction the first time. I _had_ to see her face light up with happiness as I said it.

"Okay."

"No more tears," I repeated.

She sniffled. "No more tears."

"I'll talk to you later today."

"Busy with coursework already?" I could hear the smile in her voice.

"Yeah." I laughed. "Sucks like hell."

And then I heard her laugh – the most beautiful sound in my world.

"I have to go now," I told her, tensing as I saw Tanya walking towards me.

"Bye." And she hanged up.

Tanya stalked towards me with a smug expression on her face. I cringed inwardly as she stood next to me and touched my arm.

"What do you want?" I muttered through my teeth. I had enough of Jessica and Tanya's bitchiness and flirting already. I couldn't believe I would still be stuck with them for the next couple of years.

She batted her fucking long eye lashes and took a seat next to me, still touching my arms. "I was wondering if you could help me with my work?" I wasn't going to fall for that bullshit. She had as much brains as I had but just didn't use them.

I rolled my eyes. "Ask the professor."

She sighed. "He's at a meeting."

"I'm busy with my own work. Sorry." I said with as much politeness as I could possibly manage.

She laughed and twirled her blonde hair. I could only imagine how concentrated the peroxide was.

"Who were you talking to on your phone just then?" she asked me, faking her curiosity.

"That's none of your business," I snapped.

She smiled coyly at me. "Perhaps it's your _girlfriend_?"

I groaned and she took that as a yes.

"But she's not here in Boston, is she? I heard you were from Forks."

I tensed and changed the topic. "What do you need help on? Bio, Chemistry, Physics….what?"

Her eyes flashed with surprise. "Oh! Well, all of them I think. But I left my books at the library, so maybe next time."

"See you later then."

"Okay, Cullen. But just remember," she whispered in my ear in what she thought was a seductively voice. I shivered and felt goose bumps in my scalp. "_I'm_ in Boston and I'm single. Don't forget _that_." She laughed and left.

I felt my ears with my hand and hoped that there was no sticky lip gloss or any crap she wore left on my ears and felt disgusted with myself for letting her get that close to me.

I couldn't believe I used to think girls with makeup and fake boob jobs were attractive and pretty. I thought about Bella, and how she hated dressing up and using makeup except for mascara. _She_ was the beautiful one. People had called her plain, but she was perfection. Nobody else was. Not me, nor anyone. _No one_.

_Fucking focus on your work, Edward. This is your future_, I told myself firmly. A solid foundation was what was needed for a successful career.

My stomach felt nervous, and I was sick with anticipation. Tomorrow I was going to catch a late flight back to Forks, where my girl would be waiting for me. It would be Christmas, and I still hadn't gotten her a present yet.

"Ben?" I asked my roommate.

"Man, what's up?"

"What are you getting Angela for Christmas?"

He laughed at me. "I got her a book."

I blinked at him and stared.

"Are you fucking with me?" I asked him in disbelief. A fucking book for _Christmas_?

"Okay. Well, I didn't buy that, but you can't tell her," Ben told me seriously.

"Just get on with it. I don't do that gossiping bullshit with girls," I said impatiently.

"I'm getting her a ring," he told me proudly.

"No way!" I grinned real big. "You're proposing? Good luck with that."

"Don't you dare _fuck_ with Angela!"

I shook my head. That was not what I had meant at all. "No. I meant that isn't it too soon? How long have you fucking known each other?"

Ben shrugged. "Four years."

_Four years_. I'd known Bella for four years as well, but I wasn't ready. I was pretty sure she wasn't either. We hadn't even told each other how we actually felt yet.

"Wow." That was all I could say. "Where did you get the ring?"

"Tiffany's."

My eyes widened in shock. "_Tiffany's_? Wow. She must be something."

"Yeah." Ben grinned.

I felt like an idiot going to Tiffany's in the late afternoon, but I had to get something special for Bella so I decided to look around for something.

I walked aimlessly in the store, looking at everything that was displayed. Then I saw something that caught my eye. Displayed in the glass cabinet laid a beautiful and delicate diamond bracelet. _Forever _was engraved on the inside of it, and I realised it was perfect. Perfect for my girl.

Money had never been a problem for me and my family, so even though it wasn't on sale or anything, I bought it, feeling some of the weight lifting from my heart.

I fingered the box nervously as I made my way from the airport to Carlisle's car. I hadn't brought much luggage over, and I was sure Bella was likely to be alarmed by that, but I was staying at Harvard and yet I wanted to be with my girl at the same time. Life was fucking tough.

I had no idea who was picking me up, or if I was to catch a cab home, but I scanned the crowd with an odd sort of thumping in my chest.

Suddenly, I caught a glimpse of shiny brown hair and my breathing stopped.

"Edward!" I heard Bella scream in excitement as she ran to me, almost knocking me over.

She crushed her body to mine and I breathed in the unique sweet scent of her. "Bella," I whispered into her hair.

It felt so good to have her back in my arms. I felt at home.

"Edward," she whispered back into my chest. I felt my shirt dampen and realised Bella was crying.

"Don't cry, baby. I'm here." I soothed her.

She looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes, which were now clouded with tears. "They're happy tears. I missed you so much."

"I missed you so much, too," I replied softly and leaned down to kiss her tenderly on the mouth.

"Alice is waiting," Bella said against my lips.

I sighed and dropped my hands away from her face and took her hand instead.

My eyes dropped to our joined hands, and I felt my heart swell at the simple gesture and all it meant to me.

"Alice," I greeted my sister.

"Edward," she responded. I was thankful that she had finally trusted me with Bella.

"Bella's been a wreck without you," Alice told me like it was the most obvious thing.

My girl looked up at me and flushed red with embarrassment, and my stomach felt sick. Alice must've been correct. How could I tell Bella my decision?

"I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling like a massive dick.

"It's my fault," Bella told her hands.

**BPOV**

It really wasn't Edward's fault. It was mine. I didn't make enough effort to be happy and that was the problem.

Even Alice wasn't enough to calm me down and keep my mood cheerful.

It was already dark when we had arrived home, and Carlisle greeted Edward with a "Merry Christmas" as we came through the hall. The grand Christmas tree now stood, with piles of silver wrapped presents lying underneath.

We all sat down at the dinner table, and I ate roast turkey for the first time in my life. There were plates of chipolatas, which were mostly gone by the end thanks to Emmett's big appetite. I was eating well for the first time since Edward left, and I didn't feel like vomiting it out. It was a miracle, and Esme smiled at me warmly.

I sat next to Edward, who was talking to Jasper about microbiology. That wasn't my topic, and I decided to move on to Alice's conversation.

"Did you get Edward anything?" Alice asked me nonchalantly.

I grimaced and wondered how she had possibly came to this conclusion. "Yeah I did," I admitted.

"Something he'd like?" She eyed me suspiciously.

"I don't know," I replied truthfully.

All these months when I had gotten the chance to know Edward, I had never gotten to know his interests to know what to get him,

Ever since that day I saw him hug Jessica, I had been wrestling with the conception that I was in love with Edward. I never knew what being in love would feel like, but I knew that the special spark I always felt when Edward was near me was as close enough as I could be capable of feeling. It was scaring me that I had fallen for Edward so soon, and I had prepared myself every day to be able to let him go, to let him find who his heart was searching for, because I knew that someone like Edward could quite possibly _never_ love me back. I would never deserve his love or attention.

I had constantly reminded myself that I was only one of his flings. He would get bored of me soon enough. I would have to let him go, and he would take half my heart away from me. Forever. Because I love him.

We all sat in the living room after dinner, feeling comfortable near the cosy fireplace, opening our presents. Alice and Jasper had given me a make up kit and a pink dress I knew I would never wear for Christmas. Esme and Carlisle had given me new quilts for my plain bed and books for my empty bookcase up in my room, and Em and Rose had given me a set of perfume. It was all very sweet.

I didn't want to give Edward his present in front of everyone. It felt too private.

Edward, sensing my discomfort when Alice asked where my gift for him was, smiled at me and mouthed 'later'. I smiled back. He knew me too well.

I fidgeted with my zipper when Edward led me up the staircase into his room.

As soon as he closed the door behind him, he reached up to brush my hair away from my face and smiled crookedly at me before cupping my face gently in his hands and leaned in to take my bottom lip between his.

I felt my knees weaken as soon as his lips met mine, but I snaked my arms around his neck and tangled my fingers into his messy bronze hair. His hands massaged my scalp as I slid my tongue into his mouth without hesitation. His tongue swirled against mine lazily, and he moaned into my mouth. He pressed me up against the wall, and I could feel his steel in his jeans.

He pulled away and smiled back at me.

"I got you something," he said, chuckling nervously.

"I got you something too." I flushed as I said it.

We both sat on his large bed and he handed me a square box wrapped in silver. I frowned, wondering what it was.

I peeled the tape off and the box was green. _Tiffany & Co._ was printed on the top. I gasped. It must've cost a fortune.

"Edward," I said almost inaudibly. "I won't be able to pay you back for this."

"I don't want you to," he said while watching me intently.

My hands started to shake as I opened the box and peaked inside. I felt my breath catch at the sight of it. Nestled inside was a delicate silver bracelet, with a diamond heart dangling off it. I took a shaky breath as I saw the word _forever_ engraved on the inside of it.

Edward took the bracelet from me and slipped it onto my wrist. It was perfect.

"Thank you, Edward," my voice broke as tears slid down my face. _God, I love him._

"You're welcome."

I took a deep breath. "I…I have something for you, too."

"Bella, you didn't need to." His voice sounded disapproving and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"It's not as expensive as your gift, but it's more…I hope you find a meaning in it," I suggested tentatively.

I hope he wasn't going to be mad at me.

I handed him the white box with a silver bow tied around it and blushed deep crimson.

I had to sneak into the mall without Alice noticing and went off on my own for a while. I had felt like a dick walking into the jewelery store, but as soon as I saw it, I knew it was perfect for Edward.

The little silver heart in the box summed up all the things I felt for Edward, and I was tense and ready for his rejection.

My heart thudded loudly in my chest as I watched his long fingers open the box. His eyes opened wide and he touched my face gently.

"Bella?" I could feel something brewing underneath his calm façade.

"It's a heart, and…you know…" The words were on the tip of my tongue and I wondered why it took so long to get it out.

"Yes?" His face was unreadable and I suddenly felt like taking it back.

I was drowning in his green eyes, and I realised there was no backing out now.

"I love you," I said. It sounded completely and absolutely true. Just right. 'There's…there's no one else for me now. It's you."

"Oh Bella," he sighed and he held my face in his hands again. "I love you, too. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you."

Tears spilled over again, and Edward crushed me to his chest gently. "I love you so much."

We lay there on his bed, and as he looked at me, his eyes were filled with so much love and joy. He leaned on top of me and crashed his lips with mine.

I needed his loving touch, and his body to remind me that nothing else mattered.

His hands gripped my hair tightly, and our bodies molded together as our lips parted. I whimpered in his mouth, and he groaned, pressing his erection where I wanted it most. His leg moved down between my legs, and I spread them wider as he lowered himself onto me. A deep groan came from his throat and caused my body to a near frenzy.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, and my desire increased as I reached down into his jeans to feel him. I was fully wet by now and was starting to ache between my thighs.

His lips left mine and moved towards my jaw and neck, planting delicate kisses along. He licked my collarbone with his tongue, and I felt loved and special. _He loved me_.

I arched my body against his, and he reached down to tug my jeans and panties off. I worked on his fly buttons, and he placed his mouth back on mine, taking in my bottom lip.

I lifted my shirt off and slid my hands under his shirt so I could feel his hard defined muscles.

"Take it off," he growled.

Pulling his shirt over his head, his hand began to rub over my hardened nipple.

"Edward, please," I whispered. I needed him so badly.

He licked the crevice between my breasts and I arched towards him, our hips rocking together.

"Look at me. I want you to look at me," Edward whispered into my mouth.

I turned my head upwards, and our gazes met as he slid his cock into my wet, aching slit. He thrust inside me in one full stroke, filling me, consuming me. We gasped as our bodies began to move together. His cock pumped in and out of me, hitting all my sensitive areas inside me.

This wasn't just sex anymore. This was us; making love. There were no frantic movements, and no dirty talk. Only our moans filled the room.

I began to clench my walls around him, tightening, and he sensed my climax coming.

"Cum with me," he whispered against my lips.

I wanted to scream out in pleasure, but his mouth returned to mine and silenced my loud cries of pleasure and love.

He shot deep and warm inside me and collapsed on top of me.

I held him to me, my fingers still in his hair.

"I love you," he said, his eyes a warm green, yet electrifying.

"I love you too," I replied, my eyes full of love and tears.

He brushed away my tears with his thumb and planted soft, sweet kisses on my lips.

Edward rolled over and lay next to me, holding my hands to his stomach.

I reached down to grab his blanket and spread it over us.

"Did you like my gift?" he asked quietly.

I shook my head and grinned at him. "No. I _loved_ it."

He chuckled. "Thank you for yours too."

"Thank you for giving me your heart," I said, placing my hand onto his chest, where I could feel his heart beating hard, but not fast.

"It's already yours."

"Mine, too."

I thought he was going to say something, but he thought better of it.

"What's wrong, Edward?" I turned to look at him.

He smiled. "Nothing." He turned and put another soft kiss below my ear. "But you deserve better."

I shook my head violently. "No," I said firmly, grabbing his face in my hands. "Nothing is better than you."

He laughed and sighed, rumpling my hair. I pressed my forehead to his, and our bodies fitted together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, like we were made for each other.

Edward thought he wasn't good enough for me. I would show him, and I hoped he would see it one day.

**EPOV**

She had said she _loved _me. Bella loved me. That was probably the best gift I had ever gotten in my life. Her heart.

I had made love to my girl, hoping she would understand my commitment to her, but I knew I wasn't good enough for her. Somehow, one day, she would realise I was not enough for her. She deserved better. She deserved someone who had a heart of gold and had a clean history.

I didn't.

But she was still my girl, and nobody was going to change that until she pushed me away from her.

I would let her go because she deserved happiness and peace.

But right now, she was my girl, and that was all that mattered right now.

"Edward," she whispered in her sleep. She was dreaming of me again, and my heart swelled with my love for her.

I pulled her closer to my side and breathed in her strawberry scent.

"I'm here," I whispered back.

I would be, whenever she needed me, wherever she needed me. As long as she wanted me, I would be by her side in a heartbeat.

* * *

Wow. There was quite a response to my last chapter!

Thanks to all who reviewed and read this story and massive hugs to my two lovely betas **robbsweetangel** and **remylebeauishot **for all the help and advice.

xx


	13. Confusion

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Confusion**

'**The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.'- M. Scott Peck**

**BPOV**

"Bella!" Alice yelled outside my door.

I shot up from my bed. "Yeah?"

"Uni, bitch. Or are you trying to back out from Princeton?"

I groaned. Of course. It was the first day of college. It was the first day of at least four years of fucking hard work. Purgatory.

It had been almost three weeks since Edward had left to go back to Harvard. He hadn't wanted to go; he wanted to stay with me at Princeton, so that we could graduate together and keep our relationship steady, but I had forced him to go. In his heart, I knew he wanted to go.

When he had gotten his acceptance into Harvard, I could tell it was the biggest score of his goals in life. It was his dream, and he _needed_ to pursue it, whether he knew that or not. I had told him he couldn't just ditch the best thing in life for me.

"_You're the most important thing in my life," _he had whispered in my ear just before he left. I wanted to believe it so badly, but I convinced him we could visit each other when we had holiday breaks, but I was a fucking liar. I needed him like air.

I checked my phone for missed calls, and I saw one text waiting for me.

_Good luck on your first day of university. Seems like school again doesn't it? I love you- Edward. _

I smiled at the screen and texted back.

_Good luck on your first day of Harvard. You're going to become the best doctor in the world. I love you- Bella. _

All in all, I had to say that I was frightened for him and the relationship we shared. He was going to a medical school with Jessica and Tanya, so I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to hang out with them. I knew there were going to be girls much smarter than me that were going to be in his class, and I wouldn't blame him for falling for one of them.

I felt like I wasn't good enough for him, as I was only trying to major in law and business, nothing _medical_ or interesting like that. He was the one going to save lives. I wasn't.

My phone rang, and I nearly dropped it.

"Bella?" Edward's anxious voice broke through my fears.

"Edward," I breathed.

"Did you receive my text?"

I laughed. "Yes. Thanks for that. Did you receive mine?"

"Yeah. Thanks. I really needed your words."

"Who's in your class this year?" I couldn't quite keep the jealousy from seeping into my voice.

"Um, I don't know many of them…" He sounded off, and I realised that there was going to be trouble.

I tried not to sound upset. "Is Jessica?"

"Yeah. She is. So is Tanya. She's this random chick who hit it off with Jessica instantly."

I sighed. "Good luck with that. And try not to let them get into your pants too soon." I tried to sound offhanded and teasing, but it sounded fake even to my own ears.

"Bella," he said sternly, "you know that isn't going to happen."

"Okay," I said, still uneasy.

"I have to go," he said abruptly.

"Bye. I love you."

He hung up.

_He's just tired and busy with school work, Bella. There's nothing to worry about. _ I told myself calmly.

I had to believe Edward loved me and still cared about me, or nothing would ever work.

"Alice!" I whispered to her during class.

"Yes?" she mumbled sleepily. She hated lectures, especially with Professor Grant. Even I didn't see why lectures were so important- hardly any of us were paying full attention anyway, as the exams were still far away.

"Are you taking notes?"

"A little." She tipped her notepad to the side so I could see how much she had written. There was hardly any writing on it.

"You're screwed," I joked.

"I wasn't born a nerd."

I grinned. "Never said you were."

Alice always ended up copying notes from my book anyway. I wanted to graduate with high marks, so finding a job as a lawyer or something related business wise would be easier, and I hoped that it would be somewhere closer to Edward.

Life had to be fair sometimes.

Professor Grant dismissed us early, as he had an important staff meeting to attend, and Alice sighed in relief. I rolled my eyes and giggled. I didn't know how she was going to manage to graduate. It would probably kill her.

Alice chatted happily on the way to the café.

"Has Edward texted you about your day yet?" she asked.

I tensed and began to stress at the mention of his name. "I don't know," I told her truthfully.

"Check."

I fumbled with my phone and clicked the message icon with a shaky finger. There was one new message.

_Bella, I'm sorry for being short with you before. I hope I haven't messed up your first day. I love you- Edward._

I texted him back immediately.

_Hi Edward. How's the classes? What are you doing right now? I love you- Bella._

"He's not trying to be an ass again, is he?" Alice asked me anxiously, gauging my reaction.

"Nah. I think he's putting too much pressure on himself again," I told her untruthfully. It was a half truth anyway. She didn't have to listen to my worries, or she'd fly up to Boston immediately and kick Edward's ass. I didn't want that to happen.

My phone buzzed again.

_I need your words to calm me down. I'm with Tanya. She said she needs help with her class work. – E_

My stomach dropped, but I replied nevertheless.

_I'm glad she looks up to you. You're smart, but I guess things don't always work well._

Alice interrupted me before I sent the text. "What's wrong, Bella?"

"Nothing." I wondered what I must've looked like when I read his text.

"You're upset," she stated.

I tried smiling, but she saw right through me.

"Look, I know my brother. And if you ever need any help, or advice, just ask me. He's not always very consistent, especially with girls. It's his nature."

I felt like I was caught between two steel traps. I didn't know if Alice was telling the truth, but looking down at my wrist, at the Christmas present Edward gave me, my heart told me not to take Alice's comments to heart.

I shrugged. "Thanks, Alice, but no thanks."

We walked to the library in silence, lost in our own thoughts. I loved the library. It was big and there were seas of books everywhere I looked. It was a place I loved to relax and study but not for Alice. For all I know, all she wanted to do was to take over Anna Wintour's job as _Vogue's _editor.

I checked my message inbox for any new messages and was surprised when I received one from Jessica.

_You better watch out. It seems like Tanya's having heaps of fun with Edward right now. I bet he's thankful you left- you wouldn't have to witness the sight in front of me. I feel so jealous of her. They're fucking perfect together._

I stilled in my chair and slowly looked over at Alice, swallowing hard. My heart picked up speed as I reread Jessica's text.

Alice's eyes snapped to mine.

"Let me see that," she snapped.

I looked at her in astonishment. "What?"

"Hand it over. _Now_. Before I rip it out of your hands," she threatened.

I showed her the text, and Alice groaned.

I wasn't paying attention to her. I swallowed hard and fisted my hands until my knuckles turned white, my jaw started to ache, and my heart echoed in my ears.

"Do you think it's true?" I choked out, louder than I expected. The librarian and people studying next to me shot me annoyed looks.

"C'mon. Let's get outta here," Alice muttered, grabbing my hand and dragging me out of the room quickly.

"I knew it," Alice snarled at my phone once we were out in the open grounds. "I _knew_ he would do this."

"Do you even _know_ Jessica… or how much bullshit she comes up with?" I asked through my teeth.

Alice flipped her hair back. "Maybe not, but this _is_ the sort of thing he would do."

"And you never told me. I didn't think he would cheat on me."

"I'm so sorry, Bella." Alice touched me gently on the arm and I shook it off and started running back into the dormitory.

"What are you doing?" she panted.

"Going to Boston and finding out for myself," I answered in a clipped tone.

"Now? Bella, are you out of your mind? I don't care if it only takes two hours to get there; we have exams next week!"

Once I got to the fourth floor of the dorm, I took out my overnight bag and started to throw clothes in.

"I guess I'll call the airlines," Alice sighed.

"You're a lifesaver." I smiled in relief.

"But you're coming back before next week, or we're going to fail. There's an important seminar coming up."

"Taking notes for a few days isn't going to kill you, you know," I grumbled.

"I'm taking time off too because I'm coming with you. If what Jessica says is true, I'm going to kick my brother's ass personally for you."

I took a resigned sigh and lay on my bed, waiting for Alice to organize our flight. I was no good at those things.

I didn't know why I was panicking so much. Haven't I already decided that if he wanted to go, I would let him? I stared that the darkening sky and felt tears rolling down my face silently. I had to be strong and be prepared for his rejection.

"Your flight is at nine tomorrow morning. But why all the hurry?"

I stared blankly at Alice and wiped my tears away. "I need to know what happened," I told her plainly.

"He's not that important, Bella." Alice rolled her eyes at me and smiled.

"I love him with all my heart," I said forcefully. "And nothing can change that."

"Did he ever say it back?" she asked sceptically

I nodded and Alice stared at me in disbelief.

The next morning I woke up with a start. I brushed my teeth meticulously and got dressed into my usual plain t-shirt and skinny jeans.

"Nah uh. You're so not wearing that." Alice glared at me, leaning at the doorway.

"Yeah. I am," I said in a clipped tone.

"Look, I bought you a dress on the weekend. Why don't you wear that?" she sounded upset.

"Alice, please," I begged, "I don't want to make a scene."

"Pack it, then. In case Edward wants to spend a day or two with you, okay?"

I watched unhappily as Alice fold the dress neatly into my bag.

The drive to the airport was quiet. I was contemplating on how to face Edward. I was scared of his reaction. Would he be pleased, or would he tell me to fuck off and die? I didn't know. I knew that I loved him, and that I would never want anyone else. Ever.

All this worrying boiled down to one simple fact; I was afraid.

Underneath it all, the love and need I felt for him terrified me. Just that one text from Jessica had brought up all my insecurities, making me doubt what Edward said he felt for me. My world would never be complete without Edward in it, and I was so afraid of it ending so quickly.

Alice and I were travelling light, so we could manage to hand hold everything. My stomach was fluttering with butterflies and anxiety and nervousness as the plane began to descent slowly into Albany International Airport. I had never been there, and it would take around an hour to reach Massachusetts by taxi. Even with the relatively short period of anticipation, it felt as if this moment had taken a second to arrive.

I wrung my hands, hoping to get rid of my shaky fingers.

The worst Edward could do was rejecting me. I had never felt this emotionally spent before.

What was I going to do, or say? I had no idea. But at least Alice was here with me. It was comforting.

As the plane landed, my heart began to pound impossibly harder. I took a deep breath to calm myself as the captain announced our arrival.

I heaved my bag over my shoulder and waited for Alice. We walked together silently, and I had a sudden urge to pee. _You're just nervous, Bella. After you talk to Edward, everything will be clear,_ I told myself, but my stomach didn't buy it. I felt like vomiting.

"You're green, Bella," Alice observed. "Breathe."

"I am," I gasped as our taxi arrived.

"Cambridge, Massachusetts," Alice directed the taxi driver as I lay back on the leather seat and looked out at the blue sky, calming myself while Alice held my hand.

"If you vomit and it gets on me, you're going to pay for my Levi's and top," Alice told me, and I smiled at her.

"I won't," I told her, but I wasn't feeling any better.

The Harvard campus was magnificent. I stood in amazement at the large towering buildings that have stood for centuries. How was I going to manage finding Edward here?

My fingers were shaking as I texted Jessica.

_Do you know where Edward is?_

She replied quickly. _Duh. He's with us at the library. Were you hoping he'd get back to you quickly? Not a chance, bitch._

"Library," I panted to Alice. "He's at the library."

"Let's go then," Alice said. "Do you know which section he's in?"

I shook my head, but knowing Edward, I knew he would be in the anatomy section.

"Search on level two, and I'll do this floor, okay?" Alice whispered to me.

"Okay." My forehead was sticky and sweaty, and I was trembling, knowing how close to him I already was.

My breath caught as I saw him sitting at the table with Tanya and Jessica. Jessica was touching Edward's arm, and he smiled back lazily at her. Tanya was basically breathing on his neck. I could feel bile starting to come up my throat as I felt my heart crack into a million pieces. I gasped as my head swirled, dizzy with disturbing images.

He heard my gasp and looked up. I forced my eyes to tear away from his, and I ran out as fast as I could. _Where was the exit?_ I thought frantically.

I had forgotten the entrance Alice and I had come in, but as soon as I saw a door, I bolted.

**EPOV**

I felt sick with guilt, letting Tanya and Jessica warm up to me, but I knew I couldn't fight them. _Just ignore them Edward_, I told myself. I fixed my eyes on the book I was reading and ignored Jessica's stupid fucking giggling. I heard a gasp, and I felt Jessica tense.

My head shot up, and I saw a blur of long mahogany hair rush out of the room. My thoughts turned to Bella, but I knew it couldn't be her. If it was, she would've run into my arms and never let go, not run away.

It was then I realised the two people I was sitting with, and what they were doing.

I jumped out of my seat and followed her footsteps, while my brain searched for reasons why she would be here.

"Bella!" I shouted once I was out of the building.

I scanned the sea of students, and found Bella sitting down against the wall, her head in her hands. _NO!_ My heart screamed. I had to make this right. She couldn't possibly think I could do that to her, could she?

"Bella. Bella, please! Listen to me," I begged, kneeling down beside her.

I heard her sigh, and she smiled at me. It wasn't a happy smile. It was one of pain and surrender, and I felt my heart break.

"No Edward. It's okay if you thought the last couple of months were a joke, but it wasn't like that for me, okay?" Bella mumbled in anguish, and I yearned to have her in my arms, but I was afraid she was going to run away, and never come back.

"Bella. Please. It wasn't like that." My voice cracked and I started to hyperventilate. What if she refused to forgive me?

"Okay." She closed her eyes. "That's fine. If you thought our relationship wasn't like that, and wasn't going to work, why didn't you tell me?"

She had taken my words in the wrong direction. She stood up, and I followed suit in case she started running again.

"No. I didn't meant that," I said, "I was talking about –"

Bella interrupted me. "You know what? It's okay. I don't need to know. I could tell you were happy being with Jessica and Tanya. I'm done here."

My ears felt disconnected with my body. What was she talking about? Did she think we were over? "Bella, please believe me. It wasn't like that with Jessica or Tanya."

Bella forced a pained laugh. "Yeah, it wasn't them? So you were with their twins then. Or I was imagining it. My bad. I'm sorry I didn't know that."

She turned away and started to head towards the school gate. I grabbed her by the arm and spun her around into my chest. She couldn't escape through my arms enveloped around her body.

"Let me go, Edward!" she screamed and started to thrash around. "Just…just leave me alone. That's all I want."

"No," I told her, resisting the urge to press my lips to hers.

"I'm done with this, Edward! I don't know why you took so long to tell me."

"Tell me why you're here," I whispered in her hair. It was too good to be true.

"Jessica sent me a text to tell me what happened yesterday." She sobbed brokenly into my chest. My arms tightened around hers, and I felt my heart ache.

"Nothing happened yesterday," I answered her immediately. All I had done was prepare for my classes and revise my notes.

"Okay. I don't care!" Bella said, still struggling against me.

"You're not going to leave," I said. She was mine, and nothing could ever change that.

"Alice is here, Edward. You better not let her see me like this," Bella threatened, and I let her go, backing away. Alice would kill me.

"Bella," I began again, "I love you." My words were intensified by the emotion in my voice. I hoped Bella would notice.

"I wouldn't do anything like that to you. You're my forever," I said, my jaw tight as tears threatened to fall. She had to believe me.

My eyes fell to her wrist, at the silver bracelet she was still wearing. Bella felt my eyes on her hand, and her eyes narrowed and started to take it off.

"No. Bella, no," I gasped as I shook my head furiously. My heart was going to break the moment she took it off.

"You deserve happiness. Whatever you want…with whomever you want. Good bye, Edward," she said, as her voice seemed so far away. She walked towards me and handed me my love for her.

I saw her running out, and I started to take off after her, but I felt a pair of small hands on my back, and I stopped dead.

"You heard her, Edward," I heard my half sister's voice behind me.

"You don't fucking understand, Alice!" I shouted at her.

"I do. I saw the text. And Bella had no reason to believe you. You had your chance. And you screwed it up." Alice told me in a deadly voice.

"What text? From whom?" I pressed.

"From that Jessica bitch you were with!" she snapped back, "so don't tell me that she was lying."

"Alice, please. Let me talk to her," I pleaded, trying to keep my anger in check about Jessica and her harmful ways. "She needs to know the truth."

"She knows it. And quit acting, you selfish bastard." Alice snapped at me with venom in her tone. I flinched back.

"She's going to get lost here. I'll help her get around here." It was a lousy excuse and I knew I was grasping at straws.

"Do you think she'll want to stay here after what happened? How could you?" she shrieked.

"I can," I said boldly, "because I love her, and I need her to know the truth. I missed her like hell here. This place is shit without her. Please, Alice. Give me one more chance."

"So Edward Cullen hurts a little. Did you know how much she loved you? Or how much she cared for you? I told her to call you yesterday to check if it was true, and all she said was _Edward's going to be tired after his first day. He needs his sleep_."

That was how I felt about Bella, too. I was always scared I would wake or disturb her, so I didn't call her often. I wondered if it was then that I started to fuck up everything.

"One chance. That's all I'm asking for," I told Alice firmly. "Give me one chance. I won't mess it up again, regardless."

Alice grimaced at me. "You know, if you weren't my brother, I wouldn't be doing this for you."

"Thank you so much." I wrapped my arms around my half sister's tiny frame.

"I need to use your phone to call Bella," Alice said.

"That's fine." I was just so relieved. The only thing I had to do now was to get things straight once and for all. If Bella wanted me to leave Harvard, I would. There was nothing I wouldn't do for her anymore, except if she wanted to let me go.

"Bella, it's Alice," I heard Alice say.

There was a short silence. "Yes. He's here with me."

Another pause. "He wants to apologize and say some things to you. Yeah, and I think he's sincere about this, Bella. He's really upset."

I threw Alice a thankful glance, and she rolled her eyes.

"Tonight? We'll go to Antonia's Deli and meet Edward there okay? No sweat."

"Okay. I'm on my way." Alice snapped my phone shut and threw it back at me.

I caught it instinctively and asked, "Where're you going?"

"We're having dinner together tonight. Sort of like a catch up session, okay? Don't screw this up for Bella." Alice shot me a warning glance. "And it's Bella who chose the restaurant. I don't care if you don't eat Italian. All you have to do is talk and keep your ass to your seat."

I smiled. "Thank you, Alice."

She smiled back reluctantly. "You're welcome. But you need to loosen up a bit and calm the fuck down when you talk to her."

"Aren't you the one who told me to stay away from her?"

Alice grinned knowingly. "I don't want to see my brother lose the best thing that ever happened to his life."

**BPOV**

"I hate this dress," I grumbled as Alice fixed my hair.

"I hate your attitude," Alice replied.

I acted as though I didn't hear her. "And I hate the make up. I look like a fucked up doll."

"You _are _a doll, but not fucked up."

"I'm going to look like a pig in this dress." I swallowed and looked down at my outfit. I couldn't believe I wanted to look good for Edward. I regretted lashing out those harsh and hurtful words at him, but I could never forget the pain and loss in his eyes as I ran away. Alice had chosen a short black dress with a fitted black suede blazer, and black high heels. I definitely looked like a girl tonight.

"Edward's going to love you in that dress." Alice smiled in the mirror, and I glared back at her, but my heart throbbed with anxiety, hoping that she was right.

I felt like I was missing something. Something big. My bare wrist looked naked and plain, and I wished I hadn't given my bracelet back to him. I was just so…so frustrated that I let the meanest, most hurtful things come out of my mouth, shouting at the person who honestly loved me and wanted me. I wasn't even angry at him letting Tanya and Jessica have their way. I wasn't even angry at them. I had the best part of Edward, the _real _part. We shared everything and were always constant. Every moment with him was to be treasured, and I had to make sure I would never forget them.

I had to make it right. I was the one who was going to apologize deeply tonight, and I hoped he would believe me and take me back.

"Edward's meeting us there?" I checked.

"Positive," Alice told me.

Edward's car wasn't there in the parking lot when we got in the restaurant, and I figured he might've gotten stuck in traffic.

"He's late," Alice scowled, scanning the tables.

"It's a good thing you made a reservation," I muttered, looking at the sea of customers already seated.

"Bella. He's there!" Alice whispered to me suddenly.

I turned around and saw him making his way towards us. His eyes focused on me like a caress, and I blushed.

"Bella," he whispered in my ear as he hugged me tightly. "I'm never going to let go again."

* * *

I'm posting early because I'm on my vacation right now... and probably because the Lakers are now MBA champs! WOOT!

Hope this chapter was worth the wait.

Thanks to all my readers and to my betas **robbsweetangel **and **remylebeauishot **for the help and advice.

Rachel x


	14. Up in the Air

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Up in the Air**

**One need not be a chamber to be haunted;****  
****One need not be a house;****  
****The brain has corridors surpassing****  
****Material place.**

**-****Emily Dickinson**

**EPOV**

It was still early in the morning when I woke up, but fucking perfection was lying next to me- and I was pretty fucking sure it wasn't an illusion. I leaned over Bella's beautiful naked body and gave her a soft kiss on her smooth forehead and tiptoed to the bathroom, still deep in thought.

I had learnt my lesson the hard and painful way and I was going to make sure I would make Bella happy for the rest of my time with her, hopefully forever. I had never been frightened of something more than the future. It was going to be bright and brilliant for Bella and I. Despite our distances apart, I was determined to see it through. In a couple of days, she would be gone and I would have to let her go. I would have to make the most out of these two days. We didn't have the best of both worlds. Alice did. I was jealous that she got to stay with Jasper wherever she went, as they had similar interests even in high school.

Bella was going to continue to study law at Princeton and I was doing medical at Harvard. I looked over to Bella, who was still sleeping peacefully on the bed where we had talked yesterday. _Really _talked. She told me all her insecurities and fears: that she wasn't good enough for me, that I'll end up falling for someone else at medical school, and that she'll always be waiting for me, no matter what I decide to do. She wished her parents were still alive so they could meet me.

Her wish made me realise I hadn't introduced my parents to her officially yet, despite the fact that we had been living under the same roof for over a few months. Of course I knew Carlisle and Esme adored Bella as much as Alice did, but I was sure they didn't know about us being together. I had at least five more months until I was able to visit Bella in New Jersey and my parents ,who were still living in Forks. My birthday was in a couple of months but I decided to not make a mess of things and keep quiet about it. Bella would have no idea when my birthday would be, and I didn't want to disturb her studies by asking her to celebrate it with me.

I wanted to live the simple life. It was the life path I had chosen.

I turned the shower on, calming myself by listening to the sound of the water running. I was still lost in thought about how amazing last night was when I realized there was someone watching me by the door.

"Hey," Bella said with a sexy smile.

I grinned back. "Hey."

"Having a shower?"

I threw my shirt on the floor. "Yeah."

"Mind if I join?" _Oh fuck_. That sexy smirk was back. I felt myself harden and groaned.

Bella came to me and pressed her warm hands to my chest, edging lower and lower. She tugged my boxers off and pressed against my throbbing erection, looking up at me and biting her bottom lip. I slid my hand under her tiny singlet and lifted it over her head.

I growled. She wasn't wearing a bra. How could I not have noticed before?

"You'd better be wearing panties." I warned her while pulling her shorts down.

She moaned and desire overpowered me. I yanked her panties from her and threw them aside. I kissed her fervently, cupping her face roughly. Our tongues laved with each other and I carried her into the shower. Her warm breath blew against my wet skin as I pressed her into the shower wall and leaned further into her, until the tip of my cock was touching her wet entrance.

I stared into her eyes, hoping that she wanted this, too. I didn't want her to regret it, even though we had already had sex once before. I could feel my need for her overpowering me, and I realised I had never wanted someone so badly in my life. I ran my nose against her, breathing in her sweet scent.

"Tell me you're mine." I told her, forcing her to maintain eye contact with me. "Tell me this is what you want, _who _you want."

"I'm yours." She gasped.

I held her steady against the wet surface and rubbed the tip of my throbbing cock across her slippery slit. We both moaned at the extreme teasing and I finally pushed deep inside her. She was so fucking tight and I tilted my body forwards to let myself slide further into her.

"This feels so fucking good. So fucking good." I grunted.

"I know." Bella panted.

I worked my cock in and out of her in a wild disjointed rhythm. I couldn't believe there was anyone in the world that could make me feel more animalistic than my girl. Our cries of pleasure were hushed; but just as I was about to come, I intertwined my fingers with hers.

"Look at me." Bella whispered, her breathing ragged. "I need you to look at me."

I turned my head down and locked gazes with her. I shot deep inside her and she screamed my name with a look of pure pleasure, as she came with me. Our bodies trembled and I held her tight, my arms fasting securely around her body. She rested her head on my chest and whispered a faint 'I love you'.

"I love you, too."

I kissed her forehead and turned the shower off.

Bella grinned at me and walked out of the bathroom, showing off her every curve.

"You're so fucking beautiful."

She blushed and I watched her get dressed.

"Where're we going today?" She asked.

"I don't know," I told her truthfully, "but if I could have my way, I would want to spend the day with you in bed."

Bella laughed. "Yeah. That'll be heaven, but I think Alice wants to go shopping, _again_."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah, probably. There's more stuff here than in New Jersey, I guess."

"Are you going to come with us?" she questioned me. "It's okay if you don't. I know you have classes today."

"Nah. I'll come. Screw the world. You're leaving in two days and I have to make the most out of it." I said, my hearting aching already.

"Edward?" I heard Bella whisper.

"Yeah?" I answered, wondering if I had said something wrong.

"Thank you." And then she ran forward to hug me tightly.

I didn't have to ask her what she meant. We both knew things were coming to an end, even just for a short period of time, and that we were still so up in the air I was afraid to think about things happening in a few days. Everything wasn't set, but I was going to try my damnedest to make it right. Right for my girl, and me. Forever.

I looked up at the clock, and my stomach flipped nervously, while running my hand over my hair. I glanced down at Bella nervously, who was fidgeting under my strong grasp. I had a sudden urge to vomit and cry at the same time.

"Bella," I took her face in mine and breathed into her face, our noses almost touching. As I inhaled in her unique scene, I knew I could never forget it as long as I lived.

"Edward." She gave me a sad smile with tears in her eyes and held my face in her small warm hands. I leaned into her and pressed my lips onto her soft ones gently.

"You have to go now," I said throatily. Our time was up.

Bella let go of me and walked towards the check in and scanning room. She turned around just as she was about to enter and I waved my temporary good bye.

"Don't forget me." I mouthed at her and wondered if she saw me as the crowd was thickening quickly.

Bella gestured me to come towards her, and I wondered if she had forgotten anything.

"What's wrong?" I asked, my eye brows furrowing automatically, searching for any signs of distress on her beautiful features.

Bella, however, stood up on her toes and whispered in my ear. "I'll never forget you. You're burned in me forever."

I smiled back through my tears and kissed my bracelet, which I had placed on her thin wrist, and watched as she headed towards her future. I shoved my hands into the pocket of my jacket as I turned to walk away.

**BPOV**

These past few days had been amazing. Edward had stayed with me every single minute of my time here, and we had both enjoyed every bit of it. Alice had left the day before and I was going to leave in a few minutes.

I was looking at the ground and shuffling my feet, unable to stand the awkward silence that hanged like death in the air between us. I couldn't think coherently and kept taking large gulps of air as my head was started to swirl.

"Bella," Edward said, ignoring my stray locks of hair for the first time and cupping my face gently. As always.

My stomach was full of butterflies. Drunken butterflies, it seemed. They felt so batty. 'Edward.' I answered, blinking my tears away and I managed to smile at him. He looked distressed and I reached up to press my small hands on his face, trying to comfort him. He leaned down and molded his lips into mine. It wasn't rushed; it wasn't hurried. It was soft, sweet and passionate.

He cleared his throat and choked out, "You have to go now."

I tightened my arms around him one last time and let go of him, heading towards the check in room. I turned back to look at him once more and saw him mouth something. _Don't forget me_. I didn't want to answer back by shouting across the sea of people and I gestured him to come to me.

"What's wrong?" His beautiful features were pained and I didn't want to leave him in any doubt.

I stood up on the tip of my toes and whispered breathily into his ear. "I'll never forget you. You're burned in me forever." I hoped that he could hear the sincerity in my voice.

He smiled back and kissed the bracelet he had given me, which was now a part of me, and let go. I didn't want to see him walk away from me, so I headed into the room and handed my passport to the security officer.

Alice squealed in delight and surprise as I made my way back into the dormitory. "You're back!"

"Yeah. I had to come back at some point," I rolled my eyes at her.

"I thought you would want to stay there with Edward." Alice suggested innocently.

I snorted. "What about school? What about my future?"

"Edward could manage that." She replied reasonably.

I sighed. "He could. Of course, he could. But I want to become a lawyer."

"Well, I want to become the editor of _Vogue_ or _Bazaar_." Alice said in a dreamy sort of voice.

I groaned, irritated by how many times she had told me this. "Why the fuck are you here then?"

"Jasper." She replied simply.

_Of course. _

"Well, you're just going to stick with me for a while then. C'mon, first session starts in ten minutes."

I packed my bags and left with her.

"Jasper's thinking about joining the forces." Alice said, making small talk on the way to Building C.

I stared at her. "Armed forces?"

"Yeah."

"You can't go with him then. If he decides to join, he'll probably come back a year later and only visit for a few days and then leave again. You'll have to keep in touch with him only by mail. And I mean _mail_, not email."

I knew a lot about the Army as Charlie had joined them while I was over with Renee in Florida. When my mother had died, Charlie had to resign and became the chief of police so that I would have someone to take care of me.

"Wow. Like in those stupid movies?" Alice breathed.

I snorted. "Yeah, I guess. But they aren't stupid. I don't even have an email account."

**One month later**

_Where was she?_ I had only paid about two hours of attention to Professor Varner's lecture and when I had looked to see what Alice was doing, she was gone. I shook my head. She was never one for lectures. Or anything else apart from fashion, it seemed.

"Where the _hell_ were you?" I snapped at Alice when I found her lying on her bed, drawing designs of dresses while humming quietly to herself.

"Got bored," she replied.

I rolled my eyes.

"You've got mail," she added, turning back to look at me.

I walked slowly to my desk and there sat a plain white envelope with the word _Bella_ written on the front. I dropped my book satchel to the floor and picked up the letter with trembling hands; my heart hammering loudly in my chest. There was no mistaking the beautiful calligraphy. The letter was from Edward.

_Dearest Bella,_

_I don't have as much time as I would like to write, or talk on the phone with you but I miss you more than you could possibly know. There are only four more months _to_ go until I can come home and see your beautiful face. _

_I can't wait to be able to hold you tightly in my arms and kiss you, and tell you just how much I love you. I love you more than just words on this piece of paper. It just never seems to be enough._

_Please write back and tell me you are okay._

_Forever yours, _

_Edward_

I walked to my bed and lay down, holding the letter and re-reading it, smiling.

It had been a month since we had parted in the airport ,and it seemed like forever since I had seen his handsome face. There were four more months to go, just like he had reminded me in his letter and I was already anticipating his return.

_Please write back and tell me you are okay, _he had written.

I felt a tear slide down my face and I wiped it away with my hand before it could reach the precious letter I was holding. I walked into my closet and flipped open our graduation photo book and stared into his joyful green eyes and his smile. There was nothing in the world that was more perfect than he was.

"Do you have a piece of paper somewhere?" I asked Alice.

"In my drawer," she replied.

I placed the paper on my desk and reached for my pen and began to write.

**EPOV**

"What is it?" I asked Emmett, annoyed by the impish grin planted right across his face.

"I proposed." He said, still grinning like a five year old kid on Christmas morning. "And Rose said yes."

My eye brows shot up. "She said yes?" I shook my head in disbelief. "What the fuck did you do to trick her into that?"

Emmett laughed. "Yeah ,bro. Aren't you gonna congratulate me or my ass?"

I shook my head and grinned at him. "Nope. Not even your dick, bitch. I bet that's the best feature of you and that's why Rose agreed."

"Nope. She _loves _me, dear brother. And I love her." He walked into my kitchen and began to raid my fridge.

"Dude, what the fuck are you doing?"

"You honestly don't have any ice cream in your house, do you?" He stared at me in disbelief.

"Why would I?" I growled at him.

Emmett sighed. "Edward. When's the last time you spoke to Bella?"

It was my turn to sigh. "I don't know. And don't you fucking dare ask me to call her now. She's tired."

"Look. It's only four more months, and then you can see her again. How long is four months anyway?"

I _think_ he meant that to be a rhetorical question. "It depends. Four months of heaven and four months of hell are two _entirely _different things."

My half brother plopped onto my couch and flipped through the channels while eating a bagel that was hooked on his ring finger. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?"

"What if she changes her mind, Em?" I whispered softly and felt my heart aching again, still looking down as I voiced out my biggest fear aloud. I'd heard and read so many stories about life in universities, and how it was where most people found love- true love. She would still be my Bella, but would I mean the same to her as she meant to me? Would I fly all the way to New Jersey to find her happy and introducing me to a man she loved? I wasn't sure, and I hated this doubt I was having. I was supposed to trust Bella. In my heart, I knew I did, but things were never this simple. If both of us were happy right now, we would be together, not apart.

"Edward, stop this shit and stop trying to doubt yourself. She's Bella, your best friend, your girlfriend, and she loves you," Emmett groaned, switching off the television and turning around to glare at me. "What part of 'I love you' don't you understand?"

"Things can change." I said, biting my lip- a habit I had picked up from Bella when she was nervous.

"Look. You sent the letter and she will reply. If you don't get anything in five days, you can pick a gun and shoot me."

'I'll be holding you to that,' I warned him, half joking, half angry that he dared risk his own life. Of course, I wasn't going to shoot him. He was like a brother to me. He _is _my brother, and has been since I was two. But I had always held the weight of the world on my shoulders, and he was the one who only studied the night before the exam, so carefree and jubilant. All the time. And now he had gotten his forever with Rose, which was going to be the second proposal since Ben, my roommate. I didn't know how to shake off the awful feeling and start being happy like Emmett. It just wasn't _me_. I was always uptight, and hardly ever free. If I was to be truthful to myself, the only times I felt the weight lifted from my chest was when I was with Bella. With Bella, everything was much easier and felt like everything was clear, which was what truly being in love had taught me.

**Three days later**

'Edward!' Professor Richardson called, bringing me back to reality.

'Sorry, sir,' I muttered, flipping open my textbook to the right page and looked down, pretending I was reading but in fact I was wondering if I would receive Bella's letter today. My knee bounced and Tanya shot me a dirty look. She had never quite forgiven me ever since she realised I still harboured deep feelings for Bella when I had run out of the library. But the truth was there was nothing to forgive.

I looked up at the clock and started counting down the seconds.

_Ten…nine…eight…seven…six…five…four…three…two…_And then I was out of my seat.

Two more fucking days of this routine would drive me crazy.

I arrived at the doorstep just as I saw the postman arrive, and skidded to a stop.

"Sir, is there anything there for me?" I panted.

The postman looked surprised by being addressed directly and he nodded. "Mr Cullen?"

"Yes, that's me."

He looked through the letters in his hand and handed one to me. "Good evening."

I smiled back. "Good evening."

My heart pounded as I rushed to the fifth floor. I fingered the scrawl of the name _Edward_ on the front of the envelope. It _had_ to be from Bella. There was no mistaking the handwriting. I peeled the adhesive off carefully and pulled out the letter gently. I went into my room and locked the door behind me and went to lie on my bed.

_Dear Edward,_

_Thank you so much for your letter. The absence of your arms around mine, your kisses, and your love has taken half of me away with you, in more ways than you could ever imagine. _

_There was always one thing I struggled to understand ever since we had been together. How do you tell someone just how much they mean to you? Is it possible to express that kind of love and devotion so that person would never have to question and doubt again? _

_I wouldn't know. I am so new with this foreign feeling. And what scares me about that feeling is how it consumes me- completely and entirely; my body shakes with it. _

_I wished we lived in a world where things were simpler, where one plus one does equal two. I wish I had studied harder at school, and gained high enough scores that going to Harvard with you would be possible. I want you to understand that no matter where you are, no matter if you are on the other side of the world, I will be waiting for you. Waiting forever for you to come back. _

_I heard about Rose and Em's news, and their happiness. I wish it would be like that one day for us. But if you can't love me the same in that way, I understand. I really, truly understand. All I want is you to be happy. When you're happy, I'll be happy, no matter what it takes. Take the weight off your shoulders and listen to me. I will be here waiting for you. I know you may not come back, and that is okay. You have your future. _

_I am trying my hardest at Princeton, and mastering everything I can possibly manage. I have just received an honors award and may graduate sooner than I thought it was possible. I want to be enough for you, smart enough for you, to be as successful as you. _

_With all my heart and love,_

_I love you,_

_Bella_

I reread the letter about a hundred times, my smile getting wider and wider. _She wants me. She was waiting for me. _I had never had a girl chase me like that before. Those girls who had just wanted me for sex had all given up and left me once they knew I was going to move to New York. But, Bella was different. Different because she wasn't one of them. She was my girl, and was going to my girl forever. Nothing about that was going to change- I was going to make sure of it.

I jumped off my bed and switched on my desk lamp. With shaking fingers, I began to write again.

It took me double the length of time to write this letter than my first one. There was a lot I had to write. I had to tell her what her absence was doing to me. But, my most important point was to tell her how _proud_ I was of her. She was smart, and possibly way brighter than me; so I had to convince her she could always reach for the stars, and would reach them eventually. I had to mention her insecurities, and how similar they were to mine. I could be turning into a woman, but it didn't matter. All that mattered would be the effect.

I was surprised she had mentioned Emmett's proposal. What did she mean- that it would be like that one day for us? Did she want that? My heart pounded hard in my chest as I envisioned her in a wedding dress as I kissed her softly in front of a crowd, in front of my proud parents, Carlisle and Esme. It wasn't like it was the first time I had thought about proposing to her, but I knew I wouldn't be able to do it just yet. Bella hasn't even officially met my parents yet, never mind anything else.

Was Bella feeling insignificant because I was going to med school and mix with girls? I shook my head at her naïve thoughts. We have been through the same thing. We both didn't have parents in real life. How did I not realize how insecure she felt sometimes? I had some nailing to do. To make sure my girl never doubted me again in her life.

I folded the paper gently, creased it carefully in the middle, and placed the letter in an envelope, sealing it.

It was the middle of the night by now, so I would send my letter to Bella in the morning. It was a good thing I didn't have a class then.

My phone rang and I picked it up, wondering who would be calling me in the dead of the night.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Edward?" Oh, God. It was Bella.

"Bella? Bella, love? Is that you?" I couldn't believe my ears.

"It's me." She replied, giggling.

"What are you doing waking up so early?"

"Something like that. I just…I _miss_ you." She lowered her voice and my heart sank.

"Baby, I miss you, too." I said. "I wish I was holding you right now. You always fall asleep when I'm lying next to you."

"I know." And then she sighed. "Today's Valentine's Day. And you know…I just want to wish you well with your friends."

Oh. My. God. I had completely forgotten about Valentine's Day. "Bella, love. I'm so sorry I'm not going to be there to celebrate with you. I completely forgot." I felt so bad about it. Was she expecting something from me? My stomach did a back flip at that thought.

"It's okay, Edward." She soothed me.

"It's _not _okay, Bella. I just can't believe it." I had been a complete ass. What if she decided to spend it with one of her friends - Jacob for instance?

"And I'm not celebrating with anyone else, so don't even start it." She warned, teasingly.

"You read my mind."

"It's a good thing we think alike." She said thoughtfully.

"I know. And how many days 'til we see each other again?" I asked.

"Just less than a hundred now…I think." She replied sadly.

I sighed.

It was going to be a very long few months.

* * *

Many hugs and kisses to my betas **robbsweetangel**and **ruthperk**.

Thank you to all the readers and reviewers – I love you all madly. Sorry if I haven't replied to you for reviewing but I've been a little busy this week.

xx


	15. Birthday Surprises

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Birthday Surprises**

'**There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.'- ****Friedrich Nietzsche**

**EPOV**

"You know what they say about people who sleep only two hours a day." Emmett teased me, nudging me playfully on the shoulder.

I took a big gulp of vodka. "Shut the fuck up, you dick." I looked around the pub and my head whirled. Maybe I had taken too much to drink. I suddenly felt like I was turning into a woman. Shit.

"Only stating the facts, little bro. You hardly even see daylight anymore because you spend half your time in that damn library," my half brother said, as he eye fucked a blonde girl dancing. "It's not like they have any _porn_ collections there, right? No one researches about that kind of stuff, right?"

"Except you. Do you have any idea how fucking obvious you are?" I asked him. He looked like a love sick puppy and I could imagine him starting to pant in a few seconds.

Emmett grumbled. "Don't you dare tell Rose about this, or I'll fucking kill you."

I ignored him. "I'll kill you first if you did do that shit. You're fucking married for God's sake."

Emmett snorted. "Yeah, athe age of twenty three. And I'm proud of it, man. I'm gonna start a big happy family soon and you'll be jealous in no time."

"Oh yeah? Good luck with that. It looks to me like Rose is more interested in working hard than having a baby right now," I scorned him. "I'm pretty damn sure she doesn't want people to assume she's married because she got fucking knocked up." Was he fucking kidding me? If Rose and Emmett had children, I might as well get out of the country before I became some fucking nanny or something.

I looked around, wanting to distract myself in case my thoughts returned to Bella…and babies. I didn't know what to think of it yet. I wasn't ready and neither was she, but it wasn't like I hadn't thought about it either. The future for us held so many different possibilities. And only about half of them involved both of us. Girls in the pub at night were completely drunk and animalistic but for the first time in my life, I wasn't interested in _any_ of them. Not one. Not any. Even Emmett was having a hard time ignoring the skanky blonde bitches I knew he would want to fuck if he hadn't found Rosalie.

"Why aren't you dancing?"

I shrugged and looked back down at the wooden table. 'I don't know. Just don't fucking feel like it, I guess."

Emmett sighed. "Is it Bella?"

I nodded and felt my heart skip a beat. I was unable to deny it. "You know I love her, Emmett. I wouldn't do this to hurt her, even though she would never know anyway. And I've had enough of those girls, okay? They belong in the past. I don't even fucking remember any of their names, much less where they are _now_."

The conversation was getting uncomfortable now and Emmett could sense it.

"Wanna catch a cab home? Don't forget, you have class tomorrow morning," he offered, standing up.

"Yeah. Bunk on my couch tonight. And don't worry – I have blankets. I'm sick of having no company." _Except for Bella's letters of course._

"Sure. I'm planning to crash at your place for a bit anyway." He pushed the door open and we headed out in the dark. "It's much more crowded than Forks."

"And don't even think about raiding my fridge – it's basically empty." I said with an evil grin.

Emmett stopped walking and groaned. "Aw, man! Are you kidding me?"

"If you want to go to the shops, I'll give you directions, but I won't give you directions back to my house so screw your plans. You ate enough already anyway." Two plates of lamb and potatoes were surely good enough for my brother. I couldn't even finish one plate for fuck's sake.

"I'm gonna fucking _starve_ here," Emmett finally grumbled.

'I'm counting on that,' I laughed and nodded. "It's time you lose some goddamn weight, or people might start assuming it's _you_ who's pregnant."

Emmett flicked me off while I laughed at him, ignoring the wary looks of the people nearby.

* * *

"YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" Emmett shouted in my ear, early in the morning.

"What?" I mumbled, rubbing my eyes, my voice still thick with sleep.

Emmett chucked it at my head. "I think it's from Bella."

I shot out of bed at these words and rushed into the bathroom to get dressed quickly. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it in my head as I brushed my teeth. I had only sent her my letter yesterday. She wouldn't have received it yet, right? Then why was she writing another one? Was she sick? Did she need help? Did she need me? I pondered on the last question for a while.

I pulled on my shorts and walked over to where the letter lay on my table.

"Impatient, are you?" Emmett said while crunching on a chocolate bar and watching TV.

I ignored him and carefully opened the letter to reveal Bella's beautiful handwriting.

_Dear Edward_

_How's everything going? I know you must be wondering why I sent this letter so quickly but I just realised it is going to be your 19__th__ birthday this Saturday. I want to wish you all the best and hope you will have a wonderful party with Emmett and your friends at college. _

_It's less than one hundred days now and I'm going to keep counting until the moment I see your beautiful face, trust me!_

_I wish I could be able to come see you on your special day, and maybe bake your favourite cake for you and we could spend some time together. Exams are tomorrow and I hope there wouldn't be homework so I am able to visit you after all. _

_I love you and I hope it will be possible to see you this Saturday._

_Bella_

"Oh my," I whispered faintly.

"What's going on, Edward?"

"Nothing." I grinned at him widely and started laughing at Emmett's dumbfounded expression.

He shook his head furiously. "No shit, man. It's probably something like Bella decided that you weren't such a miserable ass and won't go out with Mr McHottie after all."

I grimaced and my heart sank. "I'm not being a very good boyfriend to her, or even a good friend." Bella had done everything that was possible so we could have some time together every day. I didn't even have to think about it.

"Even a piece of dog shit is better than you," Emmett agreed.

But I wasn't just a piece of dog shit. I was a massive stinking pile of it and I could feel it. It's just that I have been so _busy_ that I had completely forgotten my girl, never mind my damn fucking birthday. _Busy isn't an excuse, Edward_, I told myself, not when there was someone special out there who got into so much trouble for someone like me.

I hung my head and sighed.

"Are Mum and Dad coming here to celebrate with you? On your birthday, I mean."

"Pretty sure they are. Rose is coming too, right? And Alice and Jasper…maybe." I added, ticking them off with my fingers.

"Anyone from college?"

I hesitated as I wasn't sure who I would invite. "Angela and Ben. Probably." At least I trusted them.

"No Tanya, okay? She's a bitch," Emmett declared.

"No Tanya," I rolled my eyes and promised. It wasn't a good feeling when your brother thought so little of you.

* * *

**2 days later**

I looked at myself in the mirror, seeing the same dishevelled hair and ordinary clothes and tired eyes that made me look like a homeless person. I was feeling jittery in the stomach for reasons I didn't know. Surely it wasn't because it was my birthday today. I was _never_ excited about that shit. It was just an ordinary day usually, but I hadn't seen my parents or Rose or Alice or Jasper in ages. I almost _missed_ them. I never wanted any of them to give me presents. It just made me feel guilty because I never gave gifts to anyone except for Bella. _I just wanted to see Bella as a present_, I thought. It would be a dream come true.

The door bell rang and I called Emmett to open it for me.

"Jazz!" I heard him exclaim, surprised. "So fucking good to see you, man. Edward's a mess. Thank God I have someone else for company now."

"Oh really?" Jasper replied. "Carlisle and Esme are on their way. They shouldn't be long."

I slammed my bedroom door shut and headed down to see what Emmett was up to. I nodded at Jasper. "I don't know why you decided to come here. It's not like I have a cake or anything."

"Rose took care of that." Jazz winked at me and I shrugged.

"Fine. Just don't fuck up this place. I don't have a maid to clean up party shit."

By the time Carlisle and Esme came in and greeted me, Rosalie was already done setting up food and decorations. It was getting ridiculous.

"Say, is Alice going to turn up at all?" Carlisle asked Jasper.

I tensed, waiting for his answer.

"Yeah. She should be arriving in ten minutes or something."

"Is Bella with her?" I croaked, my heart clenching so tightly it was hard to breathe.

Jasper stared at me and opened his mouth to form the words, but I could already tell what the answer was by his apologetic eyes.

"Forget it." I had no appetite anymore and stood up to head back up to my room. All the waiting was for nothing.

"No, Edward. Please, Bella would want you to enjoy your birthday and be happy." Esme pleaded, gesturing me to sit back down.

"I don't want to be happy without her," I answered stiffly, and left the room.

I heard someone knock on the door but I was still wallowing in my disappointment and I didn't bother to greet Alice.

"Happy Birthday, Edward!" Alice shouted through the walls.

"Yeah thanks," I shouted back.

I heard my door open and I jumped up immediately.

"Don't you fucking dare –"

Shit, it was only my mom. "Edward, honey, none of us want you to be unhappy. Come join us in the living room. Emmett wants to play cards or something."

I grumbled. "No."

"Come on," she insisted. "We have presents for you."

Was this going to get any easier? "And I'm a fucking five year old, right? No, thanks."

"Edward, honey, please. Everyone's waiting downstairs for you."

I groaned. I could never disappoint my mother. It would be like spitting in her face.

Esme smiled and ruffled my hair. "I think you need a haircut, sweetheart. You're getting a little messy."

* * *

"I suck at cards," Emmett whined.

"We could try darts. Everyone can play darts," Jazz said reasonably.

I was the best at darts. I started the game, throwing an impressive triple twenty and Emmett growled at me.

"What?" I teased. "Can't stand a little competition for once?"

Just as Emmett was about to throw, the door bell rang and I was frozen to my spot. _No way_. _No fucking way_. My heart started to thump loudly and I bet everyone in the room could hear it.

Alice coughed nervously and hid her smile. "I think you better answer that, Edward, and see for yourself."

My heart was thumping harder and faster than ever in my chest as I ran to the door and flung it wide open.

"Edward," Bella breathed, and moved slowly towards me. I crushed her to my chest and pressed my lips tightly to hers. And for a second, I didn't care that my family was watching, and I didn't care that Carlisle and Esme were looking puzzled and confused by my reaction. She was here. My girl was here, and that was all that mattered.

"You're here," I whispered in her hair. I still couldn't fucking believe it.

"I'm here," she said, her face splitting into a huge grin. "I love you."

Fuck, I did not deserve this girl. She was simply amazing.

"I made you a cake," she smiled and I shook my head in disbelief.

I growled, "Oh no, you didn't." What the hell? Why was everyone treating me like a five year old girl?

"Yeah. I did. It's your favourite- Black Forest."

"Thanks Bella!" I heard Emmett shout in the background. "It's about time the cake arrived."

My girl giggled and I hugged her tighter.

"Come in." I held her hand in mine and led her to the dinner table.

"Wow. So you _rented_ this place?" she asked, her eyes wide.

"Yeah." I answered, trying to sound offhand.

"I'm so proud of you," Bella said, squeezing my hand and I felt the weight in my heart lift a little. She was _proud_ of me. "You work so hard to achieve everything."

"Edward?" Esme asked, standing by the wall and smiling at us.

I jumped at the sound of her voice and I shifted slightly so Bella could see Esme. "Hi Mom," I greeted her.

"Is there something I ought to know?" I was relieved that there was a smile in her voice, not suspicion.

"Mum, this is Isabella, but she prefers to be called Bella. Bella Swan. She's my girlfriend." I decided to do this the right way. "I've been with her for a while and I missed her a lot so we decided to keep in touch by writing letters." I looked down at Bella and we smiled at each other as I tightened my grip on her waist.

For once, everything seemed perfect.

**BPOV**

I was ninety nine percent sure I was going to fail my examinations today. Not because I didn't study. I did, but it was because Edward was stuck in my mind and I couldn't push him out of my brain – no matter what the circumstances were.

Alice groaned. "Look – are you or aren't you going to see Edward tomorrow? Because if you are, I'll be there. If you aren't, I'll still be there."

I sighed and rumpled my hair slightly, a habit I had learnt from Edward. "I really want to be there and surprise him, Alice. He deserves all the happiness in the world."

"Okay. Whatever. I don't care. He's my dumb brother so I can't really describe what he's really like."

I looked at her fiercely. "He's loving and caring. And he's considerate. He went through all this trouble for me. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here with you. I would have only applied for Washington."

Alice scowled. "True."

"Good luck on your exam," I added as we headed into the silent room.

"Good luck, too," she winked at me and I walked down the aisle of chairs and tables, searching for my seat.

* * *

"How do you think you did?" Alice asked me, making small talk as we made our way back to the dormitory.

I shrugged. "Dunno. Hope I did well."

"Of course you did. As for me, as long as I _passed_…" Alice grumbled.

"Mmm hmm," I mumbled absentmindedly, but I wasn't really listening to her. Now I had completed my exams and there was no homework on the weekend, I wanted to go see Edward. I wanted to bake him a cake and watch his face light up like a Christmas tree. I wanted to make love to him and tell him I loved him over and over until he was sick of me saying it. I wanted –

"Bella?" Alice said. "Did you just hear what I just said?"

"Ugh. No. Sorry."

Alice rolled her eyes. "I said that Jazz, Rose, and my parents will all be there to surprise Edward. I'm his sister, remember?"

"Okay," I said, my heart beating hard. What about me? I was only his girlfriend…

"I'm sure that Edward would _love_ to see you so you're gonna come with me, too. But like, later, as a surprise."

"Surprise?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Surprise birthday gift." Alice said. "I can just imagine the look on his face when he sees you."

I sighed. "I hope he'll be happy."

"Of course he will be. He bloody misses you and all he thinks about is you. It's a good thing you're bringing him a cake," Alice added.

Did I miss something? "Why? What happened?" I started to panic. Did he have an eating disorder and didn't tell me?

"He only sleeps about two hours a day, and he hardly ever eats because all he wants is to complete his courses as fast as he can and then he'll be free and will be able to go wherever he wants."

I groaned and blinked my tears away. "Why is he doing that to himself?"

"I don't know." Alice grinned evilly. "Find out tomorrow for yourself."

My stomach was full of butterflies and I couldn't wait. I shook my head at the image of him…thin and starved. No. It wasn't possible. Edward wouldn't do that to himself, right?

* * *

My arms and legs were shaking from anticipation and excitement. Just one more floor to go and I'll be able to see Edward's flawless face again. I started to wonder what I was going to say to him, and contemplated what his reaction would be.

I pressed a sweaty finger to the door bell and heard it ring once and then the door flew open. I heard Edward gasp out loud and I looked at him, stunned. I wasn't sure if the tears in my eyes were due to happiness or sadness, but I think it was a mixture of both. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked about five pounds thinner. It was a good thing I had brought a cake.

"Edward," I whispered, taking him in with my eyes. _What have you done to yourself?_

I didn't know who started moving first but in a second I was finally in his arms. He crushed my body against his and before I could rest my head against his head, he pressed his warm lips to mine. He looked at me with tear filled eyes.

"You're here," he said, and looked as though he could not believe his eyes.

"I'm here," I answered him. Oh, I was definitely here with his arms around me. "I love you."

"I made you a cake." I smiled at him and he shook his head.

"Oh no, you didn't!"

"Yeah! I did," I told him. "It's your favourite – Black Forest."

I heard Emmett yell out something but I wasn't sure what it was. I was looking for Edward's reaction to my being here.

"Come in." He held out his hand for mine and I reached out for him, giving his fingers a little squeeze.

The apartment block was amazing. I didn't know how much he had worked to earn enough to rent a place like this. The kitchen was grand and the living room even had a piano in it. "Wow. So you rented this place?"

He smiled. "Yeah."

Wow, I thought again. "I'm so proud of you. You've worked so hard to achieve everything."

"Edward?" someone asked, and I jumped at the sound. It was Esme.

Edward shifted slightly so Esme could see me better. He tried greeting her, sounding offhand again as he did before but Esme was smiling brightly with a knowing look in her eyes. I fidgeted nervously with the hem of my shirt.

"Is there something I ought to know?" she asked.

'Mum, this is Isabella, but she prefers to be called Bella. Bella Swan. She's my girlfriend. I've been with her for a while and I missed her a lot so we decided to keep in touch by writing letters.' Edward looked down at me and we smiled at each other and I felt his grip on my waist tighten.

"Let's go to my room," he whispered in my ear and I rolled my eyes. How mature of him, thinking these kind of things with his family around.

Esme looked at me, and Emmett whistled.

Yeah. It was going to be the best night ever.

* * *

Edward took his shirt off and threw it beside the bed as he walked over to me. His firm hard muscles were there, but I could almost see his ribs. Had he been starving? Wasn't there anyone home to cook for him? Probably not.

"What have you done with yourself?" I asked him brokenly, the energy of his party wearing off quickly.

"What?" His eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me. "What's wrong?"

I ignored his question and gulped. "You're….you're so _thin. _You looked like you're _starving _yourself or something. Doesn't anyone take care of you? Cook you anything?"

He shook his head. "Bella, I've been a wreck without you and I…"

"Edward, you can't do this. Don't fall apart so easily. You're stronger than this," I told him firmly. "Tell me about it."

"I drank myself into oblivion almost every night. It was the only way I could get some sleep without nightmares," he said.

"What were your nightmares about?" I whispered, not knowing whether I wanted to know the answer or not.

He looked uncomfortable but I encouraged him to go on with my pained eyes. "They were about you…leaving me. That I'll never see you again or anything."

I grimaced.

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I wish I could be better for you," he said softly. "I'm not being the best boyfriend, I know, but I'm _trying_ and I'll promise to make this work somehow."

I opened my mouth in shock. "So _that's _what you're worried about? That I might leave you one day?"

"I'm so sorry," he apologized again. For what? I didn't like this vulnerable Edward. I wanted to see the strong, calm, sure Edward I had come here for.

"Don't be. We all have our insecurities, yeah?"

"Yeah," he grinned.

I pulled him onto the bed and sucked on his bottom lip. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

He hovered on top of me and spread my legs apart. My breath hitched as he pulled down my panties in a rush. I brought my mouth back to his lips as he gently traced my collarbone, my breasts, and finally the entrance to my wet pussy with his long fingers. I dragged my fingers over his hard chest and he groaned. He eagerly yanked my dress down and his mouth and tongue was on my breast, sucking and nipping on my raised nipple, circling as much of the surrounding area as he could. I arched my back to allow him to gain more access. His eyes lifted to mine and I begged him to continue.

His mouth left mine and travelled downwards, his breath on my inner thigh as he ran his tongue from my knee higher up my leg. He placed feather kisses on my stomach just below my navel. It was sweet torture. I felt his hands on the inside of my thighs, spreading my legs wider apart as his warm mouth covered my wet entrance. I gasped and arched into him.

"Oh God," I panted.

"You taste so good."

My hands clenched the bed sheets and I felt like I was going to come any second.

"Let go, Bella." Oh fuck. That sexy tone and the continued sucking on my clit were driving me insane. I finally lost myself and came in his mouth.

"Edward," I breathed.

"How do you feel?" he asked me, his mouth now moving against mine.

"Fucking fantastic."

I wanted him so badly now. And I was sure he wanted me, too. I felt his tip press into my softness and I was so wet that he slipped in a little.

"Fuck, you're so tight," he moaned.

I lifted my hips and he thrust into me in one smooth movement. He felt big and amazing and I felt him hit every one of my sensitive spots.

"You feel amazing," I groaned.

I wrapped my legs around his waist tightly, making him slide deeper inside and causing me to release with a muffled scream. The look on his face as we came together was unforgettable. He came into me with warmth and passion, shooting his hot seed deep inside me.

"Are you alright?" Edward panted, brushing my hair back.

"No," I looked at his face and saw his concern. "Just perfect."

"I want to stay like this with you forever," he said, still holding me tightly to him.

"Me, too," I agreed. "Forever, and ever and ever."

* * *

Sorry there's a lot of overlapping. Promise it won't be as bad next time.

Thanks to all my readers and reviewers. Every review means a lot to me, and I'm sorry I still haven't replied to some of you.

Thanks to the people over at PTB especially **Wendy5542** and** AnotherJen**.

xx


	16. Fear and Pride

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. ****The original content, ideas and intellectual property of this story is owned by FrEeZeGiRL8000 (2010). **

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* * *

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**Fear and Pride**

'**Everything you can imagine is real'- Pablo Picasso**

**BPOV**

I woke up the day after Edward's birthday, my lips still tingling with the memory of his passionate kisses. Last night was the best evening of my life. I was pretty sure it was Emmett who had finished it all by himself, but I didn't care. All that mattered was that I was finally back here with Edward.

Except that there was a letter lying next to me instead of his glorious body.

_Dear Bella_

_I have just gone to the shops in the city to get breakfast. Don't panic and stay in the apartment. I don't want you to get lost._

_Love, Edward_

I smiled and placed the letter on his desk. It was a good thing he was getting breakfast because there was _nothing_ in his fridge apart from a couple of beers and vodka. I sighed. I needed to make sure he was feeding himself and being healthy again before I left or he would end up skin and bone. With nothing to do, I decided to turn on the TV and flip through the channels aimlessly, waiting for Edward to come back or Alice to text me.

_Where are you?_ I texted Alice, prompting her to start gushing about whatever she felt like talking about.

When I looked down again during the ads, there was another alert.

_Shopping with Esme and Jazz. I'll get you some new clothes later. Sorry for not telling you. I thought you were asleep or you could've come, too. This place is so big and so frickin' awesome I wanna scream out loud. Love Alice x_

I groaned. Of course there would be more varieties of shops with more clothes and Alice would be just ecstatic. I was sure the reason she came here with me was not because she wanted to celebrate Edward's birthday- I doubted she missed him at all, but it was because of her _love_ of shopping and fashion. It was completely ridiculous.

I jumped off the couch when I heard a loud knock on the door. Edward couldn't possibly be back so fast, but there was no one that would want to see him so early in the morning, I decided to answer the door.

My hand flew to my mouth in horror and surprise. More horror than surprise. "_Tanya_?"

"Ow." she groaned, stumbling through the doors, ignoring me while rubbing her ankles. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I…I'm visiting Edward. It was his birthday yesterday," I replied hastily, seeing suspicion clouding her eyes.

"And how come he didn't invite me?" she snapped. "Never mind. Just tell me where the fuck he is."

I sighed. "Why don't you come in?" I _thought_ it was a nice thing to ask.

"No, thanks. I still remember you, Bella Swan. Always the stupid nerdy sidekick of Edward's sister." She said, brushing back her blonde hair and straightening her clothes. _Designer_ no doubt, I thought.

I was stunned and had no idea what to say so I just waited. Waited for Edward to come back and waited for Tanya to start speaking.

"Let me tell you something," she said, her voice like shrapnel. A chill ran down my spine and I was scared of what she was going to do. Edward wasn't here to defend me. _Be strong, Bella_.

"Edward doesn't love you, you _got_ that?" she suddenly whispered deadly against my face, pressing her sharp and high stiletto heels into my stomach, pinning me to the wall so tightly I couldn't even gasp out in pain. It was a pain I had never endured before, despite being in many accidents including the one where my mother was killed. "And fuck, you might believe he does but he's such a good actor, isn't he? He's not afraid to hide his true feelings and all those _letters_ were _lies_."

Oh my God. How did she find out about the letters? I struggled against her and felt a hot sharp stab in my stomach and saw bright red stains appearing on my white t-shirt. Crap.

I gasped in pain and stared at Tanya's smirk with horror. She was going to kill me.

"How…how did you –" I stuttered, while taking deep breaths. I was going to faint. I could feel it.

Tanya backed away from me and laughed loudly, her voice echoing down the hallway. "How did I find out about those damn letters? Because he was once my customer at the post office and he didn't realise it was me behind the fucking counter. I could probably fucking disguise myself so well, even my friends wouldn't recognize me. You want to know _why_ you didn't get another reply? Because I took his letter, and I read what he wrote."

Tanya was now looking at me maliciously and I was cringing and edging back towards the sofa now, using all the energy I had left. _Don't believe her, Bella_, I told myself firmly. _All she wants is Edward._

"Get out," I said firmly yet weakly and I had no idea what possessed me to say it. Black spots were appearing in my eyes and I opened them wider, forcing myself not to blackout so quickly. "You have no business to being here."

Tanya backed out the door. "You know _nothing _about Edward, you got me?" she seethed and pushed me to the ground. Hard. "Nothing. You don't know how he loves me and wants me more than anything in the world. We spent Valentine's Day together in the very room you slept in last night."

I closed my eyes and was trying very hard to ignore her. I crossed my fingers together and prayed that Edward would come back sooner. I was sure there was a lot of blood on my shirt by now and I was beginning to feel extremely nauseous.

"Tanya!" My eyes flew open as soon as I heard Edward's voice and footsteps. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Just talking to Bella," she replied innocently. "What a sweet girl she is, isn't she, Edward?"

I saw Edward look over her and I covered my stomach with my hands. He didn't have to deal with this. I was the one who opened the damn door in the first place.

He looked concerned and ran towards me. "Bella?"

I cowered from Tanya's smug grin. "I'm fine," I managed to gasp out, but Edward didn't buy it. His eyes travelled from my pale, sick face to my hands and his eyes narrowed – with defined anger. Edward's anger only made me feel worse. More black spots were appearing in my vision and I was terrified of what was going to happen.

"Take your hands away, Bella," he said slowly and evenly, but I could hear something dangerous brewing behind his calm façade. "Both of them."

I shook my head furiously and I prayed that I wouldn't cry in front of Tanya. "N-n-nnoo," I stuttered.

He disregarded my plea and slowly pried my hands away from my stomach. I looked at him in terror, not wanting to see the bloody wounds.

I thought I had seen Edward angry before, but it was nothing compared to _this_. His body shook with fury and he turned his eyes towards Tanya. Her smug smile slid off her face and it was replaced with shock.

"Edward, honey," Tanya started. "It's just a little blood. You can just give her band aids. She'll be fine. You know how easily she trips and bleeds."

"_Tanya_," I heard Edward growl. "Get the _fuck_ away from here. Get the _fuck_ away from my family and get the fuck away from _my_ girl."

I closed my eyes, finally letting the terrifying blackness engulf me, but I could still hear Tanya's voice in the background.

"It was an accident, Edward!" she whined. "And she's not even crying so it probably doesn't hurt that much."

"Who said that if you don't cry, it means it doesn't hurt?" he roared at her. "Do you know that _I'm _hurting as well? _Did _you know that if you hurt her, you're hurting me, too? And am I fucking crying? No!"

"But…"

"What if she has internal bleeding?" his eyes flashed dangerously as he spat at Tanya. "Yeah. I guess you're just some kind of fucked up intelligent and supernatural surgeon who could manage to place _band aids _to her vital organs, right?"

I opened my eyes and looked at Edward. I didn't understand why he had tear stains on his cheeks, or why he was calling Emmett, but really, my skin was broken; of course it was bleeding. But how much worse could it get? I had no idea.

"Emmett," I heard Edward say. "Get here now and don't let Tanya run away. I have to take Bella to the hospital. Then I'll deal with the bitch."

There was a short reply.

"Ask me later. Just do what I said. Or ask Jasper. Anyone I can trust. _Quickly_. I need to get Bella to the hospital immediately. She's in pain." he said hopelessly.

I yearned to comfort him, to hug him tightly and tell him to calm down, but I was losing focus on reality and I could feel myself slipping. If I let go, I would fall into the darkness, but for Edward, for Alice, I held on. Just breathing in and out. Slowly.

"Edward…" I gasped, tears clouding my already blurry dark vision.

"Bella, shhhh. Don't talk. I'm here and you're going to be fine. Whenever I'm with you, you'll be fine," He promised and I could feel him lift me up from the corner of the wall.

I had hardly any energy left and I could smell my blood saturating the air. I hadn't eaten since yesterday at noon and I felt terribly weak and I was falling.

I could hear the ambulance beeping, the paramedics talking, and worst of all; I could feel Edward's tears falling lightly on my face. Edward was sobbing and I couldn't bear to let him be hurt, by me or anyone else. I summoned up all my strength and courage and managed to place my hand on his face, wiping away his tears but then I felt my arm drop as I was just about to caress his trembling lips.

I was spent.

The last thing I saw was Edward.

The last thing I heard was Edward.

And then I fell infinitely into the darkness.

I had lost.

**EPOV**

No, this could not be happening. _Dear God, please tell me this was not happening_. Please tell me this was not happening. Bella had just collapsed in my arms and I wasn't sure how I would manage to get her down fast enough.

I heard several footsteps and felt someone place their hand on my shoulders. "Son, let me help you."

"Dad, I can do this. Stay with Tanya and I'll deal with her later." Once I knew Bella would be okay, and living and breathing, I could deal with the bitch.

"Okay. But _we'll _deal with it later. Are you sure it was her who did this to Bella?" he asked.

"It was definitely her," I replied shortly and raced to the elevator. This wasn't the time to be angry at Tanya. I would keep my anger in check and release it onto Tanya later. But this wasn't the time. Bella was hurt, and it was all my fault.

By the time I got my girl onto the stretcher, I was physically shaking from head to foot. Both from anger or grief, I had no idea and I didn't fucking care. I looked at Bella's peaceful expression and started to sob openly. What had she done to deserve _this_?

The blood was not clotting quickly enough and just seconds later I could see a little red seeping through the linen.

_Dear God, no. Please don't let this be happening_, I prayed. _Bella's a strong woman._

I had no time to be angry with Tanya even though I really wanted to be. Bella was my first priority and Tanya, who had targeted her for a while, had got her at last and I felt wretched for letting this happen. All I wanted was for Bella to be okay, and I was scared shitless that she wasn't going to wake up when we got there.

"Unresponsive. Get that girl to the room," I heard a nurse shout. "Pulse ox and BP are dropping. Abdomen may be rigid. We need a fucking ultrasound as soon as she's conscious."

"Not the ER, you slow motherfucker!" another nurse yelled back. "Get her to Trauma, _now_!"

My feet were glued to the ground and my eyes never left the floor as all the commotion whirled around me. I still couldn't get my brain to function.

"Edward, you alright man?" I heard one of Carlisle's friends at the hospital ask me. "You're a little pale."

I managed a small smile. "I'm great, thanks. Just a little shocked."

Dr. Bannon nodded at Bella being unloaded and carried into the hospital. "Your girl?"

"Yes, sir," I answered glumly.

"Anything else?" he asked me, observing my troubled face.

"Do a quick round check up on her. I'm sure she doesn't need scans but get her on the ventilator first to make sure she's in stable condition," I rushed, racking my brain as I went along. "If she needs surgery, keep her sedated for a while, because I know she's in pain. There was a lot of blood…" I sounded off.

Dr. Bannon nodded and patted me on the back. "Good thing she has you around."

I clenched my fist tightly as I watched Bella disappear from my sight into a private room.

Loud footsteps came from the entrance and I turned around quickly.

"Edward! Where's Bella? Is she okay?" Emmett asked, rushing towards me.

I nodded numbly. "I don't know, really. I can't believe this happened! Fuck Tanya."

"Do you know how far the bitch's heels got in?"

My whole body shook and felt like my head would explode into a million pieces.

I couldn't answer.

"Let's wait for news in the waiting room, 'kay?" Emmett said softly.

"I can't just stay here and do nothing," I said in anguish and hung my head in my hands. "This is what I was trained for, to become someone who could help others. I need to help Bella."

But just as I was about to stand up, I felt Emmett's arms slam across my chest.

"What the fuck, man?" I snarled, rubbing where he had hit, which would obviously become a big bruise.

"No, Edward. Are you out of your fucking mind? You've _never _done anything like this before, okay? It's not textbook style and Bella is _not _going to be your experiment. It's _Bella_, remember? What happens if you freeze up?" He put his hand on my chest and pushed me back down on the seat.

I closed my eyes, not knowing what it was I was feeling.

_Why would Tanya do anything like this? Did she really hate Bella that much? Did she hate me that much to hurt me? _

I wanted to scream at her and fucking _kill _her, but I felt weak and not able to handle this situation. I needed to be strong for Bella. She was in serious condition and I was sure she wasn't going to be discharged today, knowing the type of shoes Tanya wore.

_Why was this happening to Bella? What did Bella do to deserve all this? _Bella was _good_. Good and pure. She needed a guardian angel to protect her from all the bad and I was trying my damnedest to make sure of it after what happened today. She had already lost her mother, her father, and had almost _died _because of depression and bulimia. _But she still had me_, I thought desperately through my tears. It was true. She still had me, and I would always be with her, whenever she wanted.

"Edward, doc's comin' out," Emmett muttered, pulling me out of my dismal reverie.

There was a commotion and the door opened. I couldn't see Bella behind the pale blue curtains but I stood up and rushed towards Dr. Bannon.

"Is she okay?" I asked brokenly, my voice hoarse. "Can I see her?"

He turned his sad blue eyes to mine and sighed. "I'm not sure yet about her condition, the doctors are still trying. We've ordered coagulants to ease the blood flow and then we'll be able to know more about the extent of her injuries."

I knew that she was still in grave condition and I started to shake again. "I need to see her," I told him firmly. Just a place. Just a peek. I needed to know the expression on her face. Was she in pain? Was she in shock? And most importantly, would she hate me for this?

Dr. Bannon shook his head. "As soon as I know her condition, you can."

Emmett put his hand on my shoulders and I shook it off. My knees gave out and I sank to the floor. For once, I didn't care who was looking at me.

"Emmett," I sobbed softly. "Please tell me this isn't happening. Tell me this isn't happening."

Bella was so _soft_ and didn't know how to defend herself at all. God, what had she done to become like this? I hope it wasn't for my sake. That it wasn't punishment for me. I would trade places with her any day. I would trade places with her right now, even.

"Edward, she's going to be okay. I can feel it." He held his hand out to me and lifted me onto a chair. "You'll see."

I pulled out my cell phone and dialled Alice's number.

"Hi, Edward," Alice answered immediately.

"Alice…" I gulped as a fresh wave of tears engulfed me.

"Edward! Is something wrong? Did something happen to Bella? Why didn't she answer my texts?" her voice was alarmed.

"Tanya got to Bella and I _know_ you're mad at me for not preventing this but I had no idea she knew Bella was coming. I'm going crazy and the doctors are still trying to work out exactly where she got injured. Please just _come_."

"Oh no, Edward. Esme and I are on our way, but don't do anything rash, okay? Stay calm and keep strong. Bella needs you and she's lucky to have you."

"Thank you, Alice." I said gratefully. "Thank you for finally trusting me with Bella."

"You love her, we all can tell. She was desperate to be back by your side and you won't regret it after this accident, Edward."

I couldn't get any words out and the phone slipped from my hands.

"Hey, Alice!" Emmett's booming voice echoed out, startling several people. "Yeah, I know. He isn't handling it too well. Don't forget to pick up a chocolate latté for me on the way."

He chuckled and threw the phone at me.

"Fuck off," I groaned and slapped his hand away.

"Edward Cullen?" A deep voice sounded out.

It was Dr. Black.

"Yes, sir?"

"You can go into the ICU now, but remember to remain silent."

I jumped up but found Emmett still sitting. "Em? You coming?"

"Later," he winked. "I think you need some private moments."

Sometimes I loved my brother.

The door was opened by a nurse so that I wouldn't get my hands dirty and I braced myself for what I was about to see.

There was an IV connected to her and a ventilator which was monitoring her every heart beat. Her stomach was severely swollen and bandaged, with a few wires and machines beeping. She had a peaceful expression on her face which showed no sign that she was going to wake up.

"She should be waking up in an hour or so," Dr. Black said in his deep voice, though unnaturally soft. "We sedated her and she's on a few meds, just like you requested. Your father must be proud of you."

I nodded but kept my eyes on Bella. "What if she doesn't regain consciousness in an hour?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"If she doesn't in about a few hours time, she'll be sent back into the operation room for more O neg and transfusions. We're going to change her bandages every half an hour."

"Okay," It was all I could manage at the moment.

"Her organs should definitely be okay even though her abdomen was rigid before. The ultrasound showed fluid and I was sure she's been in this sort of accident before. A car crash perhaps? Thank God a splenectomy wasn't required. I could tell she had a perforated bowel before."

It took me a while to register this new information. It wasn't anything textbook and even though I was going to hopefully graduate with Summa Cum Laude in a year or so, it still confused me. There were terms I was able to recognise, but I only knew them individually. What would happen to Bella when all of the bad came together as a package? I didn't know.

Dr. Black drew up the curtains and left me to have some alone time with Bella.

"Bella," I whispered, my heart aching. "I'm so sorry for not being there when you needed me. Please wake up soon."

She was still drug induced and probably didn't hear my words but I didn't care. I needed to let it out. There may be a chance she could hear. I tentatively reached my hand over her face and moved her soft strands of hair away but kept my hand to her cheeks.

"I'll make it up to you," I promised my girl, "I'll do whatever it'll take to make you happy again and you won't be threatened. If it means that I have to leave Harvard, I will. We'll stay together."

I watched her closely, hoping for signs of reaction to my words. "I love you more than anything else in the world. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I know you're angry with me after what you've done and what happened, but please give me another chance. Please…just come back to me. That's all I'll ever ask for."

Something glistened on Bella's cheek and I narrowed my eyes, stunned. It was a tear, glistening on her pale cheek.

"Bella?" I asked softly, my heart beating fast. "Bella?' Bella, love, can you hear me?"

I squeezed her hand tightly and knelt beside her and heard her take a deep breath.

"Bella, please don't leave me. I need you so much. Please come back to me. _Please_."

"eh-e-Edward?" she croaked.

My head instantly snapped up and I found her waking up slowly, with pain reflecting in her beautiful brown eyes.

"Bella? Are you hurting?" I asked, my hands fluttering around uselessly.

She shook her head. 'I'm fine. The nurse said there was just going to be a big bruise on my stomach.'

"I'm so sorry, Bella," I said. Sorry wasn't enough, but I didn't know how to phrase it in another way.

Her eyes became confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Aren't you…aren't you _mad_ at me, sweetheart?"

"No! Why would I be?" Bella looked at me shocked.

"For not being there for you when you needed me. I'm so sorry for that. And now you're in the fucking _hospital_ because of _me_…" I gritted my teeth as my eyes burned with unfallen tears.

"Hey, I'm fine," Her hand reached for my face and I didn't flinch; I craved her touch more than ever right now. "I'm okay and I'll be discharged in a few days."

"Don't leave me," I begged her. Now that she was so close to me, I wasn't sure how I was going to say goodbye again.

Bella sighed. "What would I do then? My exam results are coming out in a week or so and I'm not sure what to do yet."

"You're going to be amazing with whatever you do in life," I said earnestly, moving forward and kissing her on the forehead. "You're amazing."

She shrugged and gasped in pain.

"Bella?" I asked immediately. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

"Nothing. Just hurts a bit."

"Are you hungry?"

"Nah." And then she shook her head and winced again. "Damn. I can't move my body at _all_."

"I'm so sorry," I hung my head again.

"S'okay, Edward. Like I said give it a few days, then I'll beable to go back to college with Alice again."

I felt my stomach drop. "Don't leave, Bella. I'll do anything. I can't stand it not knowing if you're safe."

"It's just one more year, Edward."

"A year of hell is different from a year of heaven," I quoted her.

She smiled weakly. "Hey, that's my line! Who told you that?"

"Alice."

And then we grinned knowingly. I didn't want to laugh in case she joined in, as it was going to hurt her stomach.

"Edward Cullen?" Dr. Black came back again.

'Yes, sir?'

"We're just going to change the bandage and see if there's anything wrong, okay? No sweat."

"Would I be able to stay here?"

"Sure. Say, would you like to try for yourself?"

I would die for any roles in the hospital, even though it was just a small one. "Sure," I smiled and watched Bella smile back. I grabbed the bandage from the trolley and watched Dr. Black lift Bella into a sitting position and carefully unwrap her bloodied bandage. The wound was awful and I didn't know how Bella managed to endure the pain. She was a survivor – the bravest one I had ever known.

After I finished coiling the bandage around Bella's thin waist and hip, the doctor left us alone again and I placed Bella carefully back into bed.

Bella grinned. "Thank you, Edward."

"No problem."

"Dr. Cullen," she whispered and winked at me.

I grinned at her, despite the heavy heart I was still carrying.

I finally felt like the person Carlisle and Esme had raised me to be.

Caring, loving, determined.

Just like my girl Bella.

I could never thank her enough.

* * *

Thanks to the people over at PTB, especially **TwilightHeart21 **and **wvvampire** for being wonderful betas.

Thanks to all the readers and reviewers.

xx


	17. Trust and Sacrifice

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. The original content, ideas and intellectual property of this story is owned by FrEeZeGiRL8000 (2009).**

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* * *

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**Trust and Sacrifice**

'**Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.'- William Goldman**

**EPOV**

Was Bella fine?

Yes.

Was Bella healthy?

Yes.

Were Esme and Carlisle happy?

Yes.

And Emmett was just having the time of his life.

As usual.

But I wasn't fine. There was still a year until my graduation and it was fucking killing me. Alice had decided to leave Princeton to pursue a career in fashion design in New York and Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper were all for her dreams and decided to all go with her. No one wanted to go to college and study. No one except for Bella and me.

Bella was back at Princeton and had already caught up with the work she had missed. She was amazing and talented. She was my girl.

"Mr Cullen?" Professor Banner raised his eyebrows at me. "Will you pay attention please? I have some exciting information and news at the end of this lecture which I'm sure some of you are interested in participating."

"Sorry, sir," I nodded and apologized, but he ignored me and continued to drone on about microanatomy and pharmacology.

I looked at Tanya and felt a surge of anger that she was smirking at me because I got in trouble. I could never forgive her for what she did to Bella, even though she may not have realized how dangerous it was at that time. It was still her fault. And because of that, she probably wasn't able to graduate as soon, so she couldn't follow me to the end of the world.

I rocked back in my chair and started to fold the edges of my lecture pad. I already knew about all this. This lesson was punishment for people like Tanya who completely failed the exams and received a ten percent mark overall. It was a good thing Jessica had teamed with me and started to realize what kind of bitch Tanya really was. I was positive she was going to quit college soon.

"Listen up!" Professor Banner raised his voice again – louder than before – startling half of us. "I have forms for a few of you to fill in. Instead of continuing with clinical training at the local hospitals, a special offer has been made to the following students: Mr. Cullen, Mr. Crowley, and Mr. Yorkie. Will you all please come forward to receive these forms? Class dismissed."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise and took my time making my way to the front of the class amidst the crowd of students hurrying out. The envelope was addressed to me and it was surprisingly heavy and bulky. I lifted the sticky tabs and pulled out the documents.

_Dear Mr. Edward Cullen_

_We at AMREF recognize your high achievements and outstanding academic records and we believe your skills are needed to improve the overall access to better health for the people of Uganda. _

_Congratulations on your acceptance of your application into the internship program of the African Medical and Research Foundation._

_You are now challenged with making the very important decision of whether to continue your third year of clinical training at your selected university or to support our officers and doctors in Uganda. __We understand this opportunity may cause a young man or woman to have to make a difficult decision __at medical school who has an option like this and we respect your decisions. _

_We at AMREF recognize your high achievements and outstanding academic records and we believe your skills are needed to improve the overall access to better health for the people of Uganda. _

_We believe that AMREF not only offers you a superb learning experience, but also promotes individual development and growth, providing you with a $20,000 scholarship._

_Our very best wishes to you for a successful third year and we sincerely hope you will join us._

_Kind Regards,_

_AMREF __**Headquarters**_

**Nairobi, Kenya**

I stood next to Tyler, shocked. They were offering me a training position at a professional medical facility in _Uganda_? I was sure it would be my dream come true.

"So! Edward, congratulations." I heard Professor Banner walk towards me.

"Sir, who sent in an application for me?"

I looked up from my letter and saw him take off his glasses. "I did. You are a brilliant student and you deserve to have more opportunities, to _do _more – before contribute your ideas to the outside world. Clinical training doesn't seem enough for someone like you."

I nodded. "Thank you, sir. I'm not sure if I can go."

What about Bella? What would she think of this?

"Edward, you _must _accept!" Professor Banner urged, clapping me on the shoulders. "This is the opportunity of your student career! Imagine the possibilities. It's only for six months. What could be more important?" He chuckled but I didn't join in.

"I have someone here who is waiting for me. _That's _what's more important," I said firmly, looking the professor in the eye. "More important than college. More important than _anything_."

"Edward, your father and mother would be _so proud_. So proud of you. There isn't anything that could give them greater joy. Not even a girlfriend. It isn't high school anymore, Edward. It's time to make certain sacrifices."

I breathed in deeply and the letter in my hands shook. "Maybe…maybe a medical career isn't what I'm looking for. Not in that way. I can't just go to Uganda for six months and leave everything behind, can I?"

I looked at him and saw a frown settle on his face. Backtracking a little, I argued back. "Look, I'm really grateful about this. Really, it's wonderful and I'm sure it'll be a great opportunity but maybe I don't need six months there."

"Yes. Yes you can, Edward," My professor replied to me gravely. "Six months is half a year. It's not that long. Six months won't allow you to forget the outside world even if you have no means of communication."

I shook my head. "It's too big a sacrifice. I can't do it." Not to Bella. I could _never_ do this to Bella. Half a year without contact or anything would be sheer hell.

"You will do what is necessary as a doctor, Edward. To be a doctor, you are trained to have compassion for those who are less fortunate and to _treat _them with care and love. You have to make certain sacrifices, son. Not everything is fair. Surely you realize that, Edward? Life doesn't work that way."

"Let me think about it all and process it, Professor," That was all I could handle at the moment. What was most important was Bella. And losing Bella would be excruciatingly painful. She was the one who had to know about this first. _Then, _I took a deep breath and sighed_, then _we'll _decide._

"Of course."

I turned around before heading out the exit. "One more thing, professor. When would the internship begin?"

He smiled. "Starting next week. Good luck, Edward."

Fuck.

I grabbed a fistful of my hair and tugged hard, feeling overwhelmed with frustration.

It was a good thing today was Friday. I was going to fly to Princeton tonight and tell my girl face to face.

I needed to see her reaction.

I needed to know what to do.

But most of all, I needed _her_. Bella.

I was going to say the hardest words I could ever mutter in my life. And I had to be prepared for my girl's reaction, but I wasn't sure if I could _ever_ be prepared for her rejection. _No_, I thought, _I could never, because living without her is not possible._

This was going to drive me insane and there was only one person who I could call to lift me out of my low spirits. Alice.

"Edward, what's going on?" she asked at once.

"Nothing, really. Look, I got an acceptance letter to the Africa Medical and Research Foundation and I have to tell Bella about it."

"Face to face? I'll get your ticket ready, don't worry. Anything else?"

God. Sometimes I loved my half sister.

"Don't tell her about this before me. I don't want her to find out like this."

"Wait –" Alice's voice suddenly got sharper. "Are you telling me that you're going to leave Bella again?'

I closed my eyes and prepared myself mentally. "Maybe. No. Yes. I don't know yet, but I think so. "

"You have to make the right choice, Edward. I'm sure Bella would understand if you leave her for a few weeks or so…" she trailed off.

I forced a laugh. "Yeah. Sure. A few _fucking_ weeks would obviously be manageable, but right now I'm talking about a few _motherfucking _months, Alice."

"It's your choice, Edward. You chose to become a doctor. That's gonna be your career, and you must do what is right. I can't help you with that. Neither can Bella. Don't go to her to ask her for advice. You must be strong and tell her what you desire and she'll respect your decision. She loves you."

"Thanks, Alice. Just get me a ticket for a flight tonight and I'll be fine. I've got it all sorted out."

My lower lip trembled and my eyes burned. Yes, the tears were coming, but they weren't going to come out. I'd be _damned _if I let a tear slip tonight.

It was time to give her my diary…and my last letter for the next six months.

My decision was made, but I wasn't sure if my heart could take it.

* * *

Number 514…515…516. Finally. I gasped and slowed down to a stop in front of Bella's dormitory. Of course I had no idea if she would be home, or if she was doing work, or if she was out with her friends, but this was necessary. Painfully necessary.

I knocked twice and a girl with dark black hair answered. "Hi. I'm Leah. Leah Clearwater. Who do you want?"

I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling like a complete idiot. "Hi. I'm Edward Cullen. I'm here to see Bella Swan."

Leah's eyes opened in surprise and recognition. _Thank God_.

"Oh. _Right. _Hang on a sec."

I waited patiently as she went to get her. I looked down at my feet shuffling nervously and I bit my lip.

"Edward?" There was worry hidden underneath the most beautiful voice in the world and I gritted my teeth and mentally prepared myself for anything.

I looked up again and saw Bella taking a hesitant step towards me. "Bella."

"Is there something wrong?" she whispered dreadfully and I began to feel more nervous. There were a thousand girls here who could probably hear us and I wasn't having that.

"Can I talk to you in private?" My heart beat painfully in my chest as I watched confusion turn into hurt in her eyes. _Please, Bella, it's not like that I promise. _It was quite the opposite. Not quite. _I love you, Bella, and trust me, it's not like that._

She led me out of the dormitory into a secluded garden on the school grounds. It was perfect. No one was nearby.

I was avoiding her gaze and I knew that she knew that something was wrong. I sighed and sat down on the stone carved seat and held my head in my hands.

"Edward?" she asked again, and I could imagine her tears beginning to form before I even mentioned I was leaving. She was thinking I was here to break up with her, and that made me want to rip my heart out.

I couldn't say it like this. She would think I was leaving her. I flew to her side and lifted her into my arms, her hair flying out in all directions and I held her tightly to my body. "Oh God, Bella. I missed you so much."

"I missed you so much, too."

Her voice was filled with so much love I ached with the intensity of it. What I had to say next was going to be devastating for her.

"Bella." My voice was muffled by her silky waves of her hair and I felt sick. I felt so sick I actually wanted to go vomit in the garden. "I'm leaving."

"What do you mean?" I could feel the confusion in her voice and I let go of her a bit so I could see her face. She had a crease in between her eyebrows and I took another deep breath.

"Bella, I'm leaving for Uganda," I told her.

I stood there, frozen and my heart aching, as she backed away from me slightly.

She trailed her finger lightly across the line of my jaw. "For how long?" she asked.

"Six months." My voice was nearly inaudible. I swallowed and closed my eyes. I didn't want to see her reaction. I was sure it would break me.

"Just six months?" Bella asked, pushing me with her voice.

"Yes," I replied faintly, "Just for six months."

She shuddered and turned away from me, into the darkness of the garden. "That's half a year, Edward. Half a year without any contact. _Nothing_." There was heartbreak in her voice and so much hurt. I didn't know what to do anymore. I never did. Every heartbreak I had known was through books. Everything was textbook style and I was beginning to understand what Emmett said in the hospital.

I didn't imagine it would be like this.

And I thought I had it all sorted.

Fuck this. Fuck Dante and Bronte. Fuck all the writers in the world.

"Bella. Baby, I'll come back to you," I begged. "I swear on my life I will. And I'll make sure everything's okay." _But everything won't be okay_, I told myself. I shook that disturbing thought away before gauging her reaction.

She nodded, processing this. I wished at that moment this situation was the opposite. That she was leaving me, not that I was leaving her. I didn't want to do this and cause her pain anymore. I fucking promised her. "When are you leaving, Edward?" Her eyes opened with fear, with uncertainty, as she turned towards me.

I gritted my teeth and forced myself to calm down. "Next Sunday."

Something that glistened on her cheek made me rush towards her. "Bella, sweetheart, are you okay?" It was a stupid question. Of course she wasn't. She was crying. Fucking crying all because of me.

"I'm fine. Just a little overwhelmed."

"I never want to hurt you, Bella. I _fucking_ promised you. And now…" I gulped and had nothing to say as guilt washed over me. I was a jackass. The biggest asshole in the world.

"It's okay, Edward. I understand. You're going to be an amazing doctor and you're going to heal people. That's what matters. You can't have everything in life and everyone has to make sacrifices." She shrugged and wiped her tear away. "I'll be fine."

I glared at her. How could she act like this, so indifferent? Was there something I was missing? Did she even _want _me anymore? "So that's it?"

She looked confused again. "What?"

I breathed heavily and growled. "So that's it? When I'm gone, all of this will be over? Everything we shared will be gone? Is this it, Bella?"

She looked at me with confusion and hurt in her eyes. "What do you mean?"

I sighed. "Are you…breaking up with me?" I muttered pathetically. "Are you _glad_ I'm going?"

Her answer wasn't what I wanted to hear. "Yes."

I opened my eyes wide in shock and I moved away from her, my heart threatening to crack open.

"Edward, don't leave." She reached towards me. "I have to tell you something."

**BPOV **

"Edward, don't leave." I ran over to him as I saw his frightened face. I didn't mean _that_ at all and now I felt horrible. "I have to tell you something."

"What is it?" His voice was hard and I could feel his heart beating in his chest.

"It's not like that. I meant that I'm glad that you're going because you're going there to help people. I know that only the most brilliant students would be offered an opportunity like that."

He breathed a sigh of relief and his beautiful face relaxed into the crooked smile I loved so much. "So you're not… breaking up with me?"

"No!" I looked at him, astounded that he could even fathom that thought. "Of course not! You're going to come back in six months and we'll be like we always are."

"You're not mad at me?" He asked, brushing his thumb over my lips gently. "You're not mad at me for hurting you again and again?"

I felt like laughing and crying at the same time. 'Edward, I'm _proud_ of you for achieving this. You have to show the world that you're brilliant.'

And he was looking at me like he never did before. 'I don't deserve you."

I managed a smile and tried not to cry. "So this is good bye?"

He didn't respond or move but I knew the answer.

The weather was getting chilly now, the wind was blowing around my freezing body and he finally snapped his eyes open to look at me with pain in his eyes. His strong arms embraced my body, my face pressed tightly against his chest but the tears were coming freely now. I was afraid to say the words and I knew he was, too. I lifted my face to kiss him gently on his lips.

"I love you," I told him.

He whispered back, his lips grazing mine gently. "I love you, too."

With one last tight hug, he shrugged off his jacket and slid it over my frozen form and kissed my forehead. I watched him walk away, in his plain white t-shirt and black pants, unflinching in the cold wind that blew against him. The electricity between us was still flowing but instead of feeling warm and safe, I felt alone and devastated, dreading the next six months.

* * *

There was a letter waiting for me in my luggage when I got back to the dormitory and I felt the others' eyes on me.

"What happened?" Angela asked me. "He just came in here, left the note in your bag and left without a word."

I nodded. "Thanks for telling me."

"Where're you going?"

"Somewhere. I'll be back later," I added hastily before heading into the coffee shop nearby.

My fingers fumbled with the tape sealing the letter but I managed it in the end.

The letter was longer than any other one I had ever received from Edward and I wondered what he had wanted to say.

_Dear Bella_

_I do not want to start this letter by saying good bye, or ever, for that matter. You are always with me, in my head, and most importantly, in my heart. _

_There are a few things I want you to know; that there has never been anyone else for me but you and that you have to trust me with this. Trust me, Bella. I know six months is a very long time, and it is even longer __when there will be no contact between us__. Believe me. _

_All I need you to do is to trust me with your heart, and that you believe me, no matter how ridiculous it seems. I don't want you to be sad during the times I cannot talk to you, or even write a single letter. _

_You may think our love is in a mess already, tangled with dreadful situations and accidents, but I'm not ready to give up. Not yet, or ever. Esme has always told me that when you have found 'the one', you will know it instantly. I knew it the moment I saw you broken and lost in the hospital a couple of years ago. I had never felt so porotective or caring in my entire life. Not until I saw you dying. It was a hard and tough lesson to learn but it was worth it. We, together, have overcome so many of the obstacles in life already. _

_I will make up for the time lost when I come home. I will make up for all the hurt that I have ever caused you. You may never think my love is enough for you, but I literally, physically, and mentally burn for you. I will burn for your love. _

_I love you, and I hope that those words suffice. _

_Forever yours,_

_Edward Cullen _

_June 20_

_PS. I have something for you in the bottom of your luggage. Don't ever forget me._

I hurried back to the school grounds despite the tears that were blinding me.

Everyone was asleep by now so I didn't have to go far to get some quiet and privacy.

I removed all the clothes from my bag and found a journal lying at the bottom. I opened the front cover gingerly and saw a picture of us together at Christmas, all happy and smiling. Underneath, in Edward's beautiful handwriting, _My Girl, December 25, Christmas_

_My girl_…that was what he called me and for a sudden moment I felt cherished and adored, even without his arms around me. The next page was filled with his handwriting. I never knew Edward wrote.

_For My Bella_

_When there's love, there is no such thing as good bye_

_When there's love, there is no such thing as the end_

_When there's love, there is eternity_

_When there's love, there's everything I'll ever need_

_I love you, Bella_

_I am half a person without you_

_I am half a soul without you_

_You are the missing puzzle piece in my life_

_You are the brightest star in the sky_

_You are all my dreams come true_

_You are my girl_

_You are my Bella_

_You are only mine…forever_

_And because of this all and so much more, I'm going to love you forever_

_I love you more than anything in the world_

_I love you more than my life_

_Edward_

My heart raced in my heart so fast it hurt. He had given me so much, and asked so little in return. I wished more than ever that I could say just a few more words to him before he left, but it was impossible. He was already gone, but still in my heart. Forever in my heart.

That was all I could ever ask for.

I wiped my tears before they could drop onto Edward's journal and smudge his beautiful handwriting. I hugged the book to my chest and closed my eyes. I would miss him every single second he was away and he had made it extremely clear that I was the one who was taking care of his heart. I was the one who made him feel happy; made him feel loved; made him smile. I was his forever, and he was mine.

I vowed to myself that I would be here, waiting for him to come back.

What could happen in six months?

* * *

Thank you to those wonderful people over at PTB, especially to **mycrookedsmile** and **Flibbertigidget **for helping me with this.

Thanks to all the readers and reviews. I know I haven't been able to reply any responses this past week but I appreciate all you guys have said.

xx


	18. You Promised

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. The original content, ideas and intellectual property of this story is owned by FrEeZeGiRL8000 (2010).**

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**You Promised**

'**Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.'- Carl Sandburg**

**EPOV**

"Cullen," Dr Snow greeted me. "You're in tent seven today with me. Most people here refuse symptomatic treatment but have at least a form of cancer. Let them know who you are, and allow them time to trust you and know who you are. Follow me."

God, I felt like I just landed on Mars. _Let them trust me_. It was as though the people here in Africa were aliens but I wasn't putting up with racism, or prejudice, or whatever it was over here, or anywhere for that matter.

I put on my white coat, headed into the ragged tent and stopped short at the sight of the people inside. There were around eleven or twelve young men and women, all cramped into a tiny tent, hoping for immediate treatment and care. Appalled and shocked, I sat down next to Dr Snow and a translator and met my first patient.

"Hello," I began nervously, fidgeting with the pen in my hand. "Don't worry about anything. I'm just going to give you a quick check-up and see what is wrong with you."

My first diagnosis was not exactly difficult. Mira was a fourteen year old girl with problems with her liver. Her yellow rimmed eyes and her dull skin already told me she had a liver problem, but I just didn't know how severe her case was. Dr Snow had reminded me that the people here didn't always have clean water and food, or soap to wash their hands. The reservoir was miles away and the people normally had to travel a whole day to collect water in a clay jug to share with their whole family. I felt sympathy for them, and my feelings only encouraged me to immerse myself in the studies of their native herbal medicines and the limited ways I could help the sick recover, or extend their already shortened life.

I wanted to help people. I wanted to save lives. This was why I was here. But I couldn't help forgetting Bella's face when I told her I was leaving for six months, without contact, without any reasonable explanation. Her heartbroken face would forever be burned into my memory.

I decided to write letters to her. I kept them all in my notebook. Everything I saw here, everything I learned, I wrote down to give to my girl when to my girl when I came home. I didn't have that much money to send all those letters through air mail. Life was difficult, and being in a foreign country, being away from Bella, was just the beginning. I had finally begun to realize how highly my father Carlisle regarded me, and why he had granted me such an expensive education.

I could feel the experience here was going to be worth it, but wouldn't be if Bella decided to break up with me. I was scared shitless she was going to go out with someone she realized was more interesting…more giving than me – allowing more sacrifices to be made, but I had to trust her. I knew she wouldn't do that to me.

I worked from day to night, night to day, with only a few hours of sleep each day. I had grown attached to the people of Uganda and I felt connected to them in a distinct way. The people I came into contact with were so poor, yet so hardworking. I watched them help each other, never complaining about anything. Not even each other. They were the people I wanted to become.

* * *

I flipped my pen thoughtlessly in my hand, wondering how I could start my twentieth letter to Bella.

_Dear Bella_

_I have missed you in ways you can not imagine. I miss your voice and the comfort it gave me. I have the Christmas present you gave me. I think of you when I see it. I miss your kisses. I miss my Bella. _

_I wish you were here with me. The people here are so dedicated to having a happy life; they do whatever they can to make sure their children live as easily as possible. That is what I want to do for you. I know it is impossible from where I am, but I hope you understand. _

_It's been a month already. There are five months left to go. I'm counting down to the minute I see your face. _

_I don't know what to say and there are no words which would make up for the hurt and damage I caused you, but when I get back, I will do anything in my power to make up for the lost time. _

_Wherever you are, whenever, remember me and all the special moments I shared with you. _

_I love you to the moon and back, _

_Edward_

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I missed her so fucking much.

Not having any comforting thoughts, I put my pen down on the dusty ground, pulled my cover over my body and fell into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

"Cullen!"

I shot up, realizing I must have slept past six.

"Sorry, sir," I stuttered. "I will make up for the lost time."

"You'll make sure you do," Dr Snow replied grimly and I grimaced. It wasn't a great start to the morning. "Children today in tent eight."

"Yes, sir."

"I saved breakfast for you. Everyone else is already rolling, except for Ben. He caught a bad flu yesterday."

"Ben?" My eyebrows shot up in surprise at the name of one of my good friends from college. "I thought he was in Tanzania."

"He was transferred. There are more people in need of medical help here."

I nodded to show him I understood. "Okay."

"Get dressed and come with me when you're ready."

"Yes, sir," I responded nervously. There was no way I could get used to the ridiculous formalities – ever.

Children today. Seeing teenagers helpless with illnesses was already difficult enough, and now there were children and infants, too. All the suffering just made me want to stay here more and more, even though I knew there was a place I wanted to go back to more than ever because I wanted to be with Bella. She was my home, but it wasn't just that – I even missed my family.

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed as I put on my clean scrubs.

"Cullen!" Dr Snow called.

"Sorry, sir."

I ran to meet him outside a large wooden shack.

"Loads to get through today. C'mon," he muttered, looking up and down at my scruffy appearance.

I saw nurses cradling wailing babies, and gulped.

"Injections for flu are in this bag right here. The rest is up to you," Dr Snow informed me. "I'll start with the children first. Watch."

The doctor's hand skilfully gripped the struggling infant tightly and injected the vaccine into his arm as I watched with envy; I was pretty sure I wasn't as patient as him.

I looked around and saw some children in the corner looking at me miserably. With flesh-eating diseases around, this was a tough place to live in. I found myself wanting to treat them, wondering vaguely if there was anything I wondered if I could offer them any sort of comfort. I sighed. If only I had the experience needed…

Dr. Snow cleared his throat loudly, interrupting my reverie.

'Cancum Oris?' I asked Dr Snow.

He nodded slowly. 'Yes, son. It's pretty hands on for a third year student, but we were hoping that you would be able to help anyway.'

"Yes, sir. It's just…it's just…" I wasn't able to convey how I felt.

He suddenly looked at me with a knowing glint in his eye. "Professor Banner told me about the…problems you had. The dilemmas you faced. I'm proud of you, Edward. You must have been brave to endure the past month here."

I shrugged. "I needed this opportunity anyway. I want to help," I insisted, but part of my heart was telling me otherwise.

"Just do the best you can here. It'll save you a whole heap of note taking when you get back to uni." Dr Snow smiled at me at me, winking, and I reluctantly gave a small one in return.

The day went by quickly, in a whirl of childrens' cries and screams. It was as much as I could take in right now. Any more, and I'd be finished.

* * *

**Four Months Later**

I wanted to see Bella, but now, my need for her was more intense than ever. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I was literally going crazy. _Only two more days_, I reminded myself. There were only two more days left.

Deciding to make the most of the rest of my time here, I visited the Uri family. They were a family I had become quite attached to.

"Dr Snow?" I asked in surprise, as I walked in. What was he doing in their living room?

"Hello, Edward." He didn't smile and I wondered what was wrong. "Sanja is very sick. She had a high fever last night and it is getting really hot. I'm trying to use their traditional medicine to help cool her down."

"Paracetamol won't hurt her,' I replied, shrugging my shoulders. "Why not try that?"

He smiled. "You're very good, Edward. That reminds me, there is something I have to tell you."

I froze and felt my stomach drop, preparing for the worst. "Yes, sir?"

"Edward. The AMREF are proud of your works here, and have decided to send a letter to Harvard to prolong your stay."

My heart thumped loudly and hard in my chest. "What? But – wait, I _can't_. I can't. I only signed up for six months."

"You have been granted four more months here, until September." Dr Snow continued as though he had not heard me.

"Sir! You don't understand. I can't stay here for four more months. I have school and family to look forward to tomorrow," I was aghast at the news. Surely he didn't expect me not to argue with him? _What about Bella_, I reminded myself and felt my heart wrench at the thought. I wasn't so sure what she would think about it this time.

"I know that, Edward. I know it's complicated but you have to do what is best for you," he said to me in an expressionless tone.

I glared at him. "Well maybe not for me, but my family and friends aren't going to be happy with this. They miss me, and I miss them too. D'you think this is just about _me_?"

"I'm sorry, Edward. If it makes you feel better, there is a phone nearby for emergency calls. Maybe that could help." He gestured towards the AMREF centre.

"Yeah. Maybe it'll just help one _fucking_ bit. There are a million more things in my life that are fucked up because of this," I snarled at him, taking my coat off and throwing it to the ground, heading out the door.

The phone rang once and someone picked it up.

"Doctor Carlisle speaking."

I sucked in a deep breath. "Hi, Dad. It's me, Edward."

"Edward?" he asked, surprised.

"Yeah, it's me."

"Was there something you wanted?"

There was a long pause.

I didn't know what to ask for, or how, but I finally gave in, speaking from my broken heart. "Can I talk to Bella?"

"Sure. I just thought that your calls were always reserved for family. How did you know she was here?"

I froze. How on Earth did I know? "I don't know, Dad. I really don't. I think I'm going crazy right now. I guess it's the term holiday, isn't it?"

"Sure is. Hang on – I'll get her for you."

I waited nervously and impatiently. All the calls I was able to make were strictly for family use and I agreed to the conditions. God, I would trade _anything_ to be in Bella's place right now. I didn't want her to get the impression that I was only calling her because I had to tell her I wasn't going to see her for another four months. I didn't want to hear her upset. It would fucking kill me.

"Edward?" my girl asked, her voice beautiful and sweet, but there was a distance to it, and it made my heart beat fast. Perhaps she re-thought about this fucked up situation and decided to break it off with me.

"Bella?" I gulped and I felt my heart hammering.

"Oh, Edward," She breathed.

I started to gasp and my hands were sweating. I didn't know what to do.

It wasn't long before tears were clouding my eyes. _I fucking promised her_.

**BPOV**

I panicked and dropped the cards I was playing with Alice.

"Edward?" I bit my lip. He was coming back tomorrow and everything would finally be normal again. My voice sounded hoarse and weak; like I had just stopped crying for hours.

He seemed hesitant and I could hear distress in his voice. "Bella?"

"Oh Edward," I breathed.

I waited for him to respond, but all I could hear was heavy breathing.

"Edward?" I asked, alarmed. "Are you all right?"

"I…I have to tell you something."

My heart thudded hard. Was he going to break up with me?

"Okay," I said in a small, timid voice, my heart preparing for the worst to happen.

"I…I can't be home tomorrow. I've been given a compulsory four month extension," the words rushed out of his mouth like a waterfall. "Bella, sweetheart, I am so sorry. I don't know what to do at the moment. I've been looking forward to seeing you tomorrow for ages and I can't imagine that it won't be possible.

My stomach dropped. I wanted to offer him condolence and comfort, but it was too much. I couldn't take it in.

"Bella…please…" I heard him beg, and I shook my head, feeling completely ridiculous.

I cleared my throat but wasn't able to wipe away my tears. "Edward…it's really too much for me."

"Bella, what are you saying?" There was uncertainty in his voice and I wanted to shut my mouth – every cell in my body screamed for me to stop – but words careened out of me like a car without brakes.

"I can't…I can't do this anymore," I answered him honestly, but my heart denied it. I wanted him so badly, but this wasn't working. The past six months had almost killed me.

"Are you – are you breaking up with me?" Edward's voice broke and I could hear tears in his voice.

I choked out the hardest words I would ever have to say in my life. "I have to."

"You _promised_, Bella. You promised!" Edward panicked and I was crying openly now. I could feel Alice and Carlisle eying me suspiciously behind my back, but just this once, I didn't care.

"I didn't mean it in _that _way. I meant that…when you get back, we can see what kind of friendship we have left and try make it up to each other, but I'm scared, Edward. I…I need to concentrate on college and graduating."

I heard him suck in a deep breath and let it out in a whoosh. "I'm going to protect you, Bella. I'll do anything I can to protect you from hurt. Anything." Defiance rang through his tone and I felt a tugging at my heart, but I knew that I needed to protect my heart. "Even though I'm miles away from you, I'm still by your side. Believe me, Bella."

"Come back, then," I challenged.

He sighed, and I could picture him running his fingers through his hair. "I will."

"Soon," I whispered, almost begging.

"Four months."

My body shook at those words. Four months.

Edward began softly. "I love you, Bella. I love you more than anything."

"I know." _I love you_.

"There will never be another person for me."

I sighed. "I know."

"I'll see you soon then."

I didn't want to say good bye. "Goodbye Edward. I-I hope everything over there is well."

"I love you."

I waited until I heard the click and then hung up.

"What's wrong, Bella?" Alice asked, looking at my tear-stained face. "Why are you crying?"

"He's not coming back tomorrow," I said blankly. The fact hadn't really set into my mind yet, and that's probably why I couldn't feel the hurt.

Alice glared at me. "I'm gonna kill him."

"Don't."

"I will. How _can _he do this?" Alice screeched.

"Because he is a brilliant person, Alice. He saves lives. That's what he's doing, and I'm proud of him."

Alice rolled her eyes. "God, you two are perfect for each other. You're never gonna give up on him, right?"

I stiffened at her words. "I-I don't know."

"Really? There are more hot guys out there, Bella. College boys aren't those random high school ones, you know." Alice nudged my shoulder, joking with me.

"Alice…I-I can't really take it in right now," I mumbled, heading upstairs. "See you tomorrow."

"Okay. I'll tell Mom and Dad."

I bit my lip and brushed my tears away. "Okay."

"It's going to be fine, Bella."

"I know it will."

I made my way to my room, which was previously Edward's, and lay on his bed.

Just four months and all this waiting and horrible anticipation will be over.

With that thought, I drifted off into a restless sleep.

* * *

"Ang!" I called.

"Bella!" she squealed. "What are you doing here?"

"Picking up Ben with you I guess. You said I could if I wanted to, right? Or was that a joke?"

"I was serious, but I knew you would probably have something else on your mind."

I shook my head. "Nope."

"Thanks, Bella." She hugged me tightly before letting out a high pitched scream when she saw Ben.

I looked away as they embraced warmly and kissed passionately. The moment was too intimidate, and I felt like I was intruding.

"Hey, Bells." Ben grinned at me.

"Hey," I said cautiously. "How is…how's Edward doing?"

Ben laughed. "Fucking brilliantly. He's learning so much and is so eager to help all the sick people there. Amazing."

Wow. That was something. "Really?" I asked eagerly. "What else?"

"If you're asking if he was fucking miserable, he was. Every night before he went to bed, he wrote stuff in his notebook. Whenever I asked him what he was doing with the lamp on, he always said that he was writing to you. He said that even though you may never want to see it, he still wanted to give it to you when he came home."

My eyes immediately teared up. That I was not expecting.

"Oh, Bella, are you okay?" Angela turned around and hugged me.

"Yeah." I mustered up a smile. "Just a little shocked."

"He loves you so much, Bella," Ben said, hugging me softly. "At the end of the day, he's always worrying, wondering about what you're doing right this moment, this second. He wants you to know he cares for you even though he's on the other side of the world. And he wants me to give you this."

Ben dug into the depths of his luggage and pulled out a silver box.

"What's that?" Angela asked Ben.

"Dunno."

It wasn't light and I wondered what Edward was giving me.

"I'll check when I get home."

"C'mon then. Time to celebrate Ben's return." Angela smiled.

My heart was beating erratically as I saw the house approaching.

Angela and Ben dropped me off, wished me good luck with whatever was in my hands and I smiled at them, thanking them for the ride.

I ignored Alice's questions when I got to my room. I slammed the door shut and allowed Edward's scent to embrace me again.

There was a letter and several foreign ornaments he must've made himself. There was a piece of bark with a love heart carved deeply into it and finally, there was a framed photo of me and him together on New Year's Eve from last year. I shook my head and smiled at the picture. How on Earth did he manage to bring that to Africa?

I opened the letter and began to read.

_My dearest Bella_

_The phone call yesterday when I told you_ _I had to stay an extra four months nearly killed me. You had every right to say you didn't want anything to do with me anymore, but you have to realize that there won't be anyone else for me. Ever. There will only be you. There will only be you when I close my eyes before I go to bed every night I'm in Uganda without you. _

_You cannot believe how much you have helped me with my journey so far. You have taught me to be a compassionate, thoughtful, and fearless person with a good heart. I want to thank you so much for all that you have ever done for me, whether you realize it or not. _

_You are amazing. And I'm so proud of you for getting your diploma. I wish I had been able to go to your graduation ceremony so that once you stepped down off the stage I could lift you up in my arms and kiss you all over. _

_I dream about you every night. I think about your missing presence every second I am away from you. _

_This was written the moment Ben told me he was going back. I will miss having him as a buddy and I am more alone than ever._

_I know these coming months will be hard on you, but I'll not give up, Bella. I'll never give up on you._

_I love you to the moon and back._

_Edward_

_PS._ _I sent you some little ornaments some of my younger patients taught me how to make. I told them about you, and they showed me some symbolic meanings of love that can be interpreted through carvings._ _I have had two photographs with me the entire time I've been in Africa. One of them I decided to give you. Don't ever forget me._

I looked at the little bronze trinkets in the box and thumbed them over in my hand.

He had given me so much, he understood that I needed him when he wasn't here with me, but eventually, it would be worth it. Hopefully.

* * *

**2 Months Later**

"Oh, don't be a grump, Alice!" I whined. She was ruining her special day. "What's wrong?"

"You know what's wrong. There are 145 people who should be here at my wedding, but there are only 144," Alice replied with a frown lines on her forehead.

"Hey. If you're gonna do that, you'll waste makeup," I warned her, keeping her still with my hands as Rose applied her makeup.

She forced a hard laugh. "Hate to say this, but I really wish my stupid older brother was here."

Bingo. Here we go again.

Alice had hit the nerve that numbed me.

I dropped my hands and headed outside the room into mine, ignoring Alice's apologies which were fading into the background.

_Just two more months_, I reminded myself.

I wasn't sure how much more heartbreak I could stand for.

* * *

Thanks to the wonderful people over at PTB for all the help, especially to my lovely betas **Sarahsumbrella** and **blahblahblah**.

I appreciate all the readers out there who have stuck with me so far, and to those who have contributed reviews. They have seriously made my day.

xx


	19. Decisions

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. The original content, ideas and intellectual property of this story is owned by FrEeZeGiRL8000 (2010).**

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**Decisions**

'**Half the promises people say were never kept, were never made.' - Edgar Watson Howe**

**EPOV**

I was going insane.

Even though I knew what I did was not reasonable, I did not realize Bella's response would change me more than I thought possible. All I could do now was hope to the heavens that Bella would let me back into her heart when I got home.

I sighed as I watched the sky darken and felt the weather become colder around me A few weeks ago; I had been promoted and was able to perform my first surgery on a sick patient. Instead of working eighteen hours a day, I only had to do ten.

It was better really – the rest of the day I could be spending my free time learning Swahili if I wanted, but all I thought about was Bella. I thought about Bella a lot. I still couldn't find a way to make it up to her and more importantly, to win her back. I didn't know where she was, or if she was still friends with Alice. I knew my prolonged stay had impacted both my family and her. I probably needed to get home to find out just how much.

One month was _long_.

There were a couple of days where I didn't have to perform surgery, and I would simply stay indoors to write something or talk to other college guys. I knew exactly how pathetic they thought I was; that I was always indoors doing nothing.

I completely understood why Bella wanted to end our relationship because of her own reasons, but I knew for a fact that she was scared shitless. However, I wasn't going to push it when I got home because respecting her decisions was more important.

A chill ran down my spine as I thought of what Tanya and Jessica were doing right now. Could they be trying to find Bella in order to harass her? Was it possible that, after noticing my long absence, they decided to taunt and criticize her? Suddenly I was filled with a need to just _talk _to her. Just to hear her voice.

I stood up and ran into the main office and asked for the phone.

The young receptionist smiled at me flirtatiously and I wanted to roll my eyes. _Was she fucking kidding me?_

"Phone calls only restricted for family purposes," she said, handing me the cordless phone.

I nodded. "Sure thing. Mind if I take this call outside?"

"No problems."

I walked out quickly and shut the door behind me, pondering who to call.

Would Bella be with Alice right now?

Or should I ask Carlisle for either of their whereabouts?

I pushed Alice's number into the phone and waited for her to pick up.

"Hello?" Alice brightly chirped into the phone. I wondered what she would sound like if she knew this was her brother – the one who missed her wedding.

"Hi," I took a deep breath and answered, letting my voice sink in and waiting for the explosion on the other side of the phone.

Instead, I was met with a strangled cry.

"Alice?" I asked. "What's wrong?"

"When the hell are you coming back, Edward?" Alice asked miserably.

I gulped. "Just two more weeks left."

"And then you _promise _you'll be home?" Alice asked skeptically. "No more extension or anything?"

"_Yes_, Alice. I _promise _I'll be home in two weeks."

"Ok-ay then. Bye then?" she asked with uncertainty in her voice.

"No!" Words rushed out of my mouth before I could even process what I wanted to say. "Alice, I need to talk to Bella. It's really urgent, I mean…I mean, with you know, everything that has gone wrong these past couple of months. Do you know where she is?" I asked desperately.

There was silence on the other side of the phone.

An uneasy feeling settled on my stomach, and I had a sudden urge to vomit. "Alice, where's Bella?"

She sighed. "I guess she's in the library right now studying for an exam or something."

"Are you sure? Then why can't I talk to her?" I demanded. _What the fuck was wrong with Alice, and why did I have the feeling she's telling a lie?_

"Look," she said, "I really have to go now – I…I have a date with Jasper tonight."

"Where are you?"

"In New Jersey. You see, I applied for a job at a fashion agency in New York and I got accepted but Jasper decided to visit Bella with me this week."

I growled in frustration. "Then why can't I talk to Bella?" I argued again.

This time, it took Alice a little longer to reply. "I-I don't know…I mean, I don't know if she would want to be interrupted right now. Finals…you know. They aren't that easy to pass."

"Fuck that shit, Alice. You know _exactly _why and that's all I'm asking for. I'm her boyfriend, and all I want to do is talk to her. Is that so bad?"

Alice laughed coldly. "I don't think so, Edward. I'm not sure who fucked it up a few months ago but I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to talk to you right now."

"Alice," I warned.

There was a muffled cough on the other side of the phone and then Alice hung up.

Fuck.

I slammed the reception door open and handed back the phone.

"Have a nice night, Edward," the girl behind the counter said.

"Sure," I muttered.

I did not expect this. Was Alice setting me up? Or did Bella really not want to talk to me? My body shook as I imagined her tear-stained face the last time I had spoken to her on the phone.

She didn't say she loved me. It was an irrational thought, but I started to wonder if she had already decided this wouldn't work out.

I thought back to that painful night in the Princeton gardens.

_I'm proud of you for achieving this_, she had said.

_Two more weeks_, I reminded myself.

Bella and I had come so far. We both had hopes and aspirations, dreams and desires, and now I felt like everything around me was being destroyed in some cataclysmic mishap.

I felt sick and decided to skip dinner.

My stomach would have to wait. I needed to get my brain working and thinking properly before I did anything else.

"Edward?" I felt Dr. Snow nearing me and I opened my eyes in an instant, though blinded by the sunlight the next second. "Are you alright?"

I sat up and ran my hand through my hair. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry. What time is it?"

"Eight o'clock, son. Look, I know you're having a hard time right now but I want to remind you that there are only two weeks left. Then you'll be able to leave this place and things can go back to normal."

He left the room as I got changed quickly into my scrubs and walked into the dining room where everyone was currently having breakfast.

Suddenly, the receptionist from yesterday came running towards me and I realized something was wrong.

"Urgent phone call for you, Mr Cullen," she panted out.

I sprinted into the reception and grabbed the phone on the desk, running back into my cabin.

"Hello?" I asked as a wave of nausea rushed through me.

"It's Alice," I heard my sister sob.

I stood up straight. "What's wrong, Alice?"

"It's Bella."

My stomach dropped.

"Don't mess with me, Alice. What…what happened to Bella? Is she hurt?" I asked frantically.

"Bella's in the hospital. We're still waiting on word of the damages, so I can't promise anything about her present condition. I let this go on for too long now. Oh my God, I'm so, so sorry, Edward!" Alice sobbed.

My stomach churned and my head was spinning. Bella was hurt? She was in the hospital, probably in surgery right now?

"When did this happen?" I was going to explode. I _couldn't _stay here, not knowing anything, not able to do anything.

"Before we spoke on the phone yesterday," she whispered.

I clenched my teeth in frustration and felt tears prick in my eyes. I blinked them away furiously.

"And why didn't you tell me?" I breathed in deeply before letting my control slip. "_Why didn't you say _anything _at all?_"

"I was in shock, Edward! I didn't know how to tell you, but I knew I had to because…" Alice wailed.

"Because she has gotten worse," I finished for her.

I could hear Alice crying on the other side of the phone. "What happened?"

"We were out having a drink at night and she started to vomit. I thought it was because she had too much to drink and was drunk but Angela thought that was ridiculous and wanted Bella to go to the hospital. By then, Bella had passed out and we were all getting a little worried."

"What was wrong with her? Did the doctors find out?" I asked desperately, hating the fact that I couldn't go there myself.

"Yes. After the scan, they found out there was a major bleed in her brain and they had to shave off half her hair for surgery because it was urgent."

"Get me a plane ticket," I ordered emotionlessly. "I need one _right now_."

"Come back, Edward. Please!" she begged.

"I WILL!" I roared in aggravation. "Why don't you just fucking tell me what it is she has?"

"It's AVM, Edward," Alice said quietly.

I felt like I was going to fall apart. I knew _exactly _what AVM was and how life-changing the effects can be. But I also knew that one third of the people who suffered the disease wouldn't survive, and one third of them would have significant brain damage, and that the rest were lucky.

I felt annoyed that I hadn't noticed anything, but it really _was _impossible to know. _The birth mark must've been located on her scalp_, I thought.

I was angry with Alice for not telling me the truth. I was angry that I was stuck in this situation on the other side of the world. I was angry that Bella – _Bella_, the most important person in my life, was probably in a very poor state right now. I wasn't there right now to offer her comfort and peace, or at the very least, someone to reassure that everything was going to work out alright.

Someone placed a hand on my shoulder and took the phone off me as my body shook, tears now blurring my sight.

"Hello, this is Dr Snow speaking…"

I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts out.

I imagined Bella…shocked, in excruciating pain…her beautiful face scarred and her hair matted with blood.

"Yes, he'll be able to go immediately," Dr Snow responded to Alice.

Yes, it was really that serious.

* * *

I bounced my leg lightly as the plane finally began to descend after a tiring fourteen hour flight. The old man next to me shot me an irritating look and I stopped my movements, muttering my apologies.

Finishing the check out process, I breathed a sigh of relief and called Alice.

"Edward?"

"Alice, I just landed in Newark. What the hell do I do now?" I hated to rely on Alice on these things but to be very honest, I had no idea where the fuck I was.

"Okay. Just take the next airport shuttle to the Princeton stop. Then…I think I may be able to pick you up from there, but you gotta call me first, got that? I have a tight schedule today."

The way she had said her sentence made me think she was with Bella, or at least, thinking about her.

"Is…is Bella able to _talk_ yet?" I stuttered out, feeling like the biggest douche of a boyfriend.

Alice sighed. "Not really. You know just little mumbles and stuff. She sleep talks."

I smiled despite the weight on my heart. "I know."

"Well then, I'll see you soon," Alice said softly.

"See you."

I could feel eyes on my back as I stuffed my phone in my luggage and headed towards the gate. Feeling a little sick, I turned my head and realized I had been cornered.

"Edward, how _pleasant _it is to see you here," James said, stretching the word and smirking at me.

I felt a cold chill run down my back and shuddered inwardly.

"Nice to see you, too," I replied, trying not to squeak even though I was scared shitless.

James had never forgiven my father for not accepting the invitation to work in Aro's hospital and had tried many times to corner him.

"I think it's time for us to have a little chat, don't you think?" James asked, staring at my frozen state. "I just recently heard that Little Eddie has made his father proud by working for the AMREF. Is that right?"

I clenched my teeth. "I can't. I have to leave right now. There's a shuttle waiting for me."

James laughed coldly and I wanted to run away, only to find out that my feet would not cooperate with me at all. "Aro," he called.

I gasped and turned to find him standing behind me.

"Hello, _Edward_. I believe we have not had the chance to meet but this is the perfect opportunity," Aro looked me up and down and I felt anger coursing through my body.

"Why don't we take this _meeting _of yours to a safer place? There are people staring at us."

"Of course."

A plan formulated in my head quickly, thinking the quickest way to dispose of these two men were to hide in the toilets. I knew there were three exits, which would mean the harder to corner me again.

"May I?" I asked politely, pointing to the washroom.

"We'll wait right here."

I grabbed my luggage with me, and headed in, feeling my heart beat fast and hard in my chest.

Deciding I would use the furthest exit, I headed out, only to find Aro standing there.

"No running away, little boy. We know Daddy dearest must've taught you all these dirty tricks but they aren't going to work on me." Aro smirked at my horrified expression.

"Follow me," he said icily.

I didn't know what to do or what I did to end up in his position. Why me? What had I done now? I had a girl who was waiting for me in pain at the hospital. A girl who meant everything to me, and everything to my family, who recently had brain surgery. What if she didn't remember me? Would that hurt me the most, or her? I wasn't sure.

I felt tears prick my eyes and I refused to let them fall, even when they were burning and blinding me.

We pulled up to Aro's grand house and I felt bile rise up my throat. Alice was going to be worried by now.

"Please sit down," James said kindly, offering me the sofa.

"Aro and I were wondering if this was the best way to do this- talking like old friends, where everyone could be very comfortable," he said softly.

"What do you want?" I snarled, standing my ground. "Don't fuck with me."

Aro gasped theatrically. "Oh Edward! I'm sure _Daddy _would be very disappointed with you for saying such a rude word."

"Don't," I emphasized. "Do not fuck around with me. What the fuck do you want?"

"Edward, calm down. Settle down. I want to connect with you and see just how much you are like my old friend, Carlisle."

I glared at Aro. "He's not your friend. Frankly, he never even fucking mentioned you and that's because he knows that deep inside you are a fraud, not to mention a dick."

James sighed. "Edward, please. We're not going to bite you. Just sit down, and have a cup of tea. Relax."

I clenched my fingers tightly into a ball by my side. "I can't. I'm supposed to be somewhere else right now."

"Why don't you tell us, and we'll help you get there."

"FUCK YOU!" I roared, losing my patience. "_None _of you have any idea what I'm feeling right now so just shut up and let me go! I need to go somewhere important right now!"

"Oh, we know _that_," Aro sneered. "Dr. Snow mentioned that you had to leave two weeks early instead of completing your course."

_Dr Snow told them?_ I thought angrily. What the fuck now?

"Let me out," I insisted.

I ran to the door and found the door locked.

With a horrifying thought, I realized the room was locked inside out.

I was stuck.

I was held prisoner here. There was no way Aro was going to let me go. He was the hunter; I was his prey.

"Not so fast, young Edward," a deeper voice said. _Caius_, I realized.

"Let me out," I begged. "Tell me what you want from me and let me out."

"That's what I was going to tell you before you bolted, Edward," Aro said with James by his side.

"What we want, Edward is for you to persuade your father to work for me. His medical research and talent is _exactly _what I want."

I was already shaking my head before he finished.

"No," I said, breathing hard. "Anything else. I'll give you anything. Anything at all."

"Well, that _is _a disappointment but we would like to discuss alone for a few minutes."

I nodded and wished I had my phone on me. I realized it was in the car, along with my luggage.

Fuck.

I didn't know how so many things in my life could be able to fuck up so quickly.

My thoughts drifted to Bella, the one person who held my heart in her hands, and who would be able to do whatever she wished to it. If she let me go, I would have to let her go. If she wanted me, then I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her, trying my best to make her happy.

I sat on the couch and rested my head on the soft material, the leather sighing underneath me. I was both physically and emotionally drained and before I knew it, I had let the blackness engulf me.

The last thing I had on my mind before I let go was Bella.

* * *

"Edward!"

Somebody shook me roughly by the shoulders and I woke with a start.

"The decision took several hours," James explained. "As you know, we needed all members of the Volturi before the decision is final."

I looked over James' shoulder and saw Marcus looking bored, picking at the scruffs of his sleeves.

Aro smiled coldly.

"We have come to a decision, Edward."

"What is it?" I whispered, not trusting my voice.

_The Volturi can smell fear_.

"We just want the girl. _Isabella_ Swan."

My heart stopped beating.

"Take me, then. Anything but her," I said, because I knew in my heart I would do anything to keep my girl safe. Even if it were to keep me from seeing her ever again.

Aro gloated and walked over to me.

"I'll be _honored _to have you, _Edward_."

**BPOV  
**

Everything was in the dark. I couldn't pinpoint anything. I couldn't locate sound, sight, or even _feel _anything.

Where was I?

I gasped as I saw a glimpse of light.

"Alice?" I croaked. "Where am I?"

Alice shook her head and I saw a tear slip from under her closed eyes.

"It's Edward, honey."

I attempted to sit up but the machines around me kept me still.

"He's gone."

* * *

Thank you to the people over at PTB, especially **Brits23** and** ladyglaukopis **for all their support and help.

A/N Arteriovenous malformation (AVM) is an abnormal connection between veins and arteries, which is usually life threatening. However it isn't in Bella's case as only one in three people have a chance in surviving.

And yes, this part is based on something I have experienced so that is why I decided to write about this.

Thanks to all the readers and reviewers. You have all made my day.

xx


	20. Credence

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. The original content, ideas and intellectual property of this story is owned by Freezegirl8000 (2010).**

**

* * *

**

**Credence**

'**Trust in dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.' - ****Kahlil Gibran**

**BPOV**

_No!_ I thought wildly, despite the ache in my head. The machines surrounding me were beeping at my every move. It scared me. Had I really been in between life and death just a few hours ago? However, what scared me most was the fact that Edward was not here. Something must be wrong. Very wrong.

Reaching to press the where the pain was pulsing inside my head, instead of feeling my long silky waves, I felt my smooth scalp instead. With a horrifying thought, I realized my hair was gone – shaved off.

Within seconds I had forgotten about what I was going to ask Alice. My confusion had erupted into a full scale panic, and I could hear the frantic beeping of the monitoring equipment next to my bed as my heart begin to beat wildly.

"Bella?" Alice asked, her voice uncertain but thick with tears.

A thousand questions were on the tip of my tongue, but somehow my tongue refused to cooperate with me. What was wrong? Why was I having problems speaking?

"A-alice?" I urged her to answer. "W-what happened to my hair? Where's E-edward?"

She lifted her red eyes to mine and sniffed, ignoring the question about my hair. "The Volturi took him. First thing Aro did this morning was to tell Carlisle the supposedly good news. My dad was shocked and terrified for Edward and tried to hunt him down immediately."

My stomach dropped, and I realized that there _was _something wrong. Why else would Alice go straight into Edward's situation instead of mine? "What d-do you m-mean, he's t-terrified for Edward? I thought Aro w-was a doctor, too, b-but just at another hospital."

Alice shook her head even before I finished. "Bella. All Aro wanted was for Carlisle to work at his place, but since the day he turned the offer down, the Volturi had been planning to do something to lure Carlisle into the trap."

I shook my head, still confused. My head _hurt_, but I needed to know what happened. I could tell it was important. "W-what trap? A-and w-what's s-so special about Carlisle?"

Alice raised her eyebrows at me.

"Uh…n-no. I didn't mean it _that _way. He's b-brilliant, but why C-carlisle? W-what does Carlisle have that Aro c-can't ac-acquire?"

"Carlisle's a gifted surgeon. The whole of New York wants him so instead of rejecting every offer, he decided to work in Forks. It's much quieter and less crowded so he knows he'll blend in somehow. Aro knows exactly what to do to get Carlisle to work for him and it seems like he's succeeded already. "

"A-aro w-wants _Edward_?" I whispered, fear gripping me.

Alice laughed coldly. "Of course, Bella. But he also wants _you_."

I gasped. "W-what? Why?"

"Silly Bella," Alice said humorlessly. "He doesn't want you for _you _– he wants your trust fund. He still does."

"B-but he prefers to have Edward anyway," I clarified. "I-I d-didn't know I was related to A-aro."

Alice shook her head. "Aro, strictly speaking, is your blood relative, and he wanted to adopt you, but you're an adult so it doesn't matter anymore. He must've asked Edward about you first, but you know Edward…of course he'll do anything to protect you. He would sacrifice his life for you, Bella. Don't you understand how much you mean to him?"

I nodded. "I-I know I'm something to him. I-I think I make him happy, at least."

"You're his whole world, and that's why he's not here right now."

"I g-got to g-go to h-him," I stuttered out, hoping Alice could understand what I was saying. I couldn't stand this anymore. Knowing that Edward was on the same continent as I was and not being able to hear his voice, or _anything, _was simply unbearable.

"Um, Bella?" Alice asked, troubled.

I looked up and was shocked to find tears pooling in her eyes again.

"W-what, Alice?" I asked impatiently. "I n-need to find Edward. This is all my fault."

"Bella, don't be ridiculous and even if you want to find him, you won't be able to until, like, a couple of months."

"W-why?" I asked slowly. "A-alice, tell m-me what is w-wrong!"

"It's _you, _Bella. You suffered a lot during the past few hours. You weren't even _supposed _to be talking right now. The doctors had to scan your head in order to find out whether or not you had internal bleeding or something. They mentioned that you need to learn how to walk again, and you'll need speech therapy and such to get back to normal."

"And?" I pressed. I couldn't remember a _thing_. Not one thing.

"I know it's not my place to tell you this but you suffer from AVM," she whispered.

"Oh," I replied blankly.

I had no idea what that was.

But there were three things I was sure of.

First, Aro wanted me beyond all things, including Edward.

Secondly, Edward had tried his best to protect me, and now I wouldn't even get a chance to say 'thank you.'

And third, I had to accept that Edward, the person I loved with every single cell in my body, was gone – just like my hair.

My thoughts were cut short as I surrendered myself into the darkness again, too tired to fight.

* * *

I was shrouded in darkness. Where was I? I blinked and looked around to find a plain white room surrounding me. Cold and unwelcoming.

A flash of pain ran through me, and I realized I was at the hospital.

Bit by bit my hearing was starting to work, and I could suddenly hear Alice and Carlisle having a heated discussion outside my room.

"…_Alice, I don't think so. You have to understand these things are complicated."_

"_I know! That's why I'm asking you this. I know nothing about all of this!"_

"_He took my _son!_ That's what matters right now. I know about Bella, but leave this to me. I'll get him out of this situation. It's not his fault things ended up this way."_

I was stunned. Never had I heard Carlisle use that tone with Alice. I started to pick up what had happened yesterday – about the talk with Alice. God, my head _hurt_. My thoughts were fuzzy, and I was beginning to panic.

"Bella?" Alice asked, walking into the room. "Are you hurting? Are you okay?"

I rolled my eyes, hoping to lessen her worries, but even the tiniest movement caused pain. I flinched and remained still.

"J-just…it's j-just r-really s-sore right n-now. My whole face," I replied.

"The doctors are going to come in to check on you in a few minutes. They were astounded that you were already able to talk a little," Alice murmured, her eyes fixated on me.

"O-kay. S-sure. W-what's going on?" I asked. By the look on her face, I was positive she knew I wasn't talking about my illness or whatever it was I had.

Alice hesitated. "I just spoke to Carlisle about a few things. He's going to get Edward out of this situation."

My heart lifted a little.

"I-I h-hope so," I said. I couldn't deal with not knowing where he was; what he was doing right now and whether or not he was thinking about me as I was thinking about him.

We remained silent, lost in our own thoughts.

I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me.

_Why me? _I thought. _Why?_

In the December when I was eight, I went out onto the ice on Calawah River, even though Charlie had told me not to.

"Honey, it's cold, but the ice isn't solid enough anyway, love," he'd said. "It won't be for a week or so."

But I was young and excited because of the snow, and I wanted to slide my skates on it. So I did. I ran, I slid, I glided…further and further I went towards the center of the frozen river. However, it was when I was about twenty feet from the shore that I first heard it; a loud, quivering crack, and I knew that the ice was breaking under me. I refused to call out for help as it would embarrass me. I thought I might as well drown. Deciding to push my luck, I slowly turned and slid one of my skates an inch towards the shore. I stood still and was proud of myself that nothing terrible had happened. I thought my father was wrong for once. No creaks. No nothing. 'I felt more confident, sliding one foot and then another toward the river bank when suddenly the ice gave way, plunging me into the frigid water My legs were ice, and I panicked as I pushed through, shaking with fear, taking my skates off and crawling as fast as I could towards the grass. I had dreaded my father scolding at me and I had begun to cry.

As I recalled the events of that day, I realized that's how I felt at the moment – it seemed as if there was no solid ground under my feet and there was nothing for me to grasp onto as I felt myself slipping away.

It was as if the ice was breaking all around me.

The door creaked open slowly, and I saw a doctor looking at me with concern on his face.

"Isabella Swan?" he asked.

I nodded, unsure if my voice would be working or not.

"I'm Dr Dwyer. I'm going to examine how you are and see if you are okay, and then I'll ask you some questions."

I nodded again.

"It was necessary for us to perform microsurgery due to your internal bleeding. Fortunately the AVM was rather small, only three centimeters," the doctor explained.

"W-w…w –" I gulped.

The doctor shook his head at me, giving me a knowing look. "It will take some time for your speech to improve, and it will be necessary for you to participate in speech therapy for the next several months. It's possible you'll experience some difficulty chewing as well."

I was confused. Problems with _eating food_ and speaking? How…how was I supposed to go back to college? How long would it take for me to recover completely? And what about –

"I'm sorry the news isn't better." Dr. Dwyer appeared apologetic. "I understand from your file that you're related to Aro, and Dr Cullen who I presume has already been in to see you."

I shook my head furiously, to let him know I didn't know Aro personally. I hoped he understood. Charlie had never mentioned him but what I did know was that I had some distant relatives living here somewhere. I just didn't know who.

"I'll ask Carlisle and Alice to come back in and see you, then," he said quickly.

"Bella," Carlisle said, walking into the room, followed by a teary-eyed Alice. "Are you hurting?"

I nodded. "Y-yyes."

"Are you sure? I could prescribe you some medicine which could lessen the pain and aching a bit."

I shook my head.

"Don't worry about Edward," Carlisle said with a knowing look in his eye. "I'm going to get it all under control in a few days. Edward's safe – I think that's all the reassurance you need right now."

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Do…do you want to try to stand up?" Carlisle suddenly looked anxious and nervous. "The doctor said you can try, but if you don't want to, no pressure."

I nodded and sat up on my bed to show I wanted to try.

Alice held onto my arm, and I slowly lifted myself off the bed. Suddenly I had the urge to run out of the horrible, unwelcoming room, but I couldn't because I was still attached to at least six wires.

I panted. This was difficult, and I was confused.

As everything came crashing down around me, my eyes filled with tears.

_I couldn't walk_. I needed help to walk, to eat, to speak.

What worried me most was that I had just recently gotten my diploma, and I was planning to continue on and study law. But how? How was I going to go to college if I had to relearn the most basic things like walking and feeding myself?

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Bella, I know you're worried. I know you're upset, but getting yourself better is the most important thing now. I'll be happy to contact Princeton for you to help make the appropriate arrangements for postponing your studies."

I nodded and mouthed a 'thank you' to him and turned to Alice as she began to speak.

"What do we do now? I'll ask the doctors to organize your therapy so you'll be better very soon."

She kissed my forehead and followed Carlisle out of the room, allowing me to have some alone time.

But I didn't want to be alone.

I wanted to be surrounded by my friends, not these scary machines, beeping and monitoring my every move, every breath, and every heart beat.

I wanted my health back.

I wished that I had a real family – one with a mother and a father, and perhaps a sibling.

I wished that Edward never had the chance to meet Aro, so that he could be here with me. He could explain what exactly was wrong with me, and I wouldn't be this confused.

But the guilt was eating me alive. If he hadn't known I had this, that this happened to me – if only Alice waited until he was back safe, maybe he wouldn't be where he was right now.

He might be safe. With me.

**EPOV **

I stood nervously in Aro's office in the hospital, leaning against the clean white wall, watching Aro sort out some files on his desk.

I saw several people's names flash as he sorted them into order, and then I saw it. Isabella Swan.

"What's she got to do with this?" I snarled at Aro. "She's not your patient. She's never been here."

Aro smiled. "_That_, Edward, is none of your business."

"The hell it isn't," I snapped.

Who the hell did this man think he was? Why did he want Bella? Was she related to him? What the fuck was going on here?

"Get out, Edward. I can see you're going to lose it" he said roughly. "Go to level four and take the clipboard by the side table to check on patients."

"Not until you tell me why you want Isabella Swan," I said defiantly.

Aro walked slowly towards me and took me by the shoulders. "Do what you are told to do. It doesn't have to be that ugly."

I tried to shake him off but he was strong, and he held me still.

"Get off me," I threatened. "Or I'll call the police."

I looked at Aro's hand, horrified that it was around my throat. Removing my hands from the wall, I reached to pull it off, but Aro pushed me against the wall. Hard.

"Aro!"

Aro jumped back as though I had electrocuted him.

"Dad?" I asked incredulously. He was here. My father was here. The only reason he would be here was that Bella was either alive and well, or dead.

I hoped to the heavens that she was alive – that she could pull through whatever she was enduring right now. Pain and agony. Agony and pain.

"Get the fuck away from him!" my father roared. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

Never had I heard my father lose it like that. He never swore. Not even when Emmett set fire to the garage a few years ago.

"What will you do?" Aro asked. "I'm only having Edward here to help me. You see, I have a very busy hospital to run, and you refused to help. What else was I supposed to do?"

"I don't give two shits," Carlisle insisted. "I don't give a flying fuck about your hospital."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing and feeling. I felt anger coursing through my body. For once, I didn't think before doing something.

I ran past my father and grabbed onto Aro's shoulders, roughly pushing him down onto his wooden table.

"Edward!" Carlisle muttered, trying to pull me backwards. "Don't do this, please."

"He needs a taste of own fucking medicine," I muttered between my teeth.

I turned my head over to shrug him off, but the next second I felt pain shoot down my spine as I collided against the floor. The next thing I saw was Carlisle holding Aro back by the throat. I heard Aro spluttering, choking over the shortage of oxygen.

The door slammed open again, and Alec came in holding a penknife in his hand.

I closed my eyes, crawling over and grasped onto the table, using all the strength I had to stand myself up.

"Fuck you, _Cullen_," Alec sneered.

I shook and a unfamiliar chill shot down my spine. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and the vision of Bella in the hospital, broken and scared flashed in my mind as I struggled to stay upright. "Get away from my family," I spoke forcefully.

Alec snarled, and I snuck a glimpse at Carlisle who was still holding Aro, tying his arms together with his tie. I knew it wouldn't work. Carlisle's ties were made of silk – it was smooth and useless when used to bind someone so strong like Aro. Fuck, I was screwed. My life was so screwed up.

We were both cornered.

"Tell me where Isabella is," Alec yelled angrily.

I breathed in deeply; every cell in my body begging me to give in for relief, for the situation to be over, but I knew I couldn't. I would not betray anyone. If the last thing I ever did was to keep Bella safe, I would happily do it.

"I don't know where she is," I muttered quickly, gasping for air. Alec's arm was tight against my throat and it was making me uncomfortable now.

"Liar," he snarled. My answer angered him, and he used his other hand to move the knife an inch from my throat.

I stopped breathing, and my heart was beating faster and harder than ever.

"Edward!" Carlisle yelled in fright. He tried rushing over to me, but Aro got him again before he could reach me.

"Dad," I said as calmly as I could. "I'll be fine."

It was a lie.

I was good at telling lies – to myself, to everyone – to make everything more pleasant and satisfying than it may seem. But I knew I could never lie to Bella. I needed to do whatever I could to get to her. I needed to protect her, to make sure she was safe.

I could see anger and hatred carved in every line in Alec's expression, but I didn't see fear anymore. I only saw Bella. Bella would've known by now that I was in this situation. She would've heard from Alice. I envisioned her face, already pale with stress, and hurt. I _had _to get to her. _No matter what_, I thought.

I said nothing. I just stood against the wall, and I almost wished he would just _jab _the damn knife in my throat. Almost.

Suddenly a searing pain ripped through my throat, and I felt blood trickling down to my chest.

"Alec, please," I begged.

He laughed coldly. "You had your chance. We do not offer second chances. You messed it up. You disobeyed our orders."

I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold on, or how much more I could take, but having the vision of Bella behind my eyes, I knew I could never stop hoping to see her again. Somehow everything would work out. It had to. I would find a way out of this fucked up situation. I didn't know how or when, but I would manage it.

I fucking promised her.

I closed my eyes again and felt something hard slam against my head. Or my head slammed against something hard. I was brought back from the blackness which had been creeping into my mind when I heard a gunshot blast from somewhere near me, and I could only pray it wasn't Carlisle that got shot.

I let out a scream and then I slipped back into unconsciousness.

* * *

Something cold and wet was pressed on my forehead, and I struggled to open my eyes.

I moaned in pain as I tried feebly to sit up.

"Edward?"

Carlisle's face soon came into view, and I breathed a small sigh of relief.

"Where's Aro?" I whispered, searching his face for any visible signs of stress. "Where's Alec?"

"I got Alex in the leg – the shot took a lot out of him. He was out for a while I've reported him. Aro fled then."

I nodded and looked around. I wasn't on the hospital floor anymore, but on a bed.

"Sorry I didn't have enough energy to move you somewhere more comfortable," Carlisle said sheepishly. "The nurses were kind enough to lend me this room. No one knew what happened in here thanks to Aro's soundproof office and the fact that it was on highest floor."

"Thank you." It was the first time I had said this to someone other than Bella. "I'm…I-I don't know what to say."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Edward, you're my son. Please don't ever feel otherwise."

"Thank you," I said again, my voice filled with gratitude.

"I called your mother, and she was appalled when I told her what happened. She took a flight out of Forks to come here. She should be here tomorrow at the latest."

I smiled. "I'm sure she didn't take the news very well."

"She didn't. I was so sure she was going to pass out with worry so I told her to sit down on a chair first," he chuckled.

My stomach was in knots, and I knew I had to ask. "How is…how's Bella?"

Carlisle smile slid off his face in an instant, and I froze.

"Don't…do not tell me she's..." I couldn't finish the sentence. I couldn't say that word.

Carlisle sighed. "She suffered a lot from the attack and was immediately given a CAT scan. The scan showed that she had internal bleeding and surgery was preformed almost immediately."

My stomach dropped. "And then?"

"Well…the surgery was successful and luckily the bleed was only 3 cm. Any larger and she could've suffered from major brain damage."

"So…so Bella, does she have it?" I asked, dreading the answer.

Carlisle frowned, and I almost felt like he was avoiding the answer on purpose. "Have what?"

I took a deep breath before saying it. "Brain damage."

He looked at me uncomfortably, and I prepared for the worst. "Minimal. She is going to start speech therapy, and she has problems with eating. She has lost a bit of her balance as well."

I gritted my teeth and my vision blurred. _What did she do to deserve this?_

"What about her…physical appearance?" I asked. "Is there…did anything _happen _during the attack? Did she fall or something? Hit her head?"

"The surgery was performed immediately, but they had to shave off all her hair. She suffered from minimal bruises and cuts on her face. Luckily Alice was there when it all happened so there wasn't anything serious."

I gulped. God, what was she really going through right now?

"I need to go see her right now," I croaked out.

Carlisle shook his head. "You hurt your back."

"I know. So what? This was probably a hundred times less painful than what Bella went through," I retorted.

"Yeah, true. Just don't let your mother know you were hurt," he winked and smiled.

"Sure, sure," I muttered. "What about my neck then?"

Carlisle grinned. "Tell her you got hurt hunting for food in Africa."

I snorted. "Like that would lessen her worries."

"Don't worry. I guess you can take the train to Princeton, and Alice will meet you at the station."

"Now?" I asked desperately.

"You gotta eat first. I don't want Esme to think you're sick or something."

I rolled my eyes. "Will do."

I got off the hospital bed and went down to the ground floor to call Alice.

"Hey Edward!" Alice's usual chirp was expected.

"Hi. Can you meet me at the train station in…I don't know…half an hour?"

"Sure thing."

"Thanks," I sighed. Everything with Alice seemed so simple. I wished it was the same for me.

"Are you okay, Edward? What happened?" Alice asked. "I got so worried."

"I know. Don't worry. I'll explain later."

Alice seemed untroubled by my promise. "Okay. See ya soon, bro."

I waited for Alice to hang up before heading to grab a burger.

The train station was packed, and I was nervous and anxious to see Bella again. I bounced my leg, ignoring the looks I got from nearby passengers.

My nerves started to kick in.

What was I going to say to Bella?

Was she expecting me?

Did she _want_ to see me?

For the first time, I didn't know what to expect with her.

When I saw Alice standing by the parked car I smiled at her, and she grinned back.

So far, so good.

"She really missed you, Edward," Alice said in a low voice, brushing back my hair. "I didn't tell her you were going to come back, but she's still at the hospital. She was so happy when the doctor said that she would be discharged in a couple of days at most with Carlisle here."

"I'm glad she's happy," I said, with a lump in my throat.

"Yeah, and she just had her first therapy session this afternoon. She's…well, I think she'll recover fairly quickly."

"And her hair?" I pressed. I wasn't sure if she was going to start feeling self-conscious around me. I would hate that so much.

Alice rolled her eyes and sighed. "I know. It's been a bit of a problem. I don't know if she's over it but hopefully…"

"Yeah," I said. "Hopefully."

"Alice?" I asked again, just as she turned into the hospital parking lot. "Her memory's okay right?"

"Yes, it is."

"I'll wait for you here. If she's lucky, she may be discharged today."

I sighed with relief. That was good to know. At least she would remember me.

As I stepped onto the third floor where Bella's room currently was, I felt more anxious and nervous than I ever had in my life.

I stopped in my track as soon as I opened the door.

She was lying down, probably asleep. With a hoodie on, she looked so cute. I wanted to lie down next to her, but I knew I couldn't. At least, not until she said so.

I would do anything she wanted me to right now.

"Bella?" I sat on the chair and kissed her forehead gently, part of me hoping she would be awake. I brushed her cheeks with my fingertips, just like I had almost a year ago.

"E-edward?"

I blinked and saw a pair of brown eyes staring back at me.

Bella blinked slowly as tears began to form in her eyes.

"Hey," I said gently. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

She didn't say anything and worry was starting to grow in my chest.

"Of course you're not okay," I muttered. "But I'm here now, and I'm not going to leave until you tell me to."

A tear slid down her cheek, and she gave me a small smile. "I-I'm so h-happy to s-see you."

* * *

Hey guys. I know it's early so I hope you enjoy this chapter. I should be updating every Friday but it can be a little unpredictable as my betas are from PTB. The next update should be next Friday if not earlier.

Thanks to the people over there especially **AnotherJen** and **Confettirainfall**, which gave me TONS of advice and help.

Thanks to all the readers and reviewers.


	21. What Can't be Broken

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. The original content, ideas and intellectual property of this story is owned by Freezegirl8000 (2010).**

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**What Can't be Broken**

'**All sanity depends on this: that it should be a delight to feel heat strike the skin, a delight to stand upright, knowing the bones are moving easily under the flesh.' - ****Doris Lessing**

**BPOV  
**

Everything was in the dark. It was the deepest, darkest black; endless black. There was nothing to light my way. I couldn't see, hear, or _feel _anything; all emotion had disappeared.

What was wrong with me?

I felt a soft pressure on my forehead. Someone was touching me.

My eyes fluttered open and widened in shock.

I couldn't believe it was _him _I was seeing.

"E-edward?" I asked, unable to stop the tears from forming. My vision blurred and the startling green eyes disappeared. I blinked to dispel the tears. I wanted to reach out for him – to hold him and tell him everything; but I couldn't. I was sick and had to learn everything again. Would he be willing to wait for me to recover?

Edward smiled gently.

"Hey," he said, taking in my awful appearance. This wasn't how our reunion should be like; it wasn't how I pictured it to be. I shouldn't be in this hospital; I should've been at the airport, waiting for him and hurtling myself at him the moment he came through security.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" he asked, his hands hovering around helplessly around me.

I was at a loss for words; I didn't know what to say. A thousand questions bubbled up to the tip of my tongue but I just stared at him like a dumb idiot. _God, I missed him so much._

I heard him mutter something, but I couldn't place it so I just gave him a small smile and told him what my heart wanted to, "I-I'm so h-happy to s-see you."

He gave me a small smile and I felt my heart stutter a little. "I'm so glad to see you again, too."

I stared at him and he stared back. I'd only spoken to him on the phone once during the unbearable ten months and I was so afraid that he had come back changed.

"S-so," I gulped; disappointed that he hadn't said anything else. "H-how are y-you?"

Edward sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. I was so glad at least _that _hadn't changed.

"I've been so miserable, Bella. Those people I treated were so sick and I didn't know what to do half the time I was there. Ben was only there for a short time and I was on my own for the rest.

"I learnt how to speak a little of Swahili but it wasn't really necessary – I was pleasantly surprised that most of them knew at least a little English; it made helping and treating them a lot easier. I've met so many wonderful people over there and built so many friendships. The two families I was familiar with treating are like a family to me; it was just so hard to say good bye. The food was some crappy shit though. Every night it was the same thing, just mash potato and gravy, with some celery and carrots."

He took a deep breath after his long ramble, but I was honestly interested. I was happy that he had enjoyed himself over there and that nothing bad had happened to him. With the exception of his encounter with _Aro_.

"Th..that's great," I said, smiling weakly.

Edward looked down at his hands, and the tension in the room became so awkward I almost wanted to burst out laughing.

"So…what about you?" Edward asked cautiously.

I shrugged. "I-I've been g-good."

He nodded. "That's good."

I sat up, noticing that he hadn't bothered to make eye contact with me.

"W-what's w-wrong?" I asked. My heart felt heavy and I felt like I was going to be sick.

Edward looked back up and I gasped; there were tears in his eyes.

"I missed you so much, Bella. I don't know what to do now, I feel like I've fucked up the best thing that in my life."

"I-I…" I swallowed, but my tongue was playing with me again. My brain felt like crap. I'd never felt this restricted before. I had so much to tell him, so much to explain, but my speech was limiting and I wanted to cry.

"Bella," Edward whispered, leaning over to me to wipe my tears. "It's okay. I'm here. Everything will be fine now. You don't have to worry about anything."

"W-w…" I attempted again, "will y-you w-wait for m-me to get b-better?"

The look on Edward's face was one of pure hurt and pain. "Of course I will. I'll wait forever if that's what it takes. I'm here now and I'm going to help you with whatever you need. I won't leave you again," he vowed, his voice sincere.

"W-what about c-college?" I asked, confused. Surely he still had one more year to go, right?

He shook his head. "Bella," he said firmly. "You're what's more important. Now that I'm back with you, I'm never going to let you go again."

Before I could respond, he leaned over and pressed his lips softly onto mine.

"I love you, Bella," he breathed. "I love you so much."

I was crying openly now and tears were streaming down my cheeks. "I-I love you t-too, Edward. I-I always have."

"I…uh…kind of have something for you," he said awkwardly. "I was hoping that you'd be able to come home with me. I'm sure everyone has missed you and Esme's just _dying _to know how you are."

I looked at him with confusion. "B-but the d-doctors..."

"Carlisle spoke with them, and as long as you keep going to therapy, you can leave whenever. Look," he nodded at the machines that once were attached to me, "the doctors have disconnected it since you seemed fine when you woke up."

Edward held out his hand and gently grasped mine. I grasped onto his tightly and stood up.

"W-wow," I said. This was going to be difficult; and humiliating.

"Bella, don't worry. I'm here and I'll do anything to help you. Just hold onto me tightly and you'll be fine," he said, "I won't ever let you fall."

We made our way to the car park, and I was surprised to see Alice's car waiting.

Edward helped me into the car, his hand outstretched in case I stumbled and fell.

"Hey, Bella," Alice greeted me. "How are you feeling today?"

"I-I'm okay. J-just a little t-tired," I said, unable to stop the stuttering.

"Don't worry, Bella. Once we get home, you can have a shower, and then you can rest," Edward said gently, caressing my face gently. "Everything will be fine."

"Bella; do you want to go somewhere to celebrate Edward coming back?" Alice asked. "Like a restaurant or something?"

Edward glared at her. "Alice."

She looked back at him innocently. "What? This is important!"

"She's sick, Alice. I don't think…" he trailed off, looking down at me.

I shook my head. "S-sure, Alice. But w-where?"

Alice winked at me. "It's a surprise."

Edward and I groaned at the same time.

I hated surprises.

He held out his hand as we got out of the car. We were at Alice's apartment, and I knew she would never live _anywhere _near the ground floor. _"The scenery and view are important! They inspire me!" _she had once said.

"What level?" I heard Edward sigh. "Why do you want to rent a place so inconvenient?"

Alice looked at me apologetically and shrugged. "I don't know. There's a lift somewhere."

"T-thanks," I said gratefully. At least I didn't need to climb the hazardous stairs.

Alice's floor was _huge_. There were three bedrooms and a kitchen, and two bathrooms; it was like a house.

"Do you want a tour?" Alice asked excitedly.

"I don't think so, Alice. She's obviously tired. I'm going to get Bella into the bathroom for a shower, okay? And then she's going to go to bed," Edward said, but looking at Alice's crestfallen face, he added, "If she's up to it, tomorrow's yours. We've got time."

Edward got the bath started and helped me undress.

"Are you okay, Bella?" he asked, concerned. "Are you hurting anywhere?"

I shook my head. "N-no."

I suddenly felt self-conscious being naked in front of him, especially with my hair all gone.

"Oh, Bella," he sighed, pulling me against him tightly. "I missed you so, so much."

"M-me too."

Edward let me go and stuffed his hands into his pockets, looking awkward. "I'll…I'll stay here if you want. Just tell me if you need anything."

I nodded.

The bath was warm but I was already clean, have being showered by the nurse earlier on, so I just played with the bubbles until the water got cold. There was something off with Edward – I could feel that. I could feel there was something brewing under his mask, and I wasn't sure if it was a good feeling. I didn't know if he _really _did feel the same way anymore. After all, it had been a long ten months, and in my case – an excruciating ten months.

Edward helped me out of the bath. He wrapped a towel around my trembling body and we walked into the spare room in silence.

After I got changed, I opened the door to let Edward in again. My heart was pounding fast and my stomach was feeling uneasy, but I felt braver than I ever did in my life.

"D-do you," I gulped. "D-do you th-think I-I'm ugly now?"

He turned towards me and stared into my eyes. "I see nothing but perfection when I look at you. I've never seen anything more beautiful than you."

"S-so do y-you?" I asked, praying that he knew what I meant.

He furrowed his eyebrows and stared at me, confused. "What?"

"L-love me."

He looked at me, appalled. "Bella, how can you ever think otherwise? Of course I love you. I love you so much."

"R-really?" I couldn't believe it. He _loved _me still – even after months of waiting.

He looked at me seriously. "Bella, I love you because of who you are. You have the most beautiful soul and heart in the world. Anyone would be crazy to let you go."

"B-but I'm s-sick. I-I'm not n-normal," I stuttered out. Edward deserved someone who was as amazing as he was, as bright as he was. I didn't want to feel like a charity case.

Suddenly, Edward's lips crushed to mine and I whimpered slightly.

"Don't you ever feel any less, Bella. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. You're smart and beautiful, and you care about me – what more could I ask for?"

He paused and moved towards the centre of the bed, patting the spot next to him. I crawled over and he wrapped his arms around me.

"Bella," he sighed. 'You've never seen yourself clearly. I've only ever been happy when I'm around you. When I left for Uganda, I felt like my heart was ripping into pieces. I didn't want to spend half a year without you, not to mention Christmas. Even when I started to make friends over there, I always felt so alone. It wasn't until I finally reached your bedside that I had finally felt whole. You're my best friend and the love of my life. I could never want anything more.

"When Alice called me about your incident, I almost fell to pieces. I literally had to beg her to organize a plane ticket for me to see you immediately. I didn't want you to be alone, so sick and weak, in the hospital without me. I knew in my heart that when I came back to see you, I could make you whole again. Don't let this disease stop you from what you've been doing.

When I heard about your graduation, I was filled with pride. I _knew _you could do it. You're brilliant in every single way. I…and I have something I want to give you," Edward added, sounding unsure.

I was so stunned that I could not make my mouth move to form even a word.

"I-I love you, Edward."

"I know," he said simply.

He slid off the bed, and I began to open my mouth to ask him where he was going but he just smiled.

"Just a sec, Bella; I want to give you something."

I fiddled with the bed sheets until I felt a tug. I looked up to see Edward smiling crookedly with a thick parcel-like package in his hands.

I reached out hesitantly for it and untied the strings.

"They're…they're just letters I've written to you about my time while working in Africa. Some are…well, I guess I'll let you see yourself," he said sheepishly.

I realized that there was no way I could make it through all of them tonight. There must be a thousand letters – it was almost insane how many letters there were. I picked up gingerly and saw his elegant scrawl. I took a deep breath and flipped it open gently. I let out my breath and began to read.

_Dearest Bella_

_This will be my last letter to you before I finally see you again. You must know how excited I am for that. I have missed you tremendously. I miss your beautiful smile. I miss your funny and sarcastic remarks. I miss the electricity which appears when we're close. I miss everything about you. _

_These ten months has been pure torture – to not be able to hold you, kiss you, touch you, and to tell you I love you. I love you so much with every single cell in my body. _

_Even though I have never regretted my decision to visit Uganda, I knew from the start that I have made some significant sacrifices. I could never forget the hurt and disappointment in your eyes when I told you I had to leave you when we had only begun our relationship. It was like a rocky and steep road – just one mistake and it could've been the end of us. _

_I was appalled when I heard about your illness. I knew that if I were on the same continent as you were, I would've been by your side in an instant. _

_But I promise you this, Bella – I will never leave your side again. _

_I will prove to you that everything between us was magical, and it will continue to be. _

_Your parents would be so proud of you and your achievements, as am I._

_I love you. Always and forever. _

_Edward Cullen _

_March 10_

I traced my fingers over his words. The tears which had formed in my eyes had spilled over as I finished the note. He had written that note on the plane – just before he unknowingly got into Aro's snare. It was also that night I made myself realize that I may never see him again.

I felt Edward's fingers gently wiping my tears away as I continued to sift through the bag, reading note after note, letter after letter. Some were simply about hoping that I would still want to be with him after all he had put me through, but it was the ones in which he had poured out all the inner turmoil he was feeling and all his frustration and emotions, that made me realize how it really was like for him. They were all so heartbreaking and sad; each was filled with hope and despair.

There was one day that had been unsettling both him and me. It was the day he was told that he had to stay an extra four months. That day, he had written ten notes and one letter; each piece was filled with more anguish and hope than I could ever imagine. The pain that coursed through me as I read the letter was unnerving. I could tell what he was feeling; hope, longing, hopelessness, and desperation. I felt guiltier than ever for letting those words out of my mouth – the words I had uttered despite the screams from my body to stop. _"I have to," _I had told him.

I looked over to find Edward with his head in his hands over by the side. He was no longer touching me, looking over my shoulder, seeing my reaction to the words he had so desperately written.

Suddenly, the doubts I ever had about his sincerity in anything he had ever said to me completely vanished.

I crawled over to him as quickly as I could and forced his eyes to look into mine.

"You're a-amazing," I said, with tears streaming down my cheeks again.

He clutched himself to me tightly, and I wrapped my arms around him and held him close, my tears staining his clean t-shirt.

"I could've lost you," he croaked out, gripping me so tight it was almost hard to breathe. "I almost lost you twice. I don't want to lose you, ever."

I wanted to tell him that he would never lose me. It was impossible. I always knew that no matter what we would ever have to go through, I would always come back for him, and likewise. He was the only light in my dark and dim life.

And I knew that I couldn't live the rest of my life without him somewhere in my world.

"I love you," I said.

He stopped his movements, shocked. It was the first time I had uttered a line without stuttering.

"I love you, too," he whispered as he lowered himself down on me and his hands caressed my face gently. He brushed away my tears and gazed into my eyes; the green meeting the brown.

This was how it was meant to be. We were meant to be together.

I slid his pants down slowly as his hand made its way up my shirt. He undid my shorts and tugged them down.

"Are you sure, Bella?" he asked, looking down at me. "_God_, I want to but…"

"I'm r-ready," I whispered.

He linked his fingers with mine and leaned down to kiss me gently. I could feel his entire length pressed against me and we both let out simultaneous soft moans of pleasure. His hands cradled my face gently. "You're so beautiful, baby," he said softly as he began to press into me. Once he was fully in, he remained absolutely still until the pain subsided; it had been too long.

"K-kiss me," I whispered faintly as I ran my hands across his chest.

Edward slowly brushed his trembling lips against mine as I pulled him down closer to kiss him passionately. He began to move inside me and the pain and burning had now subsided. I remembered all this. I remembered how it felt when Edward was moving inside me. The room was filled with our soft moans.

I traced my fingers through his hair, and down to his neck. I could feel the tension building inside me and I whimpered. He trailed his hands across my ribs to the side of my breast and down to my hips. His hand moved to the calf of my leg and hitched it over his hip. His thrusts began to intensify and our heavy breathing filled the room.

"E-edward," I said breathlessly. "I'm so c-close. I want to f-f-feel you come inside me."

"Bella," Edward moaned.

I felt his pulse inside of me and heat immediately flushed through my entire body.

"Bella!" he panted. He groaned into my neck as my muscles tightened around him.

I felt our bodies trembling together and I realized there was nothing more I wanted right now.

He rolled off me slowly and kept me firmly by his side, caressing my face as we stared at each other. He kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose, and finally my lips.

He pulled the white blanket over our bodies and I sighed with happiness.

"This is how I imagined our future," he said. "I want to wake up every morning to find you next to me, and fall asleep every night with you by my side."

I was always one who didn't want to think about the future but the way Edward said it, it made me feel that it could be reality – that hopefully, it _would _be reality.

"I-I know," I whispered softly. "I w-want it t-t-too."

**EPOV**

I was happier than ever, lying in bed with Bella in my arms.

In the past year, we had emotionally endured more than what all our friends had experienced. It brought us closer than ever. With each fight, tear, and obstacle we experience, we grew stronger and would continue to be. It made me feel certain that whatever life threw at us, we would be able to survive it all.

It was our love which couldn't be broken. It was the bond between us.

And I wanted it to stay like this forever.

* * *

A massive thank you to the guys over at PTB especially to **Aleisha** and **itsange.**

Thank you to all the readers and reviewers who have stuck by me for so long.

There is only one more chapter left, and then an epilogue.

I may do some outtakes if anyone requests one.

Please review and tell me if you do.


	22. One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. The original content, ideas and intellectual property of this story is owned by Freezegirl8000 (2010).**

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**One Step Back, Two Steps Forward**

'**The wheels weren't greased. We took a ****step**** back today. Hopefully, we'll come back and take ****two****steps****forward****.' – Roosevelt Newell**

**BPOV**

I woke up with the sun streaming through the room. I blinked and looked to find Edward's arm wrapped tight around me. His loving gesture made me sigh with happiness.

I wanted this. I wanted to wake up every morning to find Edward's arm wrapped around me and to fall asleep with him lying next to me each night.

And I wanted it badly.

"Good morning," Edward said, smiling crookedly. "How are you feeling today?"

"G-great," I replied, kissing him on the lips. Morning breath didn't bother me anymore.

"I think Alice wants us to celebrate my late return," he said, "but she mentioned yesterday in passing that you had therapy scheduled for this morning."

I groaned.

"Bella," Edward sighed. "Everything will be fine. You'll be back to normal before you know it."

"I-I h-h-hope so," I whispered, looking down at our intertwined fingers.

He squeezed my hands reassuringly. "Don't worry about a thing."

We got dressed together before Alice could burst into the room and embarrass us. I felt bad for not spending much time with her yesterday, but I hoped she would understand.

"Bella?" Alice asked as I stumbled into the kitchen.

"Y-yeah?"

Alice sighed. "Would you like to go out for dinner tonight? Esme and Carlisle are coming, too."

"S-sure."

"He rang Princeton to notify them of your accident. They're going to put you on hold for two months, and then when you're ready, you'll be able to return. It's really lucky that you were a top student there otherwise I bet they'd have had second thoughts."

I smiled at her. "I-I know, right? Y-you didn't e-even f-f-finish your exams th-third t-t-time round."

"Yeah, 'cuz Alice complains about every fucking thing in the world not fashion-related," Edward said, walking into where Alice and I were having breakfast.

"Sh-she complains about cl-clothes, t-too," I argued. "My cl-clothes."

"I know," Alice suddenly said, her eyes brightening. "So are we finally going shopping?"

"Uh, no," Edward answered for me.

I gave him a big smile. He knew me so well.

"But I rescheduled your session for you!" Alice groaned. "I never seem to get my way when the two of you are together'."

"Where is he?" Edward asked.

"Running errands somewhere. He'll be back later."

I heard Edward sigh beside me. "In that case, I'm going to take Bella out for a while."

I looked at him questioningly, but he shook his head. "It's going to be special. I just need Alice to give me the directions to get there."

We walked down the road, his arm around my waist, holding me tight by his side. The weather wasn't that cold anymore, and I welcomed the sun's heat. I pulled the hoodie over my head as I was still not used to having almost no hair. It made me feel self-conscious.

"Hey, none of that," Edward said softly, taking the hood off again. "You're beautiful."

"Y-you're still n-not t-t-telling me where we're g-g-going?" I asked, rolling my eyes at his remark.

He smirked. "Nope. This is going to be a surprise. I know _just _the place to take you."

We reached a little white building, and I stared at Edward. "L-lahiere's? R-r-really?"

"I…I thought that since we haven't been on a date ages, maybe this place would be nice."

"S-since when did you start liking French food?" Edward hardly ever ate at fancy restaurants. He was always one for food like burgers and fries. He never ate somewhere so _sophisticated_.

Edward's grin grew larger. "Since now."

I was right. His mood was definitely a little off right now. I decided that I would ask him about it later.

Edward walked to the door of the restaurant and held it open for me. I walked past him with a resigned sigh. Thank God it wasn't as crowded as I had expected it to be. The host was female and as she walked towards us her heels clicked away on the tiles like a goat's hoof. We were seated at a table far from the public's eye, and I started to relax.

We ordered, and I smiled at Edward. When the waitress came back with our food, fresh drinks, and some napkins, I was pleased that Edward paid no attention to her, his eyes not moving away from my eyes when he thanked her.

"Listen, Bella," he began, once we were seated in a table far from the public's eye. He rubbed his face with both hands and ran his fingers through his hair. "I…I don't know how to say this, but from what I have heard from Carlisle and Alice, these past months haven't been easy on you and…fuck."

"Keep g-going," I whispered, waiting for what he had to say – what was _so _hard for him to say. I put my fork down on the table as my stomach knotted up.

Edward sighed. "I had plans for what I was going to do to make things up to you for everything that's happened over these past ten months. I've been planning since the moment I got on the plane to go overseas, but none of them are possible right now. I hope you know that I'm going to stay here with you while you recover. I don't care how long it takes. I'm not going to pressure you to recover faster. Just take small steps, one by one and you'll get there. I don't want you to feel like you have to be _better_ or anything for me."

"And…" It seemed like he wanted to say a lot more.

"I…I talked to my dad about this and he…well, I," he gulped.

"Y-yes?" I asked.

"Would you like to take a trip with me?" he asked uncertainly.

I froze. This was so unexpected I didn't know what to say. Why was he so nervous about asking me this?

"After you've fully recovered?" His eyes were practically begging me. "I know you have school and probably want to study and graduate soon, but I want to take you somewhere with my family this summer. To Paris," he clarified.

"E-everyone's going?" I asked, still shocked by his request. To Paris? I racked my brain, trying to calculate how much money I still had. I was certain I didn't have _that _much. "Alice, t-too?"

"Everyone," he confirmed, his eyes widening in anticipation of my answer.

I looked down miserably and felt tears burning in my eyes. "I-I don't have enough s-savings. Princeton c-costs a l-lot."

I felt Edward lift my chin up with a finger, and he looked at me, a pained expression on his face. "Bella, please. Don't worry about anything. I'll take care of everything. All you need to do is say yes."

My lips trembled, and I clenched my jaw, trying not to cry. Edward was so giving – I didn't ever want him to wake up and find that I couldn't give him anything, that he already _had _everything I could possibly offer him. "O-okay," I said.

Edward smiled hugely and leaned over to kiss me on the lips. "Thank you so much, Bella. I promise you'll love it there."

Lunch was much more enjoyable after that. The atmosphere was so light; Edward was laughing, and it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

He got us ice-cream from a vendor, and we ate them on a bench. I grinned so big I thought my face would split when he kissed me. His mouth was warm, sweet and unexpected.

"How was lunch?" Alice asked, when we finally reached her floor.

"Brilliant," Edward said, grinning at her.

The rest of the day was made up of the routine hospital check-up and therapy session, and it ticked by slowly.

When I got home Edward was there waiting for me, smiling crookedly, his arms outstretched, and I stumbled into them, sighing happily.

Dinner with Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Alice, and Edward was anything but simple. Esme had made a reservation for everyone at a fancy Italian restaurant. Upon our arrival, she ran to us, pulling both Edward and I into a tight embrace Carlisle welcomed me warmly and it felt like home – like I belonged with Edward and his wonderfully loving family.

Everything was perfect, and the rest of the week flew by. I felt like I was practically floating instead of walking. I had made great progress with my speech therapy, and my tongue was not getting in the way of what I wanted to say most of the time now.

Rose and Emmett had flown in and stayed in Alice's spare room at her apartment. Rose was doing well, holding her own in the fashion industry as a fashion editor, and Emmett was a lawyer. He proposed to Rose the night we all went to dinner together. Esme and Carlisle had tears in their eyes, and everyone congratulated them. I couldn't be happier – they had come so far.

I bit my lip as I realized it was never going to be that easy for me and Edward. His career was going great and mine was…well, I still had at least one more year at college until I could get my degree in law.

"You okay, baby?" Edward asked, wrapping his arms around my waist, his chin resting on my shoulder.

"Y-yeah. I'm f-fine," I replied, a little nervous and self conscious. "I-I'm just so h-happy for them, you kn-know?"

"Me, too."

"Do y-you know where they are planning to g-get married?" I asked curiously.

Edward shrugged. "I have no idea. Probably somewhere fancy…or maybe when we go to Paris. I wouldn't expect anything less from them."

"I bet they'll i-invite a l-lot of people," I said, smiling at the thought.

"Probably," Edward answered vaguely.

"W-what's wrong?" I asked, turning my head around only to find him frowning.

"Nothing," he replied shortly.

I stayed silent.

Edward ran his hand through his hair and sighed, sitting down on the sofa. "Sorry, Bella. I guess there's just too much going on right now."

I nodded, wishing I could understand what he meant by that.

"Alice h-had a h-h-huge wedding," I suddenly blurted out.

Edward chuckled. "I bet she did. She was really upset I wasn't there because there was apparently one person missing out of the four hundred and seventy-five. That number is tiny, right?"

I laughed at his sarcasm and sat next to him.

"I-I don't think I-I'll want a b-big wedding," I said shyly.

He looked at me for a moment. "What makes you say that?"

I shrugged and ducked my head, embarrassed. "I d-don't know."

"Well, what kind of wedding do you see yourself having?" he asked me, playing with my hair.

I looked at him. "A s-small and quiet o-o-one."

Edward was suddenly observing me curiously and it made me feel a little uncomfortable. "Somewhere fancy, or somewhere normal?"

I shrugged again. "I-I don't care."

"Have you thought about this before?" Edward asked me, kissing the tip of my nose.

I shook my head. "N-no. Only j-just now. It just p-p-popped into my h-head when you a-asked."

I was suddenly hit with an insecure feeling. I had been thinking of my future a lot lately, but I hadn't ever been anywhere outside the States. I'd never even left Forks which was one reason why I'd wanted to attend Princeton. I needed a fresh start – I had to leave the heartbreak behind me.

Edward looked thoughtful for a moment and then asked, "I thought it was every girl's dream to have a big wedding in a church and a reception at a sophisticated and fancy hotel."

I shook my head. "I-I guess I-I'm not normal, then."

He chuckled and pulled me tight against him, my cheek pressed against his chest. "Silly girl. _You're_ the only normal female here right now."

Edward studied my face for a while, and I stared into his green eyes which were filled with emotion. "You're parents would be so proud of you. I can imagine the day – you in your beautiful white lacy gown and whoever it will be waiting for you, standing at the altar."

His words painted a beautiful picture which caused me to feel a little uneasy. He didn't say he was going to be the one standing there, waiting for me. _Whoever it will be_. But I only wanted him.

I didn't realize I was crying until he brushed a finger gently across my cheek.

"I-I wish Charlie could be here when I get married – and my mother, too. I miss them so much," I sobbed.

"Hey, don't cry," Edward pleaded softly. His hands, soft and warm, cupped my face. His thumbs brushed away my tears which was pointless because those tears were immediately replaced with new ones. "I'm sorry if I offended you or anything, or made you sad. I didn't mean to."

I shook my head. "I-I'm n-not crying b-b-because of that," I tried to explain. "I-I-It's j-just e-e-everything. I-I want to b-b-be normal and have a n-n-normal life. I-I-I wish I wasn't sick and that I-I could h-h-handle everything. Everything i-is j-j-just…why d-does everything have to s-s-suck for me?"

Edward pulled me against his chest as we lay down on the couch together. I sobbed into his chest as he cradled me.

"I'm only ever waiting for you, Bella," he whispered. "I love you so much. Whenever you think you can't handle something, or if everything becomes too much for you, just tell me, and I'll help you in any way I can."

I rubbed my eyes. "I'm s-s-sorry for ruining for what should've been a happy time. W-we should go join in th-the celebrations."

He sighed. "Yeah, I know. I think Emmett's going to take us out somewhere tonight."

I nodded and smiled weakly. "Th-that'll great so long as we get ice-cream after that."

Edward grinned at me. "Ice-cream for dessert it is."

It was time for me to take a step forward. I had to be strong and move past all this insecurity. I was ready – I _had _to be. Charlie and Renee were not by my side anymore. I only had Edward now, and I needed him more than ever. I loved him so much. I needed to tell myself that.

Most of all, I wanted my parents to feel proud of me for what I was doing right now. Getting into an Ivy League college was the first step. Having Edward back was the second.

I knew in my heart that my parents would approve of Edward because of the way he made me feel – loved and cared for.

That was enough for me.

My thoughts were interrupted by Edward who cradled me gently against him and leaned down to press his lips to mine. I took my hand to stroke his jaw lovingly, and I noticed he hadn't shaved in a few days. I liked the scruff.

It was Edward who pulled away first. "Do you want to go take a walk – get some fresh air?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes. "L-l-like y-you would b-be able to f-f-find any here. W-we're not in A-Africa anymore."

He chuckled. "I just want to take you to a park, you know."

He held out his hand, his expression hopeful and I took it gratefully.

* * *

Marquand Park was beautiful. I wanted to ask Edward how he found this place, but he looked so peaceful, his eyes closed while he lay on the green grass.

I let my fingers slowly brush across his jaw line, his prominent cheekbones, and his nose, caressing every inch of the planes of his face. His lips parted, and I wanted to lean in, to kiss him but before I could make any movement, Edward's eyes flew open, and he pulled me down towards him.

"How d-d-did you find this p-p-place?" I asked.

Edward smiled down at me. "I saw it on the travel brochure at the train station."

"Did you know this park was originally the property of Princeton University and that there are now over 100 species of trees here? This place is actually really big. There are seventeen acres which includes a baseball field. We could always play a game with Emmett if you want," he added, teasing me about my lousy hand-eye co-ordination.

I burst out laughing at his knowledge of this insignificant place.

"You're amazing, you know," I told him. "I don't think I ever told you that, but you are."

Edward grinned, his white teeth flashing in the sun.

"I love you, you know," he responded softly, touching my face softly. "I don't think I tell you enough."

"You do," I told him truthfully. "Thank you for that."

Edward sighed and sat up. "You know, one day when you're ready, I'm going to show you the world. I'm going to show you just how much you have given me. I'm going to show the whole world how lucky and grateful I am to have you by my side. You're my forever. Never forget that."

* * *

Whoa. One more chapter. Just the epilogue to go.

Thank you to the people over at PTB especially to **ConfettiRainfall** and **LouderThanSirens**. You guys have helped me so much.

Thanks to all the readers and reviews. You guys have made my day... or week.


	23. Epilogue: Everything

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and no copyright infringement is intended. The original content, ideas and intellectual property of this story is owned by Freezegirl8000 (2010).**

**Expect an epic a/n at the end :)  
**

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* * *

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**Epilogue: Everything**

"**Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." - Robert A. Heinlein**

**EPOV**

Bella was recovering quickly. Two months has past. She was ready to return to school next semester and I was happy for her. She was ecstatic when the doctors commented on how quickly she was recovering. Her speech was almost flawless. Her walking was normal, by that I included her usual clumsiness. Bella was perfect and completely mine.

Everything in the family was peaceful. Alice was finding success in the fashion industry in Paris, and Jasper tagged along whenever she was travelling. Em and Rose just recently tied the knot in a small chapel here. It was a quiet event, only our family attended, as well as Angela and Ben.

Next week, we were going to Paris for a little holiday. It was going to be the first time Bella and I traveled together and I wanted everything to be perfect. I knew she had some issues with cost and it pained me to know that she felt that she wouldn't be enough for me. Before I met Bella, I probably would have thought she wouldn't be – I was arrogant and selfish, but not anymore, not after I made myself realize how _giving _she was – how she accepted every bad thing I brought along with me.

She had accepted the fact that I had a repulsive and horrible history with the girls in high school, and that I used to swear like a sailor when I was pissed off at someone. I could never thank her enough for being so trusting, that she still believed I would come back for her after not seeing her for almost a year.

All this, and so much more, made me want to show her _just _how much she meant to me.

I had everything planned out. I wanted to take her out to all the places I had ever been to in France. Bella would love it and I would make sure she did.

I was going to do this to show her all the gratitude she deserved from me.

There was also something nagging in my mind for the past two months.

I knew that losing a parent or a loved one would be difficult, and those people may never adjust to the loss, but I knew that feeling. Bella understood the feeling as well but I was able to cope – not completely, but well enough. It may take years for Bella to adjust, and I knew that the conversation we had a couple of months ago was hurting for her.

She had some serious doubts of whether or not she was doing the right thing, and if her parents would be proud of her. Bella had been working to do the very best all her life to achieve her dreams. She got into an Ivy League school, and was able to pay her tuitions. She was going to graduate soon and was going to spend the rest of her life by my side if she wanted to.

I didn't know Charlie well. I had only met him once, and that was the time I got arrested for speed driving. I knew his last impression of me was a horrible one, and I had been trying to change it. I wanted him to know that I was here to protect her, to love her, and to make sure she was happy. I wanted him to be proud of me – that had been my goal for so long.

When Bella had told me about how she wished that her parents were here to see her on her wedding day, I felt a strange ache in my chest. It was unfamiliar. _New_.

I wondered if my parents were looking at me from above. I wondered if they were proud of me like Carlisle and Esme were. I imagined taking Bella to meet them, how _happy _my mother would be.

It made me realize how much Carlisle and Esme had given me. They loved me as I was their own son. I needed to stop taking everything for granted.

"Edward?" Carlisle asked, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I sighed and turned my back from the balcony. "Dad, I wanted to ask you something."

Carlisle's eyes looking at me with concern. "What is it?"

I suddenly had a mental blank. Was I really going to tell him? What would he say? Was everything going to fast?

I sucked in a deep breath. "I'm asking her. I'm asking her for her hand."

My father's face transformed, _overjoyed_. "That's fantastic, son! I'm so proud of both of you."

I gave him a tight hug, closing my eyes and letting just a few happy tears escape.

"Wait until you tell your mother _that_!" Carlisle said, excited.

I nodded, but a sudden thought struck me and my grin slid off my face.

"What's wrong?" he asked breathlessly.

"Do you…do you think _they _wouldbe proud of me?" I asked with uncertainty. An understanding look dawned on Carlisle face. "And Bella's too?"

"You're parents would be _so _proud, Edward," he said softly. "Bella's father would be amazed at what a significant change you have made – both to your career and your life."

I felt a heavy weight lift from my heart. I hugged him again. "Thank you _so much_, Dad. For everything. Thank you."

"Let's go tell your mom."

Esme burst into tears when I told her what I was planning to do.

"Well, Edward?" she asked breathlessly. "Have you set a date yet?"

I shifted my feet, feeling a little nervous. "I was planning to do it on our trip. I...I want to show her around some of my favorite places."

Esme nodded. "Whatever you want will be great. Just make sure it is special for her. Make sure that it will be a night to remember."

"Yes, Mom," I responded, grinning while hugging her back.

I had the approval of both my parents. It was more than I could ever ask for. Now...only if I could get the approval from my girl...

Bella was still asleep, so I decided to take a morning jog around the park.

The air was still fresh and unpolluted and I breathed it all in deeply through my mouth. I finally came to a spot far away from the traffic noise - it was _our _meadow. I laid down, looking up into the sky, and closed my eyes.

I tried to picture the look of Charlie Swan's face as I asked him for his blessing. I squeezed my eyes tighter, hoping that he could now what I was trying to say to him right now. _Charlie, I love your daughter more than anything. You've raised her to become an incredible girl. She is a strong, loving, wonderful, and smart woman who has made me become a better person. I was so lost before I met her. I drank myself into oblivion every night, and slept with girls whose names I don't even remember. I was awful to my father and mother sometimes, who loved me so much. It was your daughter who taught me to love and I will never forget that. I promise to take good care of her, and make her as happy as possible. I know it may take a while for you to trust me but please know that I have had a change in heart. I am no longer the lost boy in high school. I'm going to be successful, and Bella is, too. We will succeed together. She came into my life, and I began to see the world differently. _

I felt something soft touch my face and I fluttered my eyes open.

"Bella?" I asked, incredulously.

She smiled. "Good morning."

I smiled back. "How - how did you find me?"

"Esme told me," Bella frowned. "What happened this morning? I saw Carlisle and Esme talking when I came into the kitchen, and they stopped immediately when they saw me. They gave me weird looks when I asked for you."

I sighed. Bella was so damn intuitive sometimes.

I rolled my eyes at her. "I'm sure it's nothing."

"If you say so..." she replied hesitantly.

I cupped her face gently and sat up to kiss her on the lips.

She moaned and I felt my cock harden. Fuck.

"Seems like you have quite a problem there, Cullen," she smirked, eying my obvious erection.

I adjusted my pants slightly and glared at her. "Tease."

She bit her lip and I groaned. "Stop doing that or we'll never get out of the woods."

She raised an eyebrow and I looked at her in confusion.

"What? You rather sit here and get eaten by a bear or shot by a hunter?" I asked.

Bella shook her head and I noticed that her hair was now long enough to be swaying slightly with her motion.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you, too."

I grinned. I loved how my heart responded to whenever she uttered the three beautiful words.

"Is Rose taking you somewhere today?" I asked.

Bella groaned and crossed her legs. "Yes, I-I think so. She's going to take me shopping for the trip next week."

"I'm going to tell her you've got enough clothes," I said firmly and Bella giggled. "I think Alice has been nagging her to do that. She's acting like her now."

Bella smiled. "I know. Are we meeting up with Alice and Jazz in Paris?"

I nodded. "Yep. They've got our apartment settled already."

"_Our _apartment?" Bella asked. "I thought we were staying together. All of us."

I shook my head. "No way, I want you all to myself."

Bella laughed suddenly and I realized how it must have sounded.

"Shut up," I said, laughing with her. "You know I don't mean just _that_."

"Sure, sure," Bella said, rolling her eyes.

My stomach grumbled, interrupting our perfect bubble. Bella placed her small warm hand on my stomach and sighed. "Looks like you've got another problem."

"I know, right?"

"Let's get you home. Are pancakes alright for you?" she asked.

"That would be wonderful," I replied, holding out my hand for her.

I thought of Bella as she moved around the kitchen, making our breakfast and was surprised at what I was thinking. I could now see a clear image of us living together in a large, two storey house with a balcony. I could see her cooking for me everyday and sharing lunch while we have our breaks at work. I could see us in our bed, falling asleep together, intertwined.

I could picture us together anywhere. New Jersey, New York, Los Angeles, Paris, London, Massachusetts and even Africa. Just as long as we were together.

* * *

One week flew by faster than I could imagine. Esme was checking to make sure all our luggage was there, before checking in. Bella was the more excited of the two of us about this trip, and I was so glad I told her about it months ago. She had never been overseas, after all.

We slept side by side on the plane, too exhausted to stay awake and talk. Her head was nestled on the crook of my neck and I held on to her arm as I fell into a deep slumber.

Bella and I groaned as we arrived at the hotel Alice had arranged for us. It was large, grand, and unbelievably sophisticated. The weather was warm and I welcomed the heat.

We spent our first day visiting the Champs-Élysées. Alice bought many things for us and I knew it was the first time Bella genuinely loved shopping with her.

At night, I made love to her on the bed. I kissed every inch of her body, worshipping her...memorizing her. When she called out my name at her release, I let go.

I felt complete, blessed to be with her at this very moment.

I kissed her happy tears and told her I love her more than a hundred times that night.

The next day was going to be one of the most significant days of my young life.

As we walked hand in hand along the road leading us towards the Eiffel Tower, I reached into my pocket to feel the box which Carlisle had given me before the flight, which felt heavier than a ton right now. I knew my family was going to meet us at the restaurant on the second floor of the tower.

I looked down at Bella and she sighed happily, leaning into me. I gritted my teeth as we came to a stop just underneath the tower. It was empty for the first time. A miracle.

I watched her take in the beautiful scenery.

"Wow," she breathed, her eyes wide. "It's so beautiful - all the lights and everything."

I gulped and swallowed my fear. "I know."

Bella leaned up to kiss me on the lips. "I love you."

I smiled down at her. "I've dreamt about taking you here. It was a surreal thought back then, and I can't believe it's really happening - that you're here. Everything is amazing right now with you. I promised to show you the world, and this is the first step. I was so lost back then without you, Bella. I realized that all the mistakes I have ever made in my life have helped me grow. _You _have helped me grow...and to love. You're my everything," I sucked in a deep breath before continuing. "I'm going to tell you just how special you are."

I took the box out of my pocket and opened the ring box with my shaky and fumbling fingers.

Bella gasped. "Oh my God." Her hand was trembling as it moved to her mouth, and her eyes glistened with unshed tears. She looked so beautiful.

"We've been through so many obstacles," I said, kneeling down on one knee. "And I'm not willing to let another second go by without telling you how much I love you, and how much you mean to me."

I held the ring out to her, my heart beating hard and fast like never before. "Isabella Swan, I promise to love you forever. Will you marry me?"

She nodded slowly. "Yes, Edward. I will."

I took her hand in mine and placed the ring on her trembling finger. I kissed it gently as the magnitude of what her answer meant washed over me.

_She said 'yes'. _

She kneeled down and looked at me, tears sliding down her face.

"I love you," I whispered, wiping her tears away.

She looked at me with her eyes so full of love and joy I wanted to stay like this forever. She looked down at her ring and her eyes widened.

"This...is this?" she asked uncertainly.

"It's your mother's ring," I said. "I thought...I thought this was for the best."

I caressed her face gently and pressed my lips to hers.

"I love you so much, Edward," she said breathlessly, her voice choked up by the tears. "You've given me so much. I could never ask for more. And...and I know that my father would be so proud of you right now."

I felt so happy I thought my heart would burst open. She said her father would be proud of me. Proudof _me_.

The world disappeared around us as her lips found mine. I focused only on the incredible girl in front of me. I focused on her strawberry scent, the silky texture of her shoulder-length hair, the way she tasted, and the sounds she made.

It was heaven on Earth.

"Let's go tell our family, shall we?" I asked, gently pulling her to her feet.

We held hands as we took the lift up to the second floor, where our family was waiting.

Alice squealed as soon as she saw Bella's ring, the diamond flashing in the lights. Esme and Carlisle were both teary-eyed and I mouthed 'thank you' to both of them.

"I'm so proud of you, Edward," Esme said, coming to hug me tightly.

Carlisle was right behind her. "We're so proud of you both. Bella, welcome to the family."

I saw my girl hugging my mother and father and realized nothing could be more perfect.

I had so much.

My life was not up in the air anymore; I was certain about my future now.

Bella and I had overcome so many obstacles together.

We graduated high school together.

I finished Harvard Medical summa cum laude at 21.

Bella was completing her law degree at Princeton.

We were both going to be Ivy League graduates.

She was going to be successful and so was I.

And the most significant moment of my life; I proposed to Bella, and she said _yes_.

I couldn't ask for more.

* * *

And that was all she wrote...

I started this story a while back (exactly a year ago) and it was originally called **In Memoriam**. However, as the story progressed, and as the betas advised me, I feared the title would not be that significant and affect the story enough. Though many of you may disagree with me, I believed, if this ending was not cliche enough, that to have them getting married and having babies was not exactly right.

I hope you readers would be at least satisfied with this ending.

Don't Ever Forget Me was based on a true story. Yes, I know a friend with AVM and she met a boy from Harvard and they, in my opinion, had a HEA. And yes, he worked for the AMREF for a while.

I owe enormous gratitude and thanks to **Project Team Beta**, and the many betas which took their time to help me and offer me assistance. The epilogue was beta'ed by **Phoenixjedi** and **OTD673** who were absolutely amazing.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, to every reader and reviewer. I appreciate all the reviews. They were all wonderful and I feel really grateful.

I don't exactly have plans to start a new story right now, but maybe one in the next month or so may be possible.

However, if anyone requests an outtake from this story, I will gladly start writing again. I will be accepting requests for one month. On September 16, I will tick 'Complete' for this story.

Until next time...

Rachel/Freezegirl8000 xx


	24. Author's Note

Hi guys. Sorry this isn't an outtake or anything expected but I just want to say that I'm currently writing a new story called Sandcastles. It will be different from Don't Ever Forget Me but I hope you guys will like it all the same.

I just got accepted into an IB school so things are starting to be a little hectic.

The first chapter of Sandcastles should be posted in 2-3 weeks time. The summary will be posted in a few days on my profile.

Thanks for all your patience.

Rachel xx


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